frankly, things have changed for the worst.
i am still setting routines i know i will not follow, i am still writing to impress rather than writing to ease. i am still thinking chronically of people who do not give a damn about me. i am crying a little less often than usual, but i am still almost always in a constant state of pretend and suppress. i still have no idea what i am doing.
i guess this is what a new year of life brings to a girl like me. i dont even know how to describe myself at this point. i guess you could say i am withering away; not in the literal sense but in a very hidden, very inconspicuous one. my mother is dying. and i am failing.
but i am smiling. it does not matter of course, but i am doing it. it kind of disgusts me, how i still seek for some sort of recognition while the backdrop of my life bursts in flames. you wont see it in my funny captions or my hilarious words throughout my online personality. you'll see it in the mornings when my mother weeps because of the pain she is in and when i stare for hours at a computer screen with no intention to move my brain and fingers simultaneously to complete simple tasks. my mother says she hates this life when she comes home and i can do nothing but agree with her. because it fucking sucks.
and it sucks that god is who she calls on, who my mother believes in so wholeheartedly. it is heartbreaking to see that she will die believing in such a god that has shown minimal effort in helping her. but i tearfully wish her the best; although she does not believe she will go to heaven.
there is no point to this. no point to me being here at all. i cant express this passionately enough or scream it loud enough in my thoughts for no one to hear or understand: i am better off dead. nonexistent. for dust i was and to dust i shall gracefully return. it simply cannot come fast enough.
and i know that i'm sorry. i know i haven't done much with these little years that were given ti me. i know i grew up speaking before i thought and i know i've lost some friends who care or do not care. i know this. i know this life is nothing short of pathetic and lonely and a failure. this is me stating the obvious. this is me telling the truth.
but at the same time i am hiding things from myself. pushing bigger truths to the back of my mind and walking forward, wanting to leave them there because maybe they'll just disappear. but i know they won't. i know they'll come out eventually and make everything crumble more.
and i do nothing. i do nothing but selfishly yearn for things i know i can't have. nothing but have hope that maybe, just maybe—and then it comes back to me. thankfully.
i feel like any of the people who know i am severely anxious and hopelessly depressed see that before they see anything else. i am only missing the huge ass sign on my forehead that says mentally ill and chronically depressed; proceed with caution. it can't be helped though. this is what it is. i cant help that i anticipate the company of the people who want nothing to do with me. its all in the programming.
this is extremely pessimistic but this is whats on my mind. i just hope the light gets a little brighter before everything really does turn to darkness. i think i'd deserve that.
