Higher / a7x

Suicide Note Pt. One

*Zacky's POV*

It was one week after the funeral. I haven't left my house since, I couldn't. All I did was sit on the couch, surround myself with empty beer bottles and just stare at the photo album I had from ninety-nine.

Brian and James were in all of the pictures. Their eyes were bright and huge smiles were on their faces in every single one of them. There were pictures of us fishing, of us graduating, us playing our first show.

We didn't know we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun. We were living for the moment, not a single worry was in our minds and we lived life to the fullest. We were kids.

But that changed. We became adults. We had to grow up. That illusion of happiness, that mat was pulled from under our feet the day James died. I remember how I was having a normal day, preparing for New Year's and then my life turned upside down in just a few short hours. I still kept Jimmy's coat on the coat rack, right next to the front door where he left it.

But we got over it. We got back up, we started living again. We weren't the same and that was understandable, because a part of us died... But we managed.

This time, I knew we wouldn't be able to get back up. It was impossible. There were five pieces of our puzzle, and two of these pieces were gone. They were gone and we were never gonna be able to have them back.

Time was ticking. For all we knew, Matt, or Johnny, or me, we all could be gone tomorrow. And that would be another piece of the puzzle missing. Time was ticking.

Meaghan walked into the room, her eyes were glued to the ground. She had a phone in hand and I already knew what was going to happen.

She sat next to me on the couch, then extended her hand towards me. I took the phone from her as I nodded my thanks, then I brought it to my ear, "Matt?"

There was silence on the other end. My best friend was most likely shocked, because I knew it was him, just by the way he breathed. After a small pause, he spoke up, "Hey... I wanted to know if it would be okay for Meaghan to drop you off at my house. We need to meet up. Well, we need you in general."

With that, he hung up, not waiting for me to politely decline. I sighed as I gave Meaghan her phone.

My wife put her hand on my knee and gave it a gentle squeeze, "The guys need you, y'know... I think you should go to Matt's house. Right now you need to be together."

I shook my head as I looked at her, "Why? So I see Matt and Johnny, silently crying? So I see that there's one more free spot? Meaghan, you don't understand, we're falling apart and I can't do anything about it."

Meaghan shook her head as she sighed, "I understand completely. Don't let your pain blind you, Zee. I've lost a lot of people too.

"Right now, your brothers need you. Matt told me that it's really important. I'm sure he's expecting from you to be by their side."

I sighed as I closed my eyes. My brain was hurting from all the thoughts in my head. I had to sort them out and decide what exactly was the right thing to do.

After a few moments, I opened my eyes and nodded, "Okay. Let's go."

-

The house was never this quiet. Never this empty. Never this... Hollow.

Usually you would see Brian running around with his nephews, the house was always filled with laughter. With loud, booming voices.

This time, it was quiet. It was awfully quiet. Cash and River weren't in the house, I could tell. Walking through the halls to get to the living room, it hurt to see all of the photos with Brian were either facing down or removed  completely.

I finally walked into the living room. The sight in front of me saddened me for sure. It was... Depressing.

Matt was sitting in the love seat in the corner of the room. He had a beer in hand and an ashtray on his thigh. He had quit smoking or at least he didn't smoke inside, it was obvious that he was tired in so many ways.

Johnny was sitting on the floor, in the corner of the room. He had a beer bottle in his hand and he was slumped down, his gaze towards the ground.

Dan and the Berry brothers were there too. Dan was sitting on the couch. He was leaning to the side and he had his legs pulled up, leaning against the armrest, where he also leaned his elbow. I haven't seen him in a few months and it was definitely awful that I had to see him like this.

The Berry brothers weren't better. Jason was next to Johnny, holding his can of beer in both hands. His lip was quivering and his face was wet, however he was quiet. Matt was sitting on the other side of the couch where Dan sat as well.

Brooks was in the house, I could hear his voice in one of the other rooms, there was another voice but it was way too quiet for me to recognize it. There were other people as well scattered around the house, friends and family. People who knew Brian and Jimmy. People who loved them.

Johnny, Brian's step brother, walked into the room carrying a few beers, along with Brent. Johnny gave me a small smile and I waved, I hadn't seen him in quite some time, same with Brent.

Soon enough everyone that was in the house was in the living room. The feeling of sadness and grief was unbearable. The tension in the room could be cut through with a knife.

Suddenly, McKenna got an idea, I imagined a light bulb above her head. She got up and made her way to the stereo that Matt had in his living room. She connected her phone and not long after, there was familiar melody, followed by vocals that were hard not to recognize from miles away.

"Reverend, reverend, Is this a conspiracy? Crucified for no sins, no revenge beneath me. Lost within my plans for life, it all seems so unreal. I'm a man cut in half in this world, left in my misery."

I always felt incredible sadness, listening to this song. However now I felt huge misery. I felt huge misery, because I felt every single word, in my soul.