Hours Of Life

0400hrs-0500hrs

September 3rd, 2011 (eighteen years old)

...The world is full of choices...

... And I'm trying to fight the tears back as I make the hardest one yet.

I shouldn't be crying anymore. I shouldn't have been crying in the first place. I knew this was coming for two months now.

It still doesn't replace the magnitude of what is happening in my life as I pack my precious few belongings into my only bag pack. How could it have gone this off track to what I had planned? Did I even have a plan for what was going to happen next?

No.

That was the harsh truth of my reality right now. All I know is that I can't stay here and face Sister Gwen after what I just did. She would never forgive me and I think I don't blame her. I had promised to finish school and get married before I tried it, promised that I would never fall for the temptations that boys held over me.

But Justin was so much different from all the boys I had ever met. He promised me the world if I gave him two hours of my time. And what a magical two hours it was with the first love of my life. He was gentle and passionate to me. He cared about my story. He loved me for who I am.

At least, until three hours ago.

This will haunt me for the rest of my life. I might have been getting straight 'A's in school, but it seemed I knew nothing about how the world worked. I was just another fool walking the face of the earth.

"Going somewhere?"

Stacy's voice startles me so much that I knock over the headphones I was reaching for. The girl was ninja silent when it came to sneaking into other people's rooms. It was a wonder why she never used the skill to go out of the orphanage at all. She must have had adventures of her own now that she was fifteen. I certainly did.

But look where they got me.

"How did you get into my room? I know I locked the door."

She raised a slender metal in her hand and I shook my head, clearly amazed how much her skills were progressing.

"Going somewhere?"

I didn't know what to tell my sister. She would never understand the problem I had. This was something that no one could help me with. She would have to face this alone. I was probably going to be another statistic in this world because I was stupid enough to trust a teenage boy when he told me he'd always be there to protect me.

"Don't tell Sister Gwen."

Stacy gave me that soul gazing stare of hers that I always disliked. It always felt like she knew about the evils I did in my life with just that look.

"Don't do it, Kim."

See what I mean?

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I am talking about."

It was always stupid to keep things from Stacy. She had this knack for knowing things about people. Especially the things that you'd be most ashamed about.

"I don't have a choice."

Stacy went up to me and wrapped her arms around me. It had been a long time since I hugged anyone. Even Sister Gwen's abrupt embraces had ceased to be frequent with every passing day of my teenage years. It was comfort beyond any measure to know that Stacy didn't judge me with malice even now when she knows about my little secret.

"We always have a choice in life, Kim."

I couldn't respond to that. There was too much truth to Stacy's words that I was rendered numb by them. Was this the same situation my biological mother had been in? Is this why she did what she did? Did she leave me so that I could live?

I used to hate that woman. I hated her when I saw the other kids in school get picked up by their parents after classes. I wondered what kind of monster would abandon her child after giving birth to her.

Now I'm here wondering what kind of monster I am trying to kill a baby that wasn't even born.

"What should I do?"

I couldn't stop the tears cascading down my cheeks. I had refused to cry ever since I knew I was in an orphanage. I knew it was a weakness, a pointless endeavor that never yielded results. But right now, I wanted to cry. There was nothing that felt better than crying right now.

It eased the pain that was growing in my body.