mental asylum

reasons

i love the ocean.
i stare out blankly, not sure what to look at. it's my tenth time here since i was sent away. the water glimmering all shades of red and purple over the horizon. the calm waves splashing onto the soft sand, sparkling with every one, glittering under the sun. the sand under my feet. the water rushing between my toes, warm. funny how my heart still feels so cold and empty.

I WILL SUCCEED

my hair flies back as the soft breeze brush across my face, the smell of the ocean waters fill my lungs as i exhale. calm. my breathing slow, body shaking. i shout but nothing comes out. my voice resonates in the water, but only i hear. my worries drown, and my voice hoarse. my body feels weak. my knees buckle under the weight of my body. so heavy. the weight of pain contributing half and the pull of depression the other. i don't know when i felt a stream trickle down my face. i laugh. i smile. but the tears don't stop. i choke. i stop laughing. but still i smile. no one is here. only me. coughing wildly, blood spills over the corners of my cracked lips. my eyes droopy and tired, face pale from whatever has been injected into me. the waves continue, the cool breeze rushing by me as the sun arose from the horizon. memories of better times fill my head. i didn't want to remember. i smile and tears flow down once more, the memories a knife, stabbing my heart. more blood spill over, my mouth an overflowing pot, brewing the anger and sickness from within. the memory resides as the tide pulled back. i stand up, mustering what little energy i still had. i walk. my footsteps deep in the sand, i feel the extent of my weight. my knees almost give way, but i don't let them. ankle deep. the waters glisten under the bright orange sun, as my vision blurred. knee deep. i hum a song, my favourite. the notes adding to the oceans beauty. waist deep. heavier and heavier. my head is unbearably so. i hear laughing. dad? no, he couldn't care less about me. i hear screaming. mom? even more impossible, she hates the ocean more than i hate her. shoulder deep. the sounds disappear. the only noise is the ocean, the breeze, and my slow breathing. my heart is thumping, my breaths are shallow but still my breathing is slow. "a little further..." a voice echos in my head— how encouraging. neck deep. i stop resisting, my muscles finally give up. mumbling. strange, i hear voices. dad and mums voices. but they never did and never will love me as i love the ocean. the voices. they shout and scream. splashing. i heard a splash.

THEY'RE COMING

i panic. my breathing quickens. but just a little more. i hurry. over my head. the screams grow louder but to me they subside. my thoughts are the only voices i hear, and they tell me to keep going. i listen. i follow as if under hypnosis or maybe it was simply strong desire to leave this retched world behind. my heart rate slows. my breathing stops. the world goes black as i muster one last smile.

light surrounds me as i open my eyes. wincing at the glaring brightness around me, i sigh, disappointed that i still see. disappointed that i still hear. disappointed that i was still here. around me i see light. around me i hear muffled sounds. mom and dad were faster. guess i'll have to work on my speed. i'm at the hospital. i know it all to well. the smell of sickness and death lingering in the air. death... the one thing i desire but never seem to reach. "they put me in there... they abandoned me... why do they always take me back...?"

i hate the ocean... because it didn't take me...

once again i awake. sitting up straight on the white sheets of my hospital bed, my mind races. "time to end this once and for all..." my senses half awake, i yank out the tubes stuck on me. now that those burdens were gone, i was now mobile. i stand, my mind in a blurry state, all my senses covered my hatred and bottled up fear— almost like the suns golden rays being shut away by ominous rain clouds, threatening thunder and lightning... my eyebrows furrow in a fit of rage as i began to lose my cool. my arm reached for the kitchen knife beside my bed, not knowing where it came from or how it got there. though not in my right mind, my intellect never seemed to fail me as i made my way to the surgery room. i grab a syringe, no, a few syringes, filled to the brim with different types of drugs mixed together. they harness the power to kill as the key ingredient was present— intent. i quicken my pace and run back to my room. i lay back down as if nothing had happened. the covers of my bed concealing the knife and syringes, my fists clenched in ball of rage— a volcano waiting to erupt. i close my eyes and feel for presence. the door opens. i feel it. i smirk. they walk into the room. i lift my eyelids a little to confirm they were my parents. "since you refuse to let me go, refuse to end my suffering caused by YOU, refuse to let me control my life, " i didn't know i was screaming, i didn't know how much rage i had in me, " YOU shall die in my stead..." i whip out the knife from behind me and stabbed my dad in the abdomen, before pulling the knife right out. "i heard you die faster this way" i grin. he toppled over, blood spilling out profusely, pooling below him. my mum makes a run for it, not even looking back at my dad. my dad, realising his wife's love for him, adds a look of disappointment and sadness to the look of overwhelming pain from the open wound. before my mum reaches the door, she faints. three syringes stuck on her, head, waist and leg. i had threw them. the two lay on the floor, inches away from death. i laugh. i pull the knife from my fathers waist. i slowly make a cross on his arm, then an E, followed by N and A. i did the same to my mother. they shall forever remember me... XENA... the child the failed to care for... the child they never seemed to love enough...

"i'm NEVER going back..." i laugh...

my bloodied hands swinging beside my lifeless body. i lay on the floor, silent, but still very much alive. i barely move besides irregular slow blinking as the light started to blind me. even the glaring brightness didn't manage to extract a reaction from me. i lose consciousness... only to wake up with my limbs tied up, and in a familiar place.

i hear voices whispering. they're talking about me i'm sure. "the girl is mad" they say "she killed her loving parents" loving? but they never loved me... i continue to listen. "schizophrenia" they continued in muffled whispers "she self harms but..." i couldn't hear the rest. self harm? no way. i saw them hurt me! i felt them hurt me! i'm so tired... i try to scratch myself but the ropes restrict me. tears gush down, overflowing like a waterfall. just then a doctor walks in. "we meet again" i exclaim, a little too excited. "i escaped once i can do it again and again and again!" i laugh hysterically. the doctor clearly looks a little more than pissed off and a little taken aback. "so" she says, not even looking me in the eyes. "you killed your parents?" i was still tied up. "YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! THEY HURT ME!" she shakes her head. i grit my teeth— i hate being misunderstood, why won't they believe me? "YOU hurt THEM" she finally looks at me. this time straight in the eye. "YOU hurt THEM" she's angry, very angry, but i'm angrier.

i didn't understand. memories flow back. i see my parents., but they aren't hurting me. i see myself cutting my hands. cutting myself. scratching myself. hurting myself... sweat drips as i came to my senses. part of me refuses to believe the reality. it lies. the voices lie. "it wasn't YOUR fault" they say "THEY hurt YOU" i listen unwillingly. my body can't take anymore. "THEY hurt ME" i yell. "THEY hurt ME". THEY HURT ME! the chair i'm tied to screeches against the cold cemented floor, rocking back and fourth in a disorderly explosion of rage. "and you do too ..." the doctor's face twitches, she shifts her focus and stops looking at me. guilt. "you're wrong... wrong wrong wrong..." i mutter time myself as the shaking stops and my head hangs low. my consciousness is lost for a second before i snap back. i see the doctor shaking her head, a little taken aback, a little surprised, but not scared. i feel the ropes tightening. have i been trying to escape? i relax. calmer. i lose consciousness once more but my ears stay sharp. sigh~ the doctor leaves the room. "poor girl" she says, sympathetic. "she thinks her parents are hurting her. but she's doing that to herself. her poor parents tried so hard to help her..." the rest is not important. i don't get how that doctor pretends to care when she doesn't. besides, the dead can never be revived... and the insane never leave...