eternal marks || hp

Sirius Black

concept: Sirius is still in Azkaban. The letter is set in the narrative of the 3rd book "Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban". Wolfstar involved.

The Dementors are floating around the cages, sucking out the life-giving energy from the souls of other prisoners. It's a late night, I suppose. All I hear is screaming, shouting and crying. I'm used to it, but at first it was heartbreaking.

The wind is howling outside, but all I can see through this small window is an unmeasured darkness. I think it's raining, but I can't be sure.

It has been my life for twelve years. Twelve so long years of loneliness and hurt. I don't know if the wizarding world even remembers my name, but for sure I'll never forget what I lost.

Lily and James. We were like a big, messed up family. They aren't even a part of this world now, because of that freaking Pettigrew. They gave me the amount of love I couldn't imagine that I'll ever have. James brought me home when we were kids and my own family was hating on me, because I wasn't as perfect as Regulus. Potters made me feel like I mattered. Like I wasn't a piece of trash, like my mother used to say.

I've became more self-confident because of them. Lily was the sweetest friend that I could've ever asked for. She was the light of The Marauders. She made James the happiest deer under the sun.

Their relationship brought so much memories for all of us. I hope that Hogwarts is still full of this spirit, if that's even possible.

Their love and devotion still amaze me. But it hurts so bad, when I think of it for a few seconds more than I should. The death took them away from the most precious little human in this world.

Harry...

I'm his godfather, for Merlin's sake. I'm not even able to look after him. The last time I saw him, he was so tiny and helpless. The way he was smiling... I'll never forget it.

He used to play with me, when I was in my animagus form. He giggled so much when he first saw me as Padfoot. We were definitely a good team back then.

I'm this one person in the world, that Lily and James trusted enough to believe that could be with their only child as a guardian, when they won't be here. Meanwhile, I'm a pathetic prisoner. I'm not even guilty at all. The only guilt in my heart is that I am not able to raise my dearest friends child.

I hope the Dursleys treat him right. They didn't seem as the kindest people, when I met them, but it was ages ago. I hope they gave him everything they could. Because I can't sleep a one single night not thinking that he may be in danger, hungry or sad. I can't help myself with these thoughts. They're like real life nightmares - they don't want to disappear, even when I have my eyes so wide open.

I've cried all of tears during my sentence. I was a total mess, but I'm still alive, because I didn't lose hope. My innocence is killing me and keeping me alive at the same time.

When I feel so awfully sorrowful, I try to think of the best memories I have buried in my head. But it hurts as hell, too.

I didn't go crazy in this situation, because of the memory of someone I've loved the way I can't even express now.

I'm going back to my Hogwarts times and I see this vision so clearly...

I remember I couldn't sleep that night. I went down the stairs to the common room with this will to sit next to the fireplace and read some book.

I glanced through the pleasant half-darkness and my eyes landed on Remus.

He was sitting in the biggest armchair sobbing. He was trembling in tears and I think at first he didn't notice me.

- Moony? - I said quietly with so much concern in voice. - Are you okay?

He wiped his face so nervously and didn't even look at me.

- I'm fine. Go back to bed, please. - he said, trying to wave this all aside.

I gasped heavily and sat next to him. I knew the full-moon was coming, so I didn't have to ask for the reason of his hurt. But I did, because I wasn't the brightest one in our group. He was.

- Sirius, I've said something. Leave me alone. - he gave me this typical angry look. But as I said, I wasn't the smartest kid in Hogwarts and he definitely knew.

- Are you serious?
- No, I'm not. But I think you are Sirius. - he replied with this terrible pun on my name. He smiled through the tears and my entire world collapsed. Oh, Merlin, I would give up anything just to see that precious smile one last time.
- I see what you did there, but I'm not blind, my friend. - I said, smiling back at him. - You're worried about the next transition, huh?

He didn't say a word. I could saw the pain painted on his face.

I didn't think about this very long, but I just grabbed his hand and stared him in the eyes.

- If I could take all of your pain somehow, I would do it without a moment of hesitation.
- I know. - I've heard in reply, but I couldn't believe it.

He pulled me closer and just like that, he kissed me. His lips were soft and wet from crying. At first I thought he was just looking for comfort. But then I realised that his heart beating was as fast as mine.

He placed his hands around my neck and slipped his tongue inside my mouth.

And I'll never forget what happened next.

- I think I love you, Moony. - I whispered, heavily breathing. He just touched my face and said:

- I think I love you, too.

This is the happiest memory of my miserable life. This was my memory to produce a patronus, when I had my wand and when I was a free wizard.

After that, everything went downhill. I lost the love of my life, but I always think about him when I see the moon through the barred window.

I hope he still wins everytime there's a full-moon in the sky. I hope he's happy and living his best life with someone else, because I couldn't be with him when he needed me the most. I was just sitting there.

I can't lose hope. It's the only thing that I really have. I've lost so many people, my freedom, my wand, my life, because Pettigrew chose Voldemort over us.

His poor decisions led to this entire tragedy and I can't stand it. And I can feel it, he's right there. Where I should be.

I don't think I believe in justice anymore, but my hope still keeps me going.

Yours,
Padfoot