Somewhere Safe

1. Liberty

I run as fast as I can, my body high on adrenaline, each of my muscles hurts, burns inside my body, I can't breathe. Fuck. I can't breathe! Can somebody please explain where did all the air in the world go? God, I'm exhausted, this is when I regret not being much of a sporty.

Who cares if my body aches, screaming, begging for me to stop? I can't stop. I can't. I have to stay alive. That's all that matters.

All that matters.

My heart pounds inside me, bruising my goddamn ribcage, and I'm so glad there's some sort of tangible prove that I'm here, that it hasn't killed me yet.

I look back, scared, so fucking scared I think I might die right then and there, its about to catch me, whatever that is, the translucent figure that can't seem to get close enough to hurt me but won't go away, I don't have time to stop and stare at the -what is it?- it doesn’t fucking matter what it is, it only matters that it's fast, too fast to be human, too

Maybe I should stop, I tell myself, just for a second, just so I can breathe, no, no! I can't risk it. I have to stay alive. I have to stay alive. But goddammit, what do I even have? What should I stay alive for? It's not like I have much, it's not like I have anything.

And then I fall, because I'm too fucking clumsy, shit, shit. I can't let it catch me. Fuck. My knees are bleeding, my hands are bleeding, and that... whatever it is, stops right in front of me, it stares at me with eyes that seem made of ice and dust, it doesn't move a finger but it somehow scares me even more with it's bluish eyes that shine with a cold light that seems to freeze time. I struggle to stand up, my whole body is shaking and I can't find in me the strength to continue.

"Please" it comes out as a sob, only then do I realize I've been crying "please don't hurt me" I beg, the figure doesn't even flinch and I wonder if this is all just some sick nightmare, something I made up, but it all hurts so bad that it has to be real.

I close my eyes, just for a fraction of a second, and when I open them back, I'm alone. Nothing around me that could possibly hurt me.

I stand up, still shaking, still burning, still not believing I'm safe. I walk in the shore of the empty highway with hesitant steps, too tired to think of where I'm going, everywhere, anywhere, somewhere safe -please, god let me be safe, just for a second, just for a second, please god, please, let me be safe-. I focus on my breathing, on my heartbeat. I’m alive, I’m alive. It's like a mantra, it's all that I can process. I’m alive, I’m alive. Its all that I let myself process. I’m alive, I’m alive. I close my eyes to try and find in me the will to keep going. I’m alive. But I’m too tired, too exhausted, my bones feel heavy, so goddamn heavy, they drag me to the floor, and I let myself be dragged, what else can I do but hope that wherever I fall, I'm safe?, I don't try to stand up, why would I? Somewhere safe, but isn’t the highway as safe as any other place? and as I settle in comfortable numbness, I can hear the sweet rumble of a car's engine.

Where is home?

My dream is filled with smoke, smoke that wont let me breath, and in the middle of the smoke I see him, he's wrapped in fire, burning, burning, burning! And I want to take his place, I want to burn to keep him from doing it, I want to burn, if not for him, with him, to keep me from knowing of life without him, what is life if he's not there to live it with me? What is life if not us? Together? Whole only because we have each other?

He looks at me and walks closer, closer, so close I wander if he wants to drag me with him to wherever, if anywhere, he will go after the fire makes of him nothing but ashes. And with a hand set in flames he pulls me to him "don't let me go!" He begs "don't let me go!" And I cry, what else is there for me to do "you'll be alright" I lie to us both, he looks beyond me, as if he was being pulled out of this world, out of his heartbeat "You'll be alright!" I sob "Don't you dare prove me wrong, Elliot!" I grip on to him, to keep him here, alive, but he becomes smoke right in front of me, and what does smoke do but go away? I want to become smoke too, just as he did under my touch, follow him to wherever, somewhere safe, because where is safer than where Elliot is?

I wake up to the smell of sweat and blood but I’m too dizzy to become afraid so I just lay, Metallica seems like a lullaby, like the sweetest of songs that nurses me into awakenes through a guitar's solo, the rumble of a car's engine under me, purring as a cat, seems to be the first clue that something's wrong, but I ignore it, how can I not? For the first time in what seems like forever I'm warm and rested, and I just want to let myself melt in the warm fuzzy feeling of safety, maybe home is here.

"Dean, we tried iron, holly water and about everything else, it didn't work, she's human!"

“Yeah, well, that doesn’t explain why the EMF goes nuts around her" they're both men, their voices deep and rough, there's a key of danger hidden in how they speak, certain subtle sharpness that makes me flinch.

It takes me a moment to realize that wherever I am, I didn’t get here on my own, fear creeps up my spine and I begin to tremble.

I'm not safe.

I fight with myself to keep my eyes closed, to keep my heart from beating its way out of me, a million scenarios take place in my mind, a million scenarios in which I’m killed, tortured, raped. Somewhere safe. I feel myself shake and I wonder if the two men will notice I'm awake because of how violently my body trembles, if they will kill me just because they can, with my eyes wide open so they can see as my body becomes empty of whatever it is that fill's it, just because they can.

I don't want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.

The car goes cold, so cold I can feel how the tips of my fingers turn purple, I don't move, I can't. Somewhere safe.

"Dean! Look out!" One of the men screams, the panic so thick in his voice I can feel it pressing against my throat, keeping me from breathing.

Someone's arms wrap around me, where is home?

CRASH.

I know I'm not supposed to be alright but I am, I know someone held me, held me and kept me safe from a car crash that should've at least knocked me out. My head is still spinning, and I find myself upside down, I didn't even feel the car flip but apparently it did, I close my eyes and take a moment to calm down, when I open them again I'm out of the car, safe and without a scratch. The marrow of my bones is cold, the blood my heart keeps on pumping is cold and I feel it under my skin as if it weren’t blood but ice. The air smells of gasoline and I wonder if the car is about to explode like in the movies, if the men will die and I will remain alive and save. But the car doesn’t catch fire and I can’t afford to stay still when the men can get out of the car any minute now, I can’t afford to stay still, not until I’m safe. So I run. I run far and until every step feels like the last one before I collapse, and then a little more, just to make sure. And when I can no longer run, I walk, my soles burn and my legs ache, but I walk.

The thing about cities is that in the night, they only look like cities up close, but from far they look like stars, like fallen constellations that shine and burn.

The thing about having walked all night is that it makes you dizzy and tired, so tired that when you look up and you see spots of light shining through the night, you think of them as stars, not as cities.

I feel like my body is about to fall apart when I finally see that trees no longer surround me, but buildings, and there, in a city big enough for me not to be seen, for me not to be found, I fall, surrounded by concrete. The world has been spinning for what feels like forever and there is finally some sort of stability when my body hits the ground, exhausted, drained.

And maybe I don't notice how my mind shots down because I'm too busy being relieved.

Somewhere safe.

Because I'm too busy drowning in the sweet warm feeling of safety.

Somewhere safe.