Disruption

Therapy

She chuckled. "No I mean what about that night in particular? It might be different for each of you."

"I just keep replaying getting shot. And walking into the kitchen to see a guy pointing a gun at mom and Callie."

Lauren took more notes.

"What about you Callie?"

I hesitated. "I uh...I just can't get the image out of my mind of me looking out the window to see him staring at me. Every time I close my eyes I see it. I can't walk by any windows at night. And if I have to, I make sure the curtains are closed. And I just keep picturing that guy yelling at mom and threatening to shoot her or I replay Mariana getting shot...so I don't get much sleep."

Stef was just looking at me. She looked a little upset. Probably because I never told her any of this.

"I would expect nothing less after everything that happened." Lauren said. "What happened was traumatic and will take time to get over."

But how long?! I wanted to yell. I just wanted everything to be back to normal.

"What about you?" Lauren asked Stef.

Stef stared blankly. "What about me?"

"Have you been having any problems? If the girls know that you're having a hard time as well, they might feel better."

"Well uh..."

Stef was obviously taken off guard.

"I haven't been getting much sleep either. The night it all happened, I felt so vulnerable because I couldn't protect my family. And I'm afraid to fall asleep because when I'm sleeping, I'm vulnerable. When I'm awake, I know what's going on and everything is in my control."

"Anything else?"

Stef cleared her throat.

"I just can't forget the fear on my family's faces. Lena, the girls, they looked so scared. I can't get the image out of my mind."

I could hear her struggling to keep the emotion out of her voice. I never really thought about how hard it was for her to see her whole family scared and in danger and not being able to do anything. It would be such a helpless feeling.

"But you did your best." Mariana said.

I nodded. "You tried to keep him calm and made sure he kept answering the phone and communicating with them. You tried to reason with him."

"And look where it got me." Stef said. "Mariana got shot."

"There wasn't anything you could have done. If you couldn't have prevented it, then no one could have." I said.

"Yeah you gotta stop blaming yourself." Mariana said. "It was no one's fault. That jackass had a gun. What were you supposed to do?"

"Language Mariana." Stef said.

"But really." I said. "You did all you could."

Stef pulled is both into a tight hug
"Thank you girls for saying that. It makes me feel a lot better."

We wrapped up the session and made our way back to the car.

"Do you girls feel better?" Mom asked as we started driving home.

We nodded. "I didn't expect to but I do." I said.

"Why didn't you tell me you were having so much trouble?" She asked me. "I could've helped you. We could keep all the curtains closed at night for you. I just wish you would have talked to me."

"I'm sorry if I upset you." I said. "I know you were probably a little caught off guard."

"I'm not upset you didn't tell me first." She said. "I'm upset that I didn't know and therefore couldn't help you."

"But I don't think there's anything you could do." I said. "It would've just given you more to worry about."

Stef reached over and squeezed my hand.

"You don't worry about that." She said. "I want you to talk to me. About anything. I want to be the person you go to. And that applies to both of you." She said, looking in the rearview mirror at Mariana who was in the back seat.

We nodded. "So it's agreed then, yes? If you girls have any more problems or just want to talk, you'll come to me or Mama?"

We nodded.

"Good." She said.

"And you too." I told her. "You don't have to keep to yourself. You can talk to us."

She chuckled. "As sweet as that is, it's not how it works. It's not your job to  comfort me."

"So?" Mariana said. "It doesn't mean we can't."

"Okay." Mom said with a smile. "If it means that much to you then we can all talk to each other. That includes Mama and your brothers. We'll get through this. As a family."