TWILA DOGHEAD

The man took out the hand grenade, pulled the pin, and said, “Here, eat this.”

Five seconds later, he exploded and there was blood and guts everywhere, and a small shiny object which looked like a dime.

Twila went over and picked it up, spat on it and shined it, when out popped a genie.

“Hi there, what’s new?” exclaimed the genie.

“Nothing much,” said Twila, “Usual stuff. We just blew up an old man and that’s how you got here.”

“Oh,” said the genie, “where am I?”

“San Francisco, of course,” said Twila as she looked into his eyes, immediately falling in love.

The man got mad and said, “I hope you realize that we’re not going to fool around in my apartment now.”

“Who cares,” said Twila as she kicked him in the knee.

The man pulled out his laser and blew her scalp off. “This is to remember me by”, he said as he walked thru the door, slamming it behind him.

Twila looked at the genie as her head bled. “Can’t you do anything?” she pleaded.

“Of course”, said the genie as he said a magic word. Suddenly Twila had a Dolly Parton hair style.

“Oh it’s lovely!” exclaimed Twila as she looked at her reflection in a nearby broken window.

“Shucks, it was nothing,” said the genie with a blush.

So Twila and the genie ran to Golden Gate Park and rolled in the grass in slow motion as romantic music played in the background.

“Oh Twila,” sighed the genie.

“Oh genie,” signed Twila.

Then they went to the Japanese Tea Garden. The genie jumped into a pond and began eating goldfish. “Mmmm,” he said as they slid down his throat.

But suddenly from under a bridge came a huge goldfish, ten feet long. “I’m gonna git you,” it said as it swam towards the genie. The genie was too busy eating the small goldfish to see what was happening, and soon he was laying on the edge of the pond, while the giant goldfish beat him with its tail.

“Oh stop it!” cried Twila as she tried to wrench the genie out from under the goldfish’s tail.

“You’re next, sister,” growled the goldfish in an evil way.

“I’m not your sister,” said Twila indignantly.

“Yes you are,” growled the goldfish, “You may not know it, but I’m your long lost brother Dudley.”

“Oh Dudley!” cried Twila as she put her arms around the huge fish, while tears came to her eyes.

But the huge fish jerked away from her and began beating her along with the genie. “I’ll never forget the time you called me “Slimy Scales” it said as he beat her angrily.

“Not only do I remember calling you Slimey Scales, but I also remember calling you Fish Breath, and I also called you Algae Head, ha ha ha!” chuckled Twila.

He then stopped hitting her. “Oh no, you’re not going to use that psyco-lo-gee.”

“You’re right, I’m going to use electrodes,” said Twila as she pulled several of them from out of her purse and put them all over Dudley. Then she pushed a button, and the air was filled with the small of a fish fry.

“Mmmm” said Twila and the genie together, as they munched away happily at the remains of Dudley.

Twila and the genie lay on the ground while they digested their snack. Suddenly a cow strolled by and said “Come with me.”

Twila and the genie immediately stood up and followed the cow as it walked along. It led them to a Victorian nearby and went to a room on the top floor.

“Sit down,” it said as it left the room.

Twila and the genie sat down and waited. Soon there was a flash of light, and there stood the cow in a purple robe.

“I am Mama Cow, the mother of the universe,” said the cow.

“Yeah, and I’m Papa Pig, the father of the galaxy,” sneered Twila.

“So be it,” said the cow. There was a puff of smoke, and Twila had become a pig.

“Oh help me, genie,” sobbed Twila the Pig.

The cow glared at the genie and said, “If you try anything, you’ll be sorry!”

“Oh yeah?” said the genie as he turned the cow into a pickle. He then turned Twila back into her original self and they went back to Twila’s apartment on Pine Street.

Champagne, toast and popsickle toes. Oh how they danced as the clock struck seven. Then were in disco heaven.  Then the genie said, “Come on, we have things to do.”

“OK,” said Twila, “I’m ready.”

So off they went. It was Halloween, so they decided to go to the fair on Polk Street. After all why not have a look at 106,000 people.

On their way, they saw a man who Twila thought was Santa Claus. “Hey Mr. Claus!” she yelled. When the man turned around, she realized it was really a sex-crazed gorilla.

“Ooh ooh!” he said as he threw Twila onto the ground. But suddenly he saw the light and became a celibate monk. “Bless you,” he murmured as he left for a monastery.

On they went to Polk Street to have the time of their lives. The genie left Twila alone, saying “I’ll just go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back in case anyone wants me.”

As Twila waited, three dogs dressed up as clowns came up to her. They began to run in a circle around her, barking happily. Soon they stopped barking and began to sing:

“Oh honey it’s funny

When you kiss a goat

It’s like battery acid soup

Poured in you by a boat.

Bark Bark Kiss a goat

Growl Growl eat a toad

Bow Wow taste a boat

Yap Yap hit the road.”

Twila found deep meaning in the lyrics, and tears came to her eyes. “Oh that was lovely!” she cried to the three dogs in clown costumes.

“Thank you!” they cried back as they took off in a nearby spaceship.

As Twila watched the spaceship disappear into the sky, the genie came back with roller skates on and an extra pair for Twila in his hands. As soon as she put them on, a huge wind came up and blew both of them into a crowd of evil old ladies. The evil old ladies blindfolded the genie and Twila, took them into a bus, which sped off, never to be seen again.

The end.