Until you can't run anymore

Forget the part of me you think you know

"It will, if I push it deep enough and keep it there."

The other turned to look at him, but Josh didn't move. He knew what those eyes conveyed. And he didn't have time for that either.

Then a car pulled over and he was relieved that the conversation was finished.

"Josh", Tyler stood up too. Just the idea of Josh continuing his work, just like that, turned his stomach upside down.

"I need to go."

Tyler stayed still staring at the other. He glanced at the guy in the car and let out then a sigh. "I know. I'll see you later."

"Yeah", Josh nodded.

After Josh had gotten in the car he knew he might as well go and work too. Standing there and staring at the street, like Josh had just done, wasn't going to resolve anything.

----------

Time passed slowly for Josh. He wondered was it because the guy was so quiet, or because his mind was constantly trying to travel to the darkest corners of his mind. It was exhausting to fight it. But it would have been like a broken record, replaying again and again, so he rather fought than let it win.

"You seem lost", the guy frowned when the time was up, getting dressed.

Josh snorted inwardly but shook his head then.

"No? A lot to think?"

"Yeah, maybe", Josh shrugged. He never had understood why the clients were first so quiet and then after sex started to probe. Or open up. That was the other thing they did.

"Oh, it's raining. Do you want me to drop you there or?" the guy said as he glanced out.

"It's fine."

He had to work. Besides he had a hoodie and the eaves would give him some cover. Not that he really cared anyway, it was just water. Just cold water soaking him up. Pretty fitting to his mood. He didn't know anymore did he hate himself or his self-pity more.

Following the other out from the apartment and back to the car he couldn't ignore the way the guy kept glancing him. Like he wanted to say something. Josh was too familiar with it, so he kept quiet. What was he going to say anyway?

As he stepped out from the car, he let out a heavy sigh. It really was pouring. He couldn't stay there too long.

"Hey, I'll see you again, okay?" the guy said as he was closing the door.

"Yeah", Josh forced a smile to his lips.

The car drove away and he was left alone in the street. With a few skips he was on the corner. To the tiny spot in the ground that was still dry, he sat. Pulling the hood over his head he chewed his lip and grabbed his knees. At least it wasn't too cold yet.

But in an hour he was fully drenched. There, slouched down he was verging sleep and not even aware of his surroundings. And now it was too cold. So cold that he didn't even bother to move. The numbness that spread through him was delicious and calming.

"Josh."

He heard he voice but didn't register it. Maybe he was dreaming. Or maybe he was already dead. Then the hand grabbed his shoulder and he flinched awake.

"Josh..." Tyler swallowed thickly as he lifted his gaze. Josh's glassy stare cut right through him. "You can't just sit here."

And Josh didn't even care. Tyler pulled him to his feet and started to direct him away. Josh was too tired to fight. Even when in the crossroads Tyler continued towards his own apartment and not Josh's, he just kept walking with him.