Hiraeth | Regulus Black

Chapter Thirty Eight

Esme bit down on the sleeve of her jumper, hoping to stifle the sounds of her sobs as she attempted to calm her breathing.

The moment she had been released from the drawing room, her mother had allowed her to escape to the confines of her bedroom. Antoinette had shown a ray of mercy, seeing it was too much for her daughter to handle and a breakdown would not go down well in front of the crowd of Death Eaters.

Sitting, with her back pressed up against the closed bedroom door, Esme felt as though all of the hope had been drained from the world.

Then, a small ray of light in the form of a gentle knock on the door.

"Esme? Are you in there?"

"Esme, I can hear you, you know. Just, open the door please."

Slowly, as if every weight in the world was dragging her down, Esme found her feet again. She pulled herself upwards, her hand hovering over the door handle as she composed herself, and finally opened the door.

Esme looked up at Regulus, unsure of what to say. He didn't have a response either.

"I... I don't know what to say." He mumbled sadly.

Despite both having gone through the same trauma, neither knew how to comfort the other.

"You don't have to." Esme sighed. It felt like she had been holding in her breath for hours and now Regulus was here, she could finally exhale again.

Tentatively, as if everything could fall down if he stepped out of line, Regulus moved into the room.

"Did my parents let you come see me?" She quietly asked.
He coughed slightly, "Not exactly. Ignatius covered for me. He thought you might want to see me, for some reason."

"Oh, so Ignatius is being nice now? What a surprise." She scoffed.
"That's not really important right now." Regulus shook his head, "This is more important." He gestured to his marked arm.

"This..." Esme began slowly, her voice cracking, "This is worse than I..." She backed up against the wall and slowly slid down it so she was sat back on the hardwood floor, "Worse than I could have imagined."

Regulus moved quickly to her side, sitting down beside her, "We'll figure something out. We just need to play safe for a little while."

"I don't want to think about it." She rested her head on his shoulder, and Regulus wrapped an arm round her shoulders.

They sat in silence for a moment, gripping onto each other as some escape from the reality of the current climate.

"Don't tell anyone about this." She sighed softly, her head still tucked into his chest.
Regulus chuckled and tightened his arms around the girl to hold her closer to him, "I wouldn't dream of it. Wouldn't want anyone to know you were a cuddler."

The two sat together for some time, the only sound in the room being their uneasy breathing. Every now and again, Esme would sniffle, leading Regulus to plant a soft kiss on top of her head. Neither of them dared to move a muscle, simply relishing  in being in the company of each other, and not wanting it to end anytime soon. The evening had begun to set in by the time Regulus moved - although not because he wanted to, but simply because his legs were going numb from sitting on the hardwood floor for so long.

"Where are you going?" Esme inquired, sitting up as the boy clambered to his feet and stretched out his arms in front of him.
"Nowhere. I just feel like I've broken most of the bones in my body sitting on the floor for so long. Besides, it's nearly time to get ready for the party tonight." He groaned, rolling his shoulders and shaking out his legs.

"I don't want to be alone right now." She whispered, hugging her knees up against her chest.
Regulus looked down at her, sadness filling his eyes as he saw how defeated she was, "I'm not going anywhere. We need to stick together now, more than ever. Otherwise we'll never get out of this."

"Get-get out of this? This is permanent." Esme rolled up her sleeve and stuck out her left arm, "This isn't going to let us lead normal lives. We're marked for life. The only way out of this is Azkaban." She pointed at the Dark Mark embedded in her skin. Her arm was bright red and still felt as though it was throbbing. At the time, it didn't feel like the pain would ever truly go away.

"We can't give up now! You'll find a way out; you always do." He crouched down in front of Esme, placing a hand on her knee.

Slowly shaking her head, she replied, "We're all alone now. If the Dark Lord wants us, we have to be there. We have no choice. Nobody is going to believe us and even if they did, there's nothing anybody could possibly do."

"Esme..." Regulus sighed. He didn't want to admit it - knowing this would only cause the girl to spiral farther - but he knew what she was saying was true.

"Just..." She reached out and took his hands, pulling him towards her, "Just stay here, okay? I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Come on then, let's just sit, yes?" He pulled Esme to her feet and sat on the bed, leaning back against the headboard. She lay beside him, her head resting on his chest as she clung tightly against his side. Regulus rested a hand on the back of her head, gently combing his fingers through her dark hair, hoping there was some way he could ease her pain.

Esme couldn't cope. She didn't know how Regulus was keeping it together. All of her life, the most important thing to her had always been her freedom. She'd always been independent and relatively allowed to explore her own sense of identity. Esme's independence and freedom was the most vital thing to her - she lived for it. This Dark Mark, this smudge of dark ink in her skin, it had torn that away from her forever.
Esme could never truly free again. She was trapped. Her future had been destroyed and all of her hopes were shattered.
The Death Eaters would always be watching over her and Esme could never be herself again.

She had often struggled enough with her parents. Esme would have to dilute herself so as not to anger or shock her parents with her views of ideas. That's why Hogwarts was such a welcome relief, She could learn and explore and debate and express herself without any fears or concerns.
Yet, now, even at Hogwarts, she wasn't safe.
Any and all sense of privacy had vanished.

Little did Esme know, Regulus was struggling just as much as she was. He wouldn't express it though, knowing he had to hold himself together for the both of them. They couldn't get caught for their beliefs now.

"We need to get ready for the party." Regulus rested his mouth against the top of Esme's head and mumbled into her hair before pressing a gentle kiss to it.

Esme sighed softly, "I won't-can't."
"We have to." He explained, "You know how suspicious it will look if you don't go. Everyone is going to be there - it's practically a celebration for us."

"We can still runaway." She whispered, "We'll pack a bag and runaway to Scotland. We can live in the highlands in a cave and maybe they'll never find us."
Regulus chuckled slightly, "As much as I would love to live in a cold, damp cave with you, we would definitely be caught. We just have to get this party over with, then we can figure something out, okay? Push comes to shove, it's only a few months until we're seventeen and we can run away then - when the trace is broken."

"Yes, but what if... If he calls on us... Before then? We could be made to do something unforgivable. We could be forced to commit crimes. We could get caught. Reg, we could go to Az-"

"Esme, stop." Regulus sat upright, causing Esme to sit up too so he could look at her eye-to-eye and stop her from spiralling. "Let's focus on one thing at a time. That's all we can do right now."
"Maybe you're right." She sighed.

"I am." He cupped her face in his hands, "Hey, it's my job to keep you grounded, remember? I'm right about this. We just need to go to this party and convince everyone that we're happy, can you do that?"

She fell back down onto the bed, "Well I don't have much of a choice, do I?"
"No, not really."