Ocean of Silence • Zarry

five.

It's cliché to say that your life can change with a split second but it's the truth. Most life-altering moments aren't drawn out over the course of years or months or weeks or even days. One single event stands behind all of them. That spark of determination. A chance meeting. A simple look to the wrong side. All of them begin with an inconspicuous detonator.
That fateful day last November started like any other. It was a rather gloomy Friday, the morning misty and chilly. They set off the day with their usual routine. All of them were up by 7 AM and started getting ready. The girls were downstairs dressed with their backpacks around 7:30. Zayn made breakfast while Harry packed lunches for the girls and fed Jack. On his way to work, Zayn dropped Erin off at school and Sage at kindergarten. Harry usually worked from home since he had his studio, where he restores antique furniture, in their backyard, unless there was an auction or he had a consultation with a client, so he was always home with the kids until it was time for them to start kindergarten. Zayn isn't sure what he and Jack did that day because Harry never really spoke about it. Only later that day he mentioned going through some new words with Jack but that's all that had been said before their lives changed forever.
    They had a family day planned. Zayn left the office early and went straight home. One of Harry's friends published a children's book and they were heading to the launch party which was basically one big playdate for the kids, with a bit of champagne for the parents. As usual, they were running late. Neither Zayn nor Harry were exactly punctual before they had kids but as the number of children under five in their household kept increasing, everyone just accepted they will never be anywhere on time again.
    Even if they were a bit behind on the schedule, they was no erratic driving as they headed to pick the girls up. The roads weren't wet and slippery, the morning fog had subdued, Harry didn't run a single stop sign or a red light. But there was a young guy driving a car while completely obliterated. Unfortunately, their paths crossed.
      The crash claimed three lives in total. The drunk driver and an innocent pedestrian were the two more casualties besides Jack. It was a moderately busy intersection and some of the police officers on the scene chatted about how it's a miracle "only" three people were seriously injured. The drunk driver was instantly killed but Jack and the pedestrian had been taken to the nearest hospital before they lost their fights a few days after that.
    Zayn remembers it too clearly. He's tried so many times to forget but he can't. One moment, he and Harry were talking about signing Sage up for dance lessons while Jack was babbling to himself in the backseat as he played with his toys. The next thing they knew the car wasn't running anymore, it was so fucking loud everywhere and the air was drenched with this disgusting smell of smoke.
    When he first opened his eyes, Zayn thought it was a nightmare. As he looked around a bit and felt blinding pain in his left shoulder when he tried to move, he knew it was real. Jack was wailing in the backseat but when Zayn looked into the rear-view, nothing seemed wrong with him, except for that fact that he must've been terrified. He was in a sturdy baby car seat, who would think that he was hurt so badly? The guilt haunts Zayn to this day but he was more worried about Harry in the immediate aftermath, who was passed out and had blood all over his face, streaming down to his neck. He tried to shake Harry awake, which he managed to do within a few minutes and only then did they try to get Jack.
    Their car was squeezed between the drunk driver's car and another different one so they couldn't get outside. No matter what they tried, they just couldn't get to him. The seatbelts were stuck, they couldn't wiggle out of them so the best and only thing they were able to do was to talk to Jack and try to console him.
    Looking back at those moments feels like slashing your skin over and over and over again. They had no idea, did they? Jack looked alright. There wasn't any blood, he was moving his arms and legs, he was more than conscious. Only once they were in the hospital did they find out what was truly going on.
    Four excruciating, forlorn days - that's how long they spent hoping that Jack would be fine, that he'd be able to come home with them. But it was all too much for his body to handle. Internal bleeding, concussion, fractures, other things that were invisible to the naked eye. The darkness settled in that day and hasn't left since.
    "Harry," Zayn sighs, watching helplessly as Harry starts sobbing again. "Please, love, it wasn't your fault. In the official investigation, everywhere it says that the drunk guy caused the crash. Not you. No one blames you for it. I don't blame you. Stop blaming yourself, please."
    "It's easy for you to say," Harry sniffs. "You weren't behind the wheel, you didn't bring us to that specific point in time that lead to Jack's death."
    "I could've been," Zayn says. "It doesn't matter who was driving, we couldn't have prevented it. Sure, things would've been different if we had left the house two minutes earlier or later but we can't change it now. No one fucking can. We can only learn to live with it."
    "How?" Harry shouts, wiping his tears furiously. "How am I supposed to live with the fact that my child is dead, that I've ruined my marriage and that I'm able to breathe, walk, eat, live when I should've fucking died that day too!"
    Zayn's taken aback for a moment. He scoffs, shaking his head. "How fucking selfish are you, Harry? Yeah, you could've died that day, I could've too but we didn't. Do you not think about Erin? And Sage? Your two other kids who need you, who love you and would've been completely devastated if they lost you too? Now it's bad enough that they will grow up in a broken family because you've pushed me away. And fine, I'll leave you, for good, I don't fucking care if you hate me. And you know what? This might be news to you but I miss Jack too. Every single fucking day. I grieve him. I feel guilty for being alive while he can't be. But every single day I try to do better, to be better, not for myself but for Erin and Sage. When we were still together I did it for you too because I love you too fucking much for my own good but you didn't care. You filed for divorce because I guess it's easier for you to completely disregard the fifteen years we spent together than to deal with what happened."
    "I'm selfish?" Harry fights back. "You're talking about our fucking marriage instead of the child we lost! How is that more important? Is your cock more important than Jack? Are you mad at me because we stopped sleeping together because I felt too guilty to do it? I can't fucking believe you."
    "You completely missed my point, Harry," Zayn shakes his head. "Your life is not over. You can't wallow in guilt and remorse, and grieve all your life. You also don't have to deal with all this fucking pain alone. I wanted- I wanted to go through this together. To work our way through the grief together. He was my son too, Harry. I love him just as much as you do. I tried so hard to stifle my own grief a little bit and be there for you, for the girls. But you shut me out and never let me in again."
    Harry looks to the side, trying not to start crying again. The tears are stronger than him because Zayn notices thin streams of them glistening on Harry's cheeks in the slight darkness.
    "I wanted to die," Harry divulges after some silence. "I just didn't want to keep on living my life when I knew Jack couldn't keep on living his."
    Zayn doesn't say anything in fears of interrupting Harry and never getting to hear what he wants to say again. This might be the last chance.
    "Logically, my rationality is telling me that it wasn't my fault," Harry continues, now facing Zayn again but their eyes never quite meet. "I know that I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't run a stop sign or a red light. I wasn't speeding. I had my eyes on the road the whole time, I wasn't distracted. So I think... what I've kind of realised in the past few weeks is that my guilt doesn't stem from the accident itself but in the guilt of just surviving it. I mean, a fucking concussion and a few cuts, that's all I got from it. Even you had to get a surgery on your shoulder. But Jack, our baby that we were supposed to keep safe, he was hurt so badly that he couldn't win the fight. No matter what the doctors did he just kept crashing.
    "And I've never told you this but... the day before he passed, I went to see him. They allowed it just that one time because he was up and it seemed like he was doing better. You were still out after the surgery so I had to go alone. And I just- I saw him hooked to all these machines that I have no idea what they do and he just looked so small, like he was a baby again. He wasn't crying, he wasn't fussing around. He just had a pacifier in his mouth and he stared at me with the same intensity as when he saw me for the very first time. I thought I'd start bawling the moment I laid my eyes on him but I couldn't let myself. I was scared it'd upset him. It was all so brief but I just kept telling him how brave he is, that he's gonna be okay, that we love him and that he's gonna be home soon. Not once did he take his eyes off mine. He grabbed my fingers halfway through. Then they said I had to leave so I kissed his forehead and left."
    Zayn doesn't realise that he started crying at some point during the story until he feels tears on his neck. "Why haven't you told me about this before?"
    Harry shakes his head softly. "I don't know. It hurt too much to remember it."
    Nodding, Zayn takes a few steps so he's properly in the room, not only leaning against the doorframe. It's hard standing on the soft carpet again after such a long time. The air is a bit stale but it still sort of smells like Jack.
    "You know," Zayn starts, taking a deep breath before he carries on. "A few days after the funeral, I was with the girls in Erin's room. They roped me into some game, I don't even remember what it was. But as they laughed and teased each other, I felt really fucking grateful to be alive which brought unimaginable guilt to me. But it's true. I'm glad I'm here because I can see Sage and Erin grow up, I can continue being their Dad and they don't have to deal with losing me. So you shouldn't feel guilty about being alive, Harry. I did, for a while, still have some moments when it hits me but ultimately, I'd rather live with this darkness in my heart that will always be there for Jack than to have my two other children grow up without me. I never wanted for us to separate, Erin's reaction from earlier today is a perfect example of why but kids can't sustain a relationship, can they? I'd rather have them for two weeks a month than not at all and have you happier as well."
    Harry lets out a breathy chuckle. "You think I'm happier without you?"
    "You filed for divorce, how else am I supposed to understand this?" Zayn questions.
    Harry sighs and takes a few steps in mostly the same spot. "I don't even fucking know. I guess... I realised that I could never be a good husband to you again and that it wasn't fair to try and keep you in this relationship just for the kids. I started picking stupid fights with you and I don't even know why. I guess I kind of let the grief consume me and I couldn't see past it. I couldn't see that by making you leave, the girls would partly lose a parent. That I'd lose the love of my life. My mind just omitted those connections and all it was focused on was just Jack, Jack, Jack, oh you deserve to die, Jack, don't forget your husband hates you now."
    "What?" Zayn breathes out. "Why would I ever hate you?"
    "I don't know, Zayn!" Harry exclaims exasperatedly. "I hated myself for basically killing our child. Don't start with the 'it wasn't your fault' crap again, I recognise the basic facts, it doesn't ease the guilt. So if I hate myself that much, how could you not hate me? How could you sleep in the same bed with me and be so loving to me when I didn't deserve any of it? I felt like it was all a farce."
    "I could never hate you, Harry," Zayn says sincerely. "Not for this, especially since I knew how much you were hurting. I wanted to fight for you but I didn't want to make this whole situation any more messy than it already is."
    Harry sighs, covering his face with his hands. "I need to see a therapist. Just on my own."
    "You do," Zayn agrees. "I've been seeing one ever since I moved out of the house and it's helped me see things more rationally, more clearly. Every single memory of Jack still tremendously hurts but now I'm beginning to be able to look at some of the happier ones with joy rather than anguish. It has helped me cope with everything much better, understand my feelings and whatnot."
    Harry nods, pulling at his bottom lip again. "I want to be better. I just want to do better for the girls. For you. I don't wanna be a wreck. I want to be able to look at pictures of Jack without having a fucking panic attack. I just want some things to be normal."
    "Me too," Zayn says with a slight encouraging  smile. "C'mon, it's late. You shouldn't stand around here all night."
    "I know," Harry affirms, looking around the room. "I'll tidy this up soon. I don't think I'm ready to get rid of everything but I have to start somewhere. It feels like a mausoleum."
    Zayn waits for Harry at the threshold and they leave at least, shutting the door behind them. It's like they've never even been there.
    They set off down the hallway, walking side by side mumly. As they reach the master bedroom, Zayn feels a light grasp on his right wrist.
    He turns around, questioning Harry with his eyes. Harry's face is open, uncertain. He's lightly biting his bottom lip before letting it go and taking a deep breath.
    "Stay," is all Harry says.
    An unspoken conversation takes place between them. Zayn keeps his eyes locked with Harry's as he deliberately slides their hands together. Their fingers interweave, the meeting of skin making their pulse pick up.
    "Please stay," Harry lets out breathlessly.
    Zayn nods, almost invisibly, as they inch closer and closer together. The thrill of being so near each other after long, long weeks is like electricity. In that moment they could be young and foolishly in love again, caring about fuck all but one another.
    "Just stay with me," Harry whispers, their faces so close they can feel the heat radiating off of the other's skin. "Please don't let me push you away again."
    "I won't," Zayn says. "I promise."
    Their lips meet for perhaps the millionth time. It's familiar yet it could be their first kiss all over again. Months have passed since they last kissed each other and haven't felt crushing, bone-breaking guilt afterwards. Time has passed and some of their wounds have started to healed. Eventually, they will heal completely. The scars will always be there, though. They don't want to forget nor would they be able to do so.
    But they have to let the wounds heal because if they don't, the blood will keep spilling over and over and over again until they've been sucked dry, spent, useless, shells of their former selves. They tried to run from reality which kept opening their wounds, not letting them heal. With time, they have started to embrace it, not run from it. Only then can they reverentially move on.
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An update!! Thank you all for the support on the first four chapters ❤️❤️❤️ How are you liking this so far?? Please do let me know your thoughts and maybe your predictions for future chapters too 😊😊❤️❤️❤️