I'll Ride For You, Homie

e i g h t e e n

November 25, 1999

Smutt

After the fights outside, the rest of Thanksgiving day was really chill. We all sat around the table and ate like civilized people. Well Arique didn't, but that ain't my business.

Mr. Smith was hype about the fights because he said it brought back memories of him and his four brothers. Ericka and Bugg ended up falling asleep and didn't want to wake up to come home.

My son had a good time hanging around all of his kin folk, even though he is the only boy. Ericka was acting a little off, but I really wasn't tripping off of that because them pregnancy hormones are a bitch. Arique continued to try and get me alone to talk, but I really wasn't up for any kind of conversation with him. The nigga never lets me be mad.

I feel like I have the right to be mad. I mean, I'm not going to stop messing around with him until he tells me that he wants to stop. I'm in too deep to stop on my own accord. But I do want him to feel how mad I am. Who's to say he's not faking the funk by acting like he cares? I don't even think I'm really mad though, I think I'm more so irritated because I can't shake these bitch ass feelings.

Anyway, now that dinner is over with it's time to bleed the block. Some jobs don't stop for the holidays, and mine is one of them. Let me stop lying... I'm only about to bleed the block to hop out my chest. I'm past that block bleeding stage of the dope game. That Arique and Corey situation fucked me up more than I care to admit, which is why I'm going to just check in and shit.

So here it is ten at night, and I'm on my way to one of my workers crib. I'm taking my time in getting there so that I can think and clear my head. This shit I got going on with Arique has me feeling... shit I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I invest too much and shouldn't be thinking or feeling a certain way. I know for sure that I don't like these newly developed thoughts and feelings.

Arique makes me feel like our situation is secure sometimes. And other times I feel like I'm his dick and ole boy is his love. I probably would feel less fucked up if he were to tell me like it is. I feel like I would be okay with just kicking it.

Naw.

This is the only time in all my years of fucking that I'm only fucking a single person. I don't know how I'm supposed to think. I usually let a bunch of stuff roll off of my back, so I don't know why I'm letting this shit affect me so much. I really hate this feeling of uncertainty. I feel...insecure? I feel like insecurities is bitch shit.

Great. Nih this man got me feelin' like a bitch.

I get so caught up in my thoughts that I don't even realize I done made it to dudes apartment complex. It's a good little thirty minute drive, and for me to have been on autopilot and not aware of my surroundings is a bad thing. Especially in my line of work. People in this game wait for people to get caught slipping.

I definitely gotta shake this shit.

I run a hand from the top of my head, and then down my face. I exhale a deep breath and get out of the car. I make my way up the two flights of stairs that lead to dudes apartment and knock on his door.

I hear all of the locks unlock before the door is being opened to see my nigga's little brother opening the door. "Long time no see," he says stepping aside to let me in. I walk in with a raised brow. "Fuck happened to yo' face?" He closes and locks the door behind me.

"Fuck you got goin' on, Peanut?" I ask him ignoring his question.

"Ugh, I really hate when you call me that." He rolls his eyes at me.