Ocean of Silence • Zarry

one.

With every oncoming gush of wind, swarms of leaves cascade off the trees lining the streets. It's almost like snow, but better because leaves don't tend to inconvenience your entire existence. Their colours are mesmerizing and if you're lucky and get to step on a bunch of crunchy leaves, it only gets better.
    Richmond looked like any other suburb on Halloween night. Jack-o-lanterns standing guard by the front doors, candles inside of them slowly alerting their appearance as the sky gets darker. Cheesy, sometimes even gaudy decorations peeking out from behind windows. Some kids already trick-or-treating, clumping together in groups with laughter chiming off around them as they compared the contents of their goody bags. And, of course, leaves everywhere.
A stone's throw away from London, just a few miles really, and life seemed still, content, a stark difference to the hustle and bustle of the metropolis nearby. Most of the houses lining the streets - terraced, Georgian, semi-detached - were occupied by families. Some old, living in the same house for decades upon decades, growing and changing with this place. But loads were young, only moving here a couple of years ago to extend their little families, to settle down and put down some roots.
    There was a time when these very streets were Zayn's favourite place in the world. Normally, he'd park his car in the driveway of the detached Georgian house near the end of one of many nearly identical streets just like he does now, check his email on his work phone, reply to anything that couldn't wait till the next day and put the work cell on "Do Not Disturb" before going inside and letting all stress and tension dissipate into thin air.
    That was before.
    Now Zayn still sits in the driver's seat, not looking at his phone though but chewing at his lip, wracking his brain with what to say when the doorbell announces his presence. Should he act like everything's fine? Like nothing's going on at all? Like there isn't a weight on his chest so heavy he finds himself unable to breathe some days? Does he adopt the face of a polite stranger? Is it even possible with all that they've been through?
    Zayn's pondering is interrupted when the front door opens and Harry peeks out from the inside. The pang near his heart Zayn feels next is most likely a yet undetected medical condition, he concludes. It's called into question right when two little girls try to look outside too, each one leaning over from behind Harry's legs, one light-brown, one dark-haired head with curious eyes peering at the car. That's not one but two reasons for Zayn to stop overthinking shit and get out of his car, plastering a smile on his face that's half-pretend and half-relief.
    "Dad!" they both screech at the same time, running towards Zayn as fast as they can. He catches each one with an arm, squatting down and hugging them close to his chest.
    "Hi, Erin. Hi, Sage," Zayn says between kissing each one of his daughters on the head. "I missed you so much, sweethearts. Are you ready to go trick-or-treating?"
    "Yes!" Erin, the older one of the two yells. "But Daddy said I can't eat any of my candy until tomorrow after lunch."
    Zayn chuckles, as Erin continues to pout. "Don't worry, we'll be sneaky and have some when we get back, yeah? Just a little so Daddy doesn't get mad and the tooth-fairy actually has some teeth to find later. You don't want them all to rot."
    "Ewwww!" the girls draw out.
    "Can we go to the movies tomorrow?" Sage asks, her big green eyes open, brimming with child-like honesty. "We can all go together. I want the big popcorn with the pictures on the bucket."
    Zayn's chest deflates, sighing softly as he tries to come up with a lie to tell his child. Again. "Together" used to mean something vastly different at a time not that long ago. Now it resembles more another life rather than a former part of his current one.
    "I don't know, honey," Zayn replies, the words not completely dishonest. "I'll ask your Daddy and maybe the three of us can go."
    "But I want everyone to go," Sage's mouth curls downwards. "All of us."
    Zayn bites the inside of his cheek. "Sagey, I don't believe we can do that. But let's not think about tomorrow, okay? It's Halloween! Aren't you girls excited? I'm surprised you haven't got your costumes on yet. Power Rangers, I must say I'm quite proud of you. Incredible choice."
    "I'm gonna be the pink one!" Erin announces cheerfully. "Sage will be the yellow one. Which colour will you be?"
    "Um, I got the green one," Zayn says. "Not sure about which one Daddy got."
    "Red," Sage answers to the unspoken question. "I think red and yellow look pretty together and if you mix them, it makes orange! We learned that with Miss Tanya this week."
    "Did you? You're such a smart girl," Zayn grins at Sage and picks her up, both because he hasn't done that in weeks and missed his daughter more than a dying man in the desert would crave water, and because his knees were killing him. He hates being reminded how old he's actually getting.
    After a moment, Zayn puts Sage back on the gravel path leading to the front door. Erin is chatting on about school too but Zayn only half listens to the report on numbers and learning new letters and shit because he can't focus on anything except for Harry's gaze. He's been watching them the whole time from the front door, kind of giving Zayn the impression as if Harry didn't trust him with his own damn kids that he's helped raise from the moment they were born up until the disruption in their lives some months ago. After all, Zayn didn't ask for the divorce so it's not like it's his fault.
    Truth be told, their separation and the divorce proceedings they're currently battling their way through were no one's fault. An unfortunate slew of events led to all this. To the fighting, to the disenchantment, to the detachment. Nothing they could've done would've been able to prevent this eventual ending. It's bigger than them. It's bigger than the love they had for each other, might still have, or even the love for their kids.
    "How about you go and get changed into your costumes, huh?" Zayn whispers to them conspicuously, like they had a secret mission or something. "I'll get my own from the car and then we'll meet in a few. How does that sound?"
"Great!" and "Good!" are shouted at the same time before the girls take off and stomp their way up the steps, brushing past Harry as they giggle cheerfully.
Zayn took a bit too long for simply grabbing his own Power Ranger costume from the back seat, still in its original packaging, just as it arrived at his doorstep a few days ago. Only the Amazon box is missing. He's dreading having to talk to Harry again. When the girls FaceTimed him last week, screeching one over the other that they're all going trick-or-treating together, Zayn was ecstatic to spend time with Erin and Sage again. Even in the back of his head, a place deep enough for foolish dreams and desires, Zayn thought that maybe, just maybe, he and Harry can talk again without the presence of their lawyers. Look at things from a different perspective. But now that he's faced with the startling reality of it, Zayn kind of wants to act like a proper bitch and completely ignore Harry.
    That's not an option and he knows it. They both do because if they want to raise their daughters together despite not being together, they have to communicate and they have to at least pretend like things are just fine even if they're so fucking far from it the edge of the galaxy is probably closer.
    Erin and Sage are just six and four, they hardly understand what's really going on. When one single event changed the course of their lives last November, Erin and Sage were still Zayn and Harry's biggest and only priority, really. They might be sad sometimes, ask "When is Dad coming back?" but ultimately, this is for their own good. Erin is catching onto more and more things every day but she still doesn't completely understand all of it. There are well-used tales for kids for when someone dies, there's a divorce or a breakup, anything that's trauma-inducing. She still nods when they feed her those lies but Zayn often wonders when will she ask the questions neither Zayn nor Harry has the answers to.
    "Hi," Harry says with an attempt at a smile when Zayn walks up the steps to the front door. "I'm glad you could make it. Erin and Sage almost talked my ears off about how excited they were to see you."
    It's been a few weeks since Zayn saw Harry this up close. Sure, there were the terribly depressing meetings with their lawyers, talking about their family in a way that was so barren of any emotion it nearly made Zayn sick, and in that kind of a situation, it's hard to focus on the man who you thought was the love of your life.
Harry looks tired. There's no other way to put it. He has dark circles underneath his eyes, his face an ashen shade of grey almost. The lines around his eyes and on his forehead are more pronounced than normal. His face is also thinner than ever. The sheer fascination with having a moment to look at Harry properly again after ages, the person he used to know as well as himself, takes Zayn to darker places too. He sees the two small scars on Harry's temple, one almost in his right eyebrow. Zayn's eyes travel down to Harry's collar bones, exposed by his low-neck t-shirt and sees the tiny, paler spots on his skin. If he thinks about it hard enough, he can still recall how those scars felt underneath his fingertips, so vividly that he might as well be doing it right now.
Zayn bites his bottom lip to keep himself from asking Harry questions that he has no right to ask now. How are you, honestly? Can you sleep at night? Do you take care of yourself or is that lost in the abyss because the girls are all you can think about to keep yourself sane?
    "Of course," Zayn affirms with the same clinical politeness. "I wish I could come over to see them more often. I miss them a lot."
    "I know," Harry nods and looks down at his feet. "It'll be better once the joint custody is in place after- after everything's finalised."
    "Sure," Zayn breathes out heavily. "So, can I come in?"
    Harry's cheeks go a little pink when he realised they've been standing at the door's threshold for the past few minutes instead of going inside like normal people. He clumsily steps to the side on unsteady feet, letting Zayn in and closing the door behind them.
    "Uh," Harry hums nervously. "You can change in the guest bedroom. I'll put some things away in the kitchen, the girls made a mess at supper and I'll quickly change too and then we can go, is that fine?"
    "Yeah, sure," Zayn shrugs a little. "I'll make sure Erin and Sage are ready."
    "That'd be great," Harry agrees, nodding stiffly.
    They stand there for a few moments, both fumblingly switching between looking at each other and avoiding the other's gaze. One would never believe that not that long ago, they both lived in this house and did all of this together. As a unit, as a family. Making supper, getting the kids ready, taking care of the house in general. Now they talk like strangers. Their babysitter surely doesn't go through this awkward moment every time she comes over.
    Eventually, the silence is shattered by both of them concurrently.
"I just-"
    "I'm-"
    "Sorry, go on first," Zayn says after they stuttered over their words.
    "Oh," Harry's eyes widen a little. "It was nothing, really. Forget about it. I'll just- I'll be in the kitchen if the girls need me."
    Zayn's not a cruel person but if he was, he'd scream at Harry's back at he's their father too, just because he doesn't live here anymore doesn't mean that he doesn't know how to take care of their basic needs. Instead, he just lets all the anger and grief slide away and walks up the stairs.
    He passes a room that he hasn't been in months. The sight of the white door with some light-blue stickers in the shape of stars makes Zayn stop in his tracks and stare at the plank of painted wood as if it could suddenly become see-through or possibly give him answers to questions he's too afraid to ask, too ashamed to ask.
    Zayn shakes his head, as if he could get rid of the intrusive thoughts and enters the room right next to this one, which is thankfully just the nondescript guest bedroom. No traces of them here. Nothing that could mangle Zayn's heart again.
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AHHH!! 🎃🎃🎃🎃 Here we go, a new fic!! My best friend said this is the best thing I've ever written and that I made her cry sooo, I guess stay tuned for more chapters?
Let me know how you liked the first chapter 😊 Your votes and comments mean the world to me and really motivate me to write more and more each day 😊 Love you guys thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡