Sanditon revisited

11: What are my sentiments, exactly?

Tom's words were like a wet blanket suddenly covering her from top to toe. The elusive Eliza, the woman who had broken off an engagement and sent Sidney Parker on a downwards spiral until he went off to the West Indies instead. Judging by the way they leaned towards each other talking and her hand on his arm, all that was forgotten. As was apparently Charlotte. Had they agreed to meet here tonight, and she was in fact the reason for the change in him? Perhaps Charlotte was just a way of passing time until Mrs. Campion appeared. Suddenly the walls seemed to close in on her and before Tom set off to join them she told him she wanted to leave. He did not accompany her to find a carriage, but she was only grateful for that, as it meant she did not have to keep appearances up. She was feeling devastated, like lightning had struck her and all she wanted was to hide from the world in her bed.

-o-

Hours later Sidney was pacing back and forth in his room. The Parker family's house at Bedford Place was the closest to a home he had, as he had not bothered to buy something of his own after the return to England. His brothers spent most of their days in Sanditon, so he often had the place to himself anyway. Now he was all too aware of the other guests sleeping under this roof, one in particular. He had not even attempted to go to bed after his return to the house, too agitated by the turn of events this evening.

During that dazzling dance and at the end of it, he had been convinced that there was nowhere in the world he would rather be than by Charlotte Heywood's side. Then he had looked up and seen Mrs. Campion, no longer a figment of his imagination but standing there in the flesh smiling invitingly at him. He had heard a while ago that she was widowed but had brushed it off, thinking it did not change anything between them. It had not occurred to him to seek her out for he had long ago accepted that she was lost to him forever. Her smile now told him something else though.

Without really thinking, he left Charlotte and approached Mrs. Campion, unable to resist as if she were a Siren calling and he a lost sailor. He felt the urge to know what she was like after all this time and needed to find out how she would look at him. Ten years older, wealthier and more influential he was for sure a better match than the young man she once had passed over.

Up close she was as beautiful as ever, older but still young and with the same classic blonde elegance she always had possessed. It was apparent that she was pleased to see him, and he did not know if he was relieved or disturbed by how easy she seemed to be in his company. Her manners implied no embarrassment or regret over the choice she once had made; breaking their engagement, breaking his heart for a wealthier husband. She smiled sweetly at him, possessively put her hand on his arm whilst effortlessly making conversation and without hesitation called him by his Christian name. He almost reluctantly called her by hers in return but found that in his head she remained Mrs. Campion, the woman who had married another. She behaved like it was only yesterday they last met, ignoring the past decade, husband and events in his life she knew nothing off. Yet, she drew him in. She reminisced of a common past when life was easy and Sidney unjaded. She had been the epitome of elusive love in his mind for so long but was now standing before him beaming at him. She was so enchanting that he only could smile in return but inside he remained on his guard, because he was not naïve like he had been back then. Nevertheless, he was so occupied reading her, her thoughts about him, what her intentions were in reconnecting with him, that he forgot about Miss Heywood.

Now, returned to his room, he did not even understand how that was possible given how he had felt during the dance, but there it was. Mrs. Campion's reappearance captivated him to the extent that he for a while forgot about everything else. It was only when Tom joined them, happily greeting her, sharing the news of the regatta and without Sidney's consent invited her to come to Sanditon, that he woke up from the spell and immediately was struck by remorse.