Sanditon revisited

10: It is an affliction

Stunned as she was, she was unable to manage a coherent answer before he gave her a curt nod, turned and left. Trembling she sat down again and did not notice that the book had fallen to the floor. This day real life contained more excitement and unexpected turns than any book could bring her. Never had she expected Sidney Parker to apologise to her like this, and to pay her the compliment that he had underestimated her. She was not sure why he had changed his mind, but she clearly had underestimated him and now had him less figured out than ever.

-o-

Sidney was pleased to learn from Tom that Miss Heywood in the end had changed her mind and would join them to the ball, despite that he had lost his courage in the middle of the speech aimed to make her reconsider. When she flustered had tried to apologise to him, he simply had to stop her and apologise instead because he knew now that he was the one at fault. This made her look at him with searching wonder and he felt totally exposed, so many emotions evoked inside him that he was compelled to leave, not to make a fool of himself. He had cursed between gritted teeth afterwards, that he had wasted his chance to persuade her because he very much wanted her to come. When Tom casually told him she would after all, he instantly felt happy as a fiddle.

Jenkins had been sent to help Miss Heywood prepare and Sidney hoped the maid would make her presentable enough for a high society ball. He did not doubt that she would be beautiful either way, she always was, but she had looked so delicate and vulnerable this afternoon and he wanted her to feel like she fit in in the fashionable company so she could amuse herself.

As soon as he saw her slowly stepping down the stairs all such thoughts vanished, and he took in the sight of her in awe. She looked every bit a lady and the most beautiful one he had ever seen. Her dark hair and brown eyes were enhanced by an exquisite gold-shimmering dress and her natural beauty increased by the fact that she was unaware of it. She could not help but noticing his intense stare and seemed to mistake the admiration for scrutiny, wrongly assuming he found her inadequately attired for the occasion.

"Does it not suit me? Will it not do?" she asked, when she finally stood before him and he had to hold back a laughter because the question was so ridiculous when she looked like this.

He could not laugh at her though when she watched him with those sincere doe eyes. He found it utterly endearing that she did not understand, that if even someone were to look at her all evening long they would be unable to find any fault. She was perfection, she was everything. He felt a wave of affection combined with protectiveness and something else shoot up inside him and if Tom had not been watching them in that moment, he was not sure what he would have done.

"It'll do very well", he answered solemnly, thinking it was the understatement of the year.

When they arrived at Mrs. Maudsley's at Grosvenor Square where the party was hosted, he was incredibly proud to enter by her side. Even hidden behind a mask he found her prettier than anyone else in the room and he was grateful when his brother, Babington and Crowe disappeared in different directions, so he got her to himself for a while.

"Well, Miss Heywood. Are you not glad you came, after all?" He glanced around the magnificently room filled with elegant people.

"I cannot say that I am. I feel dreadful leaving Georgiana. At least I'm glad of the mask. I am certain I don't belong in this company."

Her honesty and wavering confidence touched him. In one way he wished she would feel at home here, but in one way he liked that she did not because neither did he.

"I don't think I do either."

"But this is your natural habitat, is it not?"

He heard the surprise in her voice but had been open with her in return for her honesty and shared something very few knew. He was a gentleman by birth, wealthy enough and had connections in all the right places, thus had an indisputable right to attend these gatherings to the envy of many, but that did not mean that he ever had become accustomed to it. He pretended to enjoy it, but seldom really did. It was all too superficial and made him long for something genuine. Like her.