Just a little crazy (finished)

chapter two

I open my mouth to say something before snapping it shut, glaring at the ground. "that's what I thought," he comments, and if I wasn't so in love with him, I would have snapped. Okay. Maybe not. They are alphas after all, and while I occasionally disrespect them, I don't think I'd snap at them.

It's silent for a while before Katchan speaks up, "I expect you will do as told?"

"yes alphas," I respond, no longer glaring, but pouting at the ground.

"hey cheer up. We can play video games la-"

"katsuki, he is grounded, he can't play video games," Todoroki interrupts his mate. I hear him whine, obviously upset that we can't play, but he doesn't push it any further. I'm actually a bit surprised. We haven't played video games for a while now. Which is my fault, I try to avoid being near them to much. I just can't bare it. Even now, all I want to do is jump into their arms and never leave their warmth.

"stupid punishment," I hear Katchan mumble as he walks out with Shoto, both saying their goodbyes as they leave."

I whine once their gone, already missing them.

^^^

The remainder of the week passed quickly. When I woke up the day after the incident I was back to my old self and instantly felt guilty. I was out of my dorm dressed for school remarkably quick, all to run to Uraraka's room where I apologized repeatedly, I even cried at the thought of losing on of my best friends. Even if she's fake...

Thankfully she forgave me, as did I to her.

Everything was going well. I was able to control, or at least hide, my mood and stay out of trouble. I still think I didn't deserve a punishment such as my grounding, but I did feel bad for what I did to Uraraka. I even got to class on time.

It was all good, and not just for me either. Todoroki's and katchan's little band were getting even more popular. Kiri and denki finally told people they were mates. And Uraraka found her mate. Someone named Toga.

However, it didn't last long. Friday came around and I was 2 hours late for class. I had a particularly nasty nightmare the night before and wound up only getting 30 minutes sleep. When the time for school came by, I couldn't bring myself to get up. I didn't want to see my mates so happy without me. I knew it wasn't their fault but seeing them move on without me would only make my mood worse.

So here I was, laying on the ground of my dorm room, two hours after I'm supposed to be in class. Blood surrounded me as the voices screamed, cuts on my wrist, hips, ankles, thighs, anywhere I could reach really. Despite this I had a smile on my face, my face stained with tears.

I knew this was coming. I guess its expected. After my mum died in an accident, I slowly started to spiral downwards. I thought it was the end of the world. My sun had stopped shining and I didn't know how to cope. My mum was my life, she was the reason my heart had a rhythm. And then she was gone, just like that. She slipped through my grasp and fell into a black abyss, taken by death. Stolen from me. All I had left was Katchan, but he started to pay more attention to his mate, Todoroki. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to give up. Everyone seemed happy. Just as I was about to give up. I found them. My mates. And I had a new reason to live. When I discovered Katchan and Todoroki where my mates, I was overjoyed. Perhaps someone would actually love me... I mean, I guess I had uraka and Iida, but there clearly not real.

I couldn't wait to tell them, to find love and acceptance, something I had been devoid of since my mum's death. But then she showed up. Told me I wasn't to let them know who or what I am or katchan's mum, my 'aunty' would be killed, along with anyone else seen fit. And just like that I felt alone again.

I made do with what I could have, I made a potion to hide my mate bond. I made two new friends. I tried to ignore Iida's and uraka's true feelings. I trained with all my heart, learning to love the pain I got when breaking a bone or slicing my skin open. I ignored the side effects of my potion, such as delusions, depression, anxiety, bipolar and more.

It's funny what a fake smile and long sleeves can do...

There better of without you, the voices would whisper. Telling me I'm weak, fat, useless. So, I trained harder, stopped eating, kept cutting. Eventually I got so good at pretending it became real. I actually felt happy! The downside? I would have extreme mood swings.

But it doesn't matter. As long as everyone else is happy, right? Yeah... I couldn't even do that. I lash out at people, lie, manipulate, hurt...

And now I'm skipping class. My studies were all I had left. As long as I became a hero it would all be fine... but according to all might I'm not trying hard enough and skipping? I'll fall behind in seconds.

I... I just...

I just want to be me again!

That's a bit hard though, especially seeming I don't seem to remember how to be me.

Okay Izuku... think on the bright side.

You've still never sworn... so there must be hope...

I feel a giggle build up inside of me, only for it to turn into a choked sob. And just like that I'm crying again. I'm not even sure if I even stopped.

I don't know how long passes, but I end up falling asleep, curled up on the floor with my blood all around me, blood still coming out of my many wounds.

I was greeted by nightmares once again.