incarcerated

16.

as eddy turned around, his staff scrambling to obey him, he thought about brett. what if he hadn't been in eddy's office when the fight started? what if he'd been the one to end up on the floor? the thought of brett being placed up against any of those men made eddy's skin crawl. his hands were shaking as he stuck the key in the lock of his office door, sweat running down the nape of his neck. the events of the day were taking their toll on him.

the door finally unlocked and eddy waltzed into his quiet office, slamming the door shut and immediately regretting it. the loud sound woke brett abruptly and he flinched hard, his heart pounding. he noticed eddy's demeanor and frowned.

"hey..." he yawned. "what's wrong?"

"nothing," eddy muttered, pushing his hair off of his forehead and plopping down in his chair. brett squinted at him and wrapped the thick blanket around his small frame, looking oddly childlike as he sat on the worn couch. the soft humming of the air con and eddy sifting through papers were the only sounds in the office for awhile, each of them having no earthly idea what to say. asking about eddy's mood when he was angry scared brett. the man was awfully intimidating no matter how close they got. he was still the warden, after all.

"sir?" brett said, his voice small and hesitant. eddy didn't look up from what he was doing.

"what?" he asked, his voice possessing the same tone as it would if he were answering a CO who'd knocked on his door. brett recoiled back into his blanket and shook his head.

"nothing, never mind."

"you wouldn't have said anything if it was nothing, now, would you? what is it?" eddy scoffed, still not looking up. brett did not like the way he was being spoken to, but he didn't feel that it was his place to protest. he knew that the warden was just in a bad mood.

"it doesn't matter. i'm sorry," brett mumbled, picking at his nails.

"it does matter," eddy argued. the strokes of his black pen on the incident report sheet had sped up since their short conversation had started, his handwriting becoming messier by the letter.

"i don't think this job is good for you," brett said. the warden froze.

"what?" he said, raising his head. his pen was still, the tip of it hovering over the spot where he would've begun to sign his name for the hundredth time.

"i think it's hurting you. it's a lot of stress and you're young," brett shrugged, squirming uncomfortably on the couch cushions. the taller man continued writing.

"what, are you trying to get rid of me? you want me to quit?" he scoffed. "nice try, brett. i'm fine and i'm not going anywhere."

"what i want is for you to be happy," brett said impatiently, crossing his arms. eddy laughed.

"and i want a million dollars. it just doesn't work that way, brett. i don't get what i want. it's fine. this is a good job and people like me here. the last thing i'm going to do is quit."

brett huffed and pursed his lips, letting the blanket slide off of his shoulders as he stood up. he placed his hands flat on eddy's desk and leaned forward.

"look at me," he demanded, staring at the top of the other boy's head. he watched as it raised and eddy's dark eyes stared endlessly into his, an indescribable emotion lurking behind them. what was that?

"what?" eddy said, his tone the same as the last time that word had passed his pink lips.

"you don't belong here, either," brett said.

the sentence was simple, wasn't it? five words. a subject, a verb, some adverbs. not the most complex thing brett had ever said. it was so simple, but it reached something deep inside of eddy. he knew his job had been hard lately, but he'd never thought about it that way. telling brett he didn't belong there had been nothing but simply stating the facts. all signs pointed to it, eddy was just the messenger. why was it so different when brett said it?

the warden didn't say anything for a long time. did he belong there? he didn't know. all he knew was that he was exhausted.

"i can't quit, brett." that was the sentence that came out of his mouth next, soft and hesitant like he was afraid of his own words. brett nodded.

"yes, you can."

"no," eddy said through clenched teeth, "i can't."

"what happened out there? what's got you so upset?"

"nothing!" eddy shouted. "i said nothing. i don't want to talk about it. it's fucking stupid—this is stupid. i'm not quitting my job, okay!? i can't. i told you that. will you please just listen to me?"

yelling at him hadn't been what eddy wanted to do, but he just asked so many questions and the warden was so exhausted. brett just nodded slowly and backed up from his desk, his hand landing on the doorknob.

"alright," he said. "i'm sorry. i'll see you around, sir."

regret coursed through eddy's entire body as he watched brett walk out the door, too sorry to even utter a word.