Michaelishious - Vol. 2019

Dec. 2nd: Circus girl

"Ladies and gentlemen! I have the honor to present to you Circus Deloire's famous magician, the Monsieur de Neverland..."

There was a drumroll and the tension in the room was almost palpable.

"The Magnificent Maestro!"

Then the stage light blended me in many different colors, and the loud roar from the audience and the music, made everything go silent in a way. All I could hear was my own breathing and heart beats, as I entered the middle of the circus tent. Around me was darkness, but I could still see some of the excited faces of children and their parents sitting ringside. I loved those faces. It reminded me of myself when I was a kid, looking wide-eyed at my biggest idols, wishing that I someday could become like them. And here I was, in the spotlight in front of them all, performing my newest number, wearing the most sequined suit I could find. And of course with an equally sparkling top hat on my head.

I was Michael Jackson, the magician. And the loneliest man on the planet.

I followed my routine that I'd developed and practiced on for years, some of the tricks even ever since I was a young boy. Everything went smoothly, and the movements flowed just the way I wanted them to. This was what I lived for; to entertain other people and make them happy. But just like a clown hides his sadness behind makeup or a mask, I hid mine behind my widest smiles and energetic gestures, then later returned to my trailer. Alone.

How could I feel so isolated in a world with so many people? I looked around me, and appreciated the love from the audience. They loved me, and I really loved them back. But they weren't there to kiss me goodnight before I went to sleep. And they didn't give me someone I could hold my arms around at night. They gave me a lot of inspiration and encouragement, but not what I needed the most. I just needed somebody to love.

I did my performance well. It wasn't perfect, so I knew I was going spend the rest of the night improving what I felt was wrong. But according to the feedback I got, those imperfections were all in my head, and I always got standing ovations after every show. And maybe it was? But at least all the practice kept me distracted from my misery, until it was time to sleep again.

Sometimes it felt like the only place I was truly happy was when I was in that circus ring. So I had started to stay behind, after I was done with my rehearsals before the show. I had never really done that before. To me, everything we did was work. I'd never really sat back and watched what the other artists were doing. And I had my reasons. First of all; I didn't like clowns. And even though Gregor was a nice man off stage, I didn't really feel the urge to watch him perform as one. And I wasn't a fan of throwing knives at someone tied to a spinning wheel or swallowing swords, either. And the camels, horses, dogs and llamas... It honestly didn't feel right to make animals live under such circumstances, only to entertain people. It just didn't.

But there was one artist I appreciated, and that was the girl in the trapeze. She was gracious like a gazelle, and stunningly beautiful. And I was amazed by the strength and the precision in everything she did. And it seemed like she could twist and turn like if she didn't have a single bone in her body. But all I knew about her was her name, and that she came from Eastern Europe.

Leona was in the beginning of her twenties, and therefore a little younger than me. But her English wasn't very good, so it was difficult to have a conversation with her. Still, I couldn't help myself from gazing up at her, where she danced around under the dome of the circus tent, like if gravity didn't matter. I studied the way her back arched when she flew through the air, with only a rope twisted around her ankles to secure her from falling. I watched her flex her muscles when she changed position, and how she rolled her wrists and pointed her toes, and how the lights made her skin-tight outfit sparkle, making her shine like a true star. And the way she smiled at me when she slowly came back down to the ground, made me feel lifted in a way.