four times

The start of my story

All my life I grew up thinking I didn't have a story, I didn't have anything or go through anything inspiring to help people or to make people feel like they can make it through the same thing, I mean I didn't have an inspiring hardship or journey to God, to get saved. I got saved when I was four and I spent my whole life in church so what little story I did have there was nothing really relatable about it so to me there was nothing really inspiring about my story until I turned 19.

When I turned 19 everything I knew fell apart, the world upon which my life at the time was created out of what I thought was the strongest stone but it turns out it was a castle made of sand and I didn't realize it until the tide washed it away. 

My dad left my mom around my 19th birthday and left us with nothing and then at the same time my family turned their back's on us at the time we needed them the most and everything was just slowly and continuously falling apart around us and the struggle was real and on top of all that i was in a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship. 

I got depressed and I lost myself, i lost my relationship with God, I was broken, I was wandering and wondering, I was just lost and I blamed God for it. I blamed God for everything because none of it made any sense, what did we do that was so wrong that this would happen? Why would God let us struggle? would let us hurt like this? But what I didn't realize is the brokenness was a stone foundation upon which i would build my castle. 

(side note/random thought number 1) 

I guess that is just what we do has children of God, just like when we were kids if something went wrong we would beg our parents to fix it and when they wouldn't we blamed them for it instead of seeing what we did wrong and that's how we are as adults if something goes wrong we beg him to fix it and when he doesn't we blame him for it. 

(side note/random thought number 1 over)

As the days, weeks, months, and years went on I remained lost, wandering and broken wanting God to fix it, wanting to be put back together, wanting the bad things and the bad feelings to just go away but I wasn't doing anything to help fix it and when those moments came for them to be fixed, to stop wandering, to heal from the brokenness, to be found I turned them down, I didn't see God holding out his hand just waiting for me to grab it, I guess I started finding comfort in my own self-destruction. 

(side note/random thought number 2)

Isn't funny how in the broken we beg for God to make himself known and when he does we ignore it? Maybe because like i said we find comfort in our own self-destruction. 

(side note/random thought number 2 over)

I didn't see the hole I was digging for myself and yet the deeper I dug the madder I would get not understanding why these things kept happening. Now don't get me wrong there was some very good moments and very good parts of my life, like when my nieces and nephew were born, when I met my husband and his son, when I married my husband and became a step-parent, then moved to Ellijay to start a new life for our selves but for me I still felt like something was missing, I wasn't complete. 

I was still very, very angry at God and i didn't understand why but I slowly started to figure it out when my husband and I started trying for our kid together and that other broken piece started to set in. We tried for two years with no luck and i started getting very bitter, watching all these women walk around with babies and knowing that it wasn't happening for us and not knowing why. Well in November of 2018 our luck changed and we found out on November 16th of 2018 that I was pregnant . 

We were so excited and so ready to tell everyone but we wanted to go to hospital just to get it confirmed and we did but the doctor said he wanted me to come back in a few days to see if my HCG levels would raise to where they were supposed to be, because they were low and at the time it wasn't something we were worried about until we went back a few days later. 

I remember laying on the hospital bed as the ER doctor walked in with the most emotionless look on his face as he said "your HCG levels aren't raising like they are supposed to and you are most likely going to miscarry"  and in that moment the whole world stopped, 

it was like I was no longer in my own body, it was like i was watching this happen to someone else, it wasn't setting in that it was happening to me and I kept thinking to myself Gods's got this, he knows how hard we worked for this, how hard we prayed for this, God's not gonna take our first child, he wouldn't do that and in mean time with those thoughts my world stayed still and then December

                                                  ( side note number 3)

And now by no means am I saying God took my kid, that was just my thought process while I was going through what I went through. 

                                                   ( side note number 3)