Eloquence and Twisted Fate

Chapter 16- I hate lying.

I sighed, running my hands through my dirty hair. A shower was in order, but first I needed to explain what had happened in full. I wrote down the full events of what happened in London and in the SHIELD medical wing in an email, which I then sent to Norman, Haley, and Connor. Then I finally opened the door to the bathroom and stared at what must have been my reflection. The partial reflection I saw on the screen of my computer didn't do it justice.

It appeared I'd lost about 15 pounds in 24 hours. Since I was already pretty thin, this meant that I'd taken on a partially skeletal appearance. My cheeks were a little sunken, my skin was pale, and my eyes were significantly duller than they usually were. When I took off my SHIELD medical garb, the parts of my ribs that weren't covered by my massive bandage were sticking out. I closed my eyes, and turned away from the mirror. This wasn't the first time I'd changed drastically in a short period of time, but this time the transformation was positively alarming.

I turned on the shower, turning the water up almost as hot as it would go. Then I just stood under the spray for a very long time as I put aside all thoughts of heroes, villains, and SHIELD itself to try to organize my life once more. Could you say I was having a mental breakdown? Probably. It wasn't far from the truth.

The realization I'd been hiding from for several hours had finally caught up to me. I'd killed someone. True, the person I killed definitely deserved it, but still... the realization that I could make someone simply not exist anymore shook my world completely. Yes, I knew it was going to happen. It was pretty much in the job description. But somewhere, deep down, I'd hoped I wouldn't have to anyways. I'd stayed in the shower for what must have been hours before someone- Clint, actually- knocked on the bathroom door.

"Paige? Can I talk to you?"

I didn't answer.

"Paige? Please respond to me."

Still, I remained silent.

"Paige, you have thirty seconds to get yourself decent before I enter this room whether you like it or not."

That must have shaken something in me because I had half to brain to grab a towel to cover myself a half second before he opened the door. When he saw me, he sighed. "I had a feeling you'd be like this." He turned off the water to the shower, and I didn't even blink as the chill replaced the heat.

He pulled me out of the bathroom, sitting me down on my bed while he pulled out a chair so he could sit across from me. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

"I know what you're going through." He said, hanging his head and staring at his shoes. "Before I joined SHIELD, well, how much do you know about my backstory?"

I shook my head. Hawkeye wasn't one of my favorite superheroes in the old world.

"Before I joined SHIELD I was a mercenary, much like Wade Wilson. I killed my first target when I was still a kid. My brother- he was still alive at the time- he encouraged me and even congratulated me when I shot the target dead. I felt great- at first. As soon as we went home and I was left alone I got caught up with such a crushing burden of guilt as nobody should ever have to deal with at any age. It took me a long, long time to eventually get past that stage, and I didn't get over it completely until I did my first job for SHIELD." He took another deep breath before making eye contact with me.

"We kill people, Paige. It's part of our job. We trick, we lie, we twist things to make what we want to happen, happen. But, since we're a part of SHIELD, we can be sure of at least one thing: everything we do has a reason behind it. The people we kill- they're not nice people to say the least. By killing them, we save the lives of an unknown number of innocents. Does this make sense to you?"