It's not because I didn't try: Radiyah Cleomi Finlayson

Its not because i didnt try

Please don't think I was taking the easy way out or that I was lazy. No one has any idea of the horrors I have experienced in my life. There are things I can't even say out loud to myself. I don't have anyone I can truly confide in and sometimes pretending to be okay is too hard. My life is too hard. There has not been a day in my life that I preferred to be alive. I wonder everyday why I had to wake up, why my life is so hard and why I just can't see a way out. I feel like I have given 10000% of myself everyday. I wake up, smile , work, struggle , make money and still try to help those around me and no one helps me. No one cares about me. No one loves me. Not the way I need. I am so tired of feeling like I'm nothing and awful and like a bad person. I cannot see where I'm going to be in 5 years because 5 days is so hard for me.

I am beyond my mental capacity. Why did I have to be born. Why was I born to be hated. No one likes me. No one wants to be around me. I can't keep living like this I am so tired. I'm fighting for a life I don't even want.

Lemon
I'm sorry mommy wasn't strong enough. Hopefully I don't go before you. I know if I lose you I won't have a reason to live.

Eniskha
Don't blame yourself. You are the best friend I have ever had. The greatest person who accepted all of me. The only person I could tell everything to. Without you I would've been gone much sooner. Thank you . I wish I could give you the world because you are my world

Drexel
Everyday I wish you were my real brother. You are the most amazing man I have ever met in my life and I cherish all of our moments together. Since the day I met you you have been nothing but a positive light in my life. I am so happy that I know you. I am so happy that I got to meet you I am so lucky to be regarded as a friend and I wish I could do more for yours

Nicole and Dj ,Audia , Marvenique,
I love you guys . God brought you back late but I'm grateful for you no matter what we have been through. There isn't enough I can say about the joy you all have brought to my life. The warmth of family. The closest I will ever get to Cleomi and Pedro are you guys and I am so grateful that I was able to experience your love.

Anne, Rose, Uncle Peter Auntie Rosie Dion Grammy
Chanel, John, uncle Fritzner.
Thank you for loving me and beckoning me with open arms . Had I known you all my life things would've been different

Ramon, Sophia and Cameron
I wished you could've been in my life more I love you guys so much . I know everything would've been different if I got to grow up with y'all more.

Isaiah and Sheran
I may not watch you grow up but I already know that you will be great. My love for you knows no bounds. Isaiah your laugh and your cuddles and kisses warm up my heart. I love be spend time with my little brother. Sheran. Everytime I look at you .. I just can't imagine anything more sweet. Your eyes make me feel welcome and I know you know me. I love you!

Marjahn, Jhanee Rahim, and Desiree , Mark and Najah Dinia, Randy
I wasn't the daughter / sister you wanted. But I was myself. You made it very difficult to love myself and to want to live. But I don't blame you. Find Peace and kindness.

Cleomi and Pedro
Why did you leave me? Why did you not take me with you? I need you I need you I wish to hold you and hear your voice I just want to know what you were like. I just want to know the kind of people you were and how much you loved me. I hate this world without you in it I just can't see how I'm supposed to be happy

Gregory,
Thank you. I don't have enough words to explain how much you mean to me. As a friend and confidant you literally helped me at my darkest times. Times when my parents weren't even around for me. I will never be able to repay you because I still can't even fathom what compels you to even want to help me. You make me smile and laugh and you are stoic when I cry. Thank you for allowing me to cry to you for so many years.

I really tried so hard. Every single day. All I ever wanted was to be happy. Why is that so hard and impossible. Why. People think I'm so evil. Maybe I was and that's why My life is so bad.

No matter what I do .. everything is bad.  My whole life has been awful and I don't want it anymore

I have been unloved my entire life. I was only worth what I could do. Never just loved for being me. Maybe I just wasn't created to be loved- tolerated, used, and thrown away. Everyday I am left dumbfounded at how easily everyone is able to discard me and forget about me, until they need me for something. Is it my fault? Have I just never made an important enough impression on anyone.. for them to want me?

Knowing that I mean more to strangers than my own family that raised me is a painful thing and other people go through it, but how many times will family escape me. I just can't be created for a family. I am.. a waste.

I wish I died. Every day I wish I could've been hit my something, killed by someone because i don't want to look like a coward if I off myself. I don't want to be called all the nasty things I'm called in life- in death.

I'm not selfish. I wasn't a bad child. No one ever wanted to understand what I needed. I needed MY mother. I want my mom. And it hurts because I don't even have one and I never had one. I have never felt welcome. I never feel normal. I wish I could rip my skin off I am so tired of fighting a losing battle with joy and life. I just want to waive my white flag.

Please don't make me wake up tomorrow I'm not strong enough to myself and the pain of living in unbearable.

I love some of you so much and I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore.

Mentally I've given up. I just want to waste away.