Until you can't run anymore

Forget the part of me you think you know

"I don't get you", Tyler said as they finally reached his apartment and stepped inside.

"Josh why?" he asked as the other just stood there awkwardly not knowing how to be.

Tyler waited patiently for Josh to respond some way, but as he didn't Tyler grabbed his arm carefully and gestured forward. Josh was leaving wet footsteps on the floor as he followed the other.

"Okay. I'm...", Tyler swallowed. He didn't even know what to do anymore. Josh was shutting down and completely in some sort of a haze staring at his feet.

"Hot shower and some food and then you need to sleep", he decided.

Josh shook his head slowly, only barely registering the words.

"Please don't argue. You are really not in a state to say no and return back to the street. Josh it's one night. They can wait."

The other let out a heavy sigh and to Tyler it conveyed so much more than just him giving up.

Tyler helped him out from the drenched clothes slowly, watching his every move. He was scared that if he would do something wrong Josh would get either mad at him or do something even worse. But Josh was compliant and in a few minutes he was standing under the hot stream and Tyler grabbed his clothes to hang them dry.

"I'll get you a towel", he mumbled knowing that Josh wasn't even listening.

Josh was staring at the wall. He didn't know what to do or how to be. He covered his mouth so he wouldn't cry out loud, glad that the water washed away his tears.

As Tyler returned that's what he saw. Josh biting down to his palm, shaking and panicking. Before he even thought further he stepped inside, ignoring his own damp clothes that would be wet in seconds and pulled Josh to a hug. Josh flinched when Tyler's fingers brushed over his scars by accident but he didn't open his eyes.

They stayed like that for a long while. Tyler ignoring his wet clothes and Josh the storm inside him. Until Tyler realized that avoiding the inevitable for longer wasn't a choice either.

"I think you can fit to my sweatpants and a hoodie. Is that okay for you?" he asked stepping away and handing the towel for the other. He was still terribly confused and afraid that Josh would bolt at any second.

Josh nodded slightly and watched as Tyler shed his own wet clothes now to the floor and grabbed another towel around himself.

"Your day didn't go that well?" Tyler asked as they walked to the bedroom and he started to search for the clothes for Josh.

Josh's mind went back to that place. The gentle touches and kisses. And the questions and the worried glances.

"It was fine", he mumbled, his voice disappearing to the thin air.

"So it's just..." Tyler started but the sharp gasp Josh let out stopped him. Right. He wasn't supposed to go there.

Josh took the hoodie and the sweatpants that Tyler gave him and dressed into them avoiding eye contact.

"I don't have much to eat here. I was going to get some groceries today but..." Tyler swallowed, "I think I have like... I don't know. Some cereal probably. Maybe some pasta. And juice. What do you want?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Josh."

"Maybe in the morning, okay?" Josh said, and it was more like a miserable whine than an actual answer. Just the thought of food made his stomach turn.

"Kay", the other accepted it. Josh looked horribly hurt and gloomy and he didn't want to make him feel worse by pushing it. He had already done a lot of that today.

"And I will sleep on the floor", Josh continued staring at Tyler's bed that looked so comfy and warm. Not like he deserved that either. Besides, even better if he would just leave home. What was he doing here anyway?

"No. That won't do."

"It's not fair."

"What isn't?" Tyler frowned.

"This. You."

"Josh. I don't get it."

"You should not have to witness my agony. Not the worst moments", Josh answered knowing he was also lying. What was his life more than worst moments?

"It's fine. You can't scare me of", Tyler smiled sadly and went to turn off the lights.

Awkwardly Josh climbed to the bed and lay still even after he felt the mattress dip as Tyler joined him.

"I know it hurts, but I just..." Tyler said.

It was again the darkness of the night that showed the truth a little bit longer. Josh squirmed next to him, embracing himself for what was coming. He knew he couldn't escape. Nor should. Might as well dive into the worst pain he knew.

"You know I think there is nothing wrong in what you do. Right? But him... those people... They take what they want. Piece by piece. Of you. Until there is nothing left."

"That.."

"There a things you can't sell. Like your past. Your future. You."

"I have already done that. I don't want it. I don't need it. I don't even fucking want this. Nor dare to think what the future brings. I don't have anything left. Everything is nothing."


"You are so wrong. It's you who is left. Still. Don't let them take that away from you."

"And what if I am not? What if this is all there ever will be?"

And there they were again. Josh didn't stop shaking and Tyler coaxed him into a hug. Josh felt like every ounce of his being was torn apart. To raw flesh, down to the bones. And Tyler stared into the darkness wishing he would take part of that pain.


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