Crushed

Foreword by 20 Year Old Sydney

I always like myself more in the summer. I thought maybe it was because my skin was tanner, my hair was wavier, and my freckles more pronounced. But I'm pretty sure all that is counteracted by the pit stains getting darker, the hair getting frizzier, and the thighs rubbing redder. 

Visually the summer has it's pros and cons, but there is a sort of magic that transforms me every year. I say yes more often, I am more creative, I laugh more, I try less and care more. Instead of over-analyzations, the things running through my head are just thoughts. When I pass a mirror, instead of looking at it in disgust, I smile and feel pangs of love for myself. I could never quite figure out what the shift was. Could it be the weather? No, even the sunny beaches of Puerto Rico in mid-January, never feel this good. Could it be the break from school? No, on Spring Break I just turn into a vegetable. So what is it? What is this rejuvenating quality that summer has? 

For me, it is my chance to start fresh, every year. It is a chance to clear myself of every memory or association from the year before, and begin again, scot free. It is a chance to reinvent myself in front of a new group of people, people who didn't remember the time I locked myself in a closet in 4 year old nursery and needed the fire department to get me out. People with whom I could choose the impression I was dying the make. 

The summer of 2013 I found myself. I was this deeply confused, very sad person who needed to be redeemed. All year long I had been waiting for people to notice my pain and see my worth, and that summer I decided to be that person for myself. Summer gave me that courage, and gave me that chance to be the new person I had decided on. Every summer I rediscover myself, but every year it is a slightly altered version of the person I became when I wrote this. 

I could say I know so much more now but I think that would be a lie. All I know is that because of the things I allowed myself to do and the person I allowed myself to be, I learned everything I could ever want to know. Because I let that summer magic plummet me into what I considered then to be mistakes, I had the most incredible experiences of a lifetime. Six summers later and I know that one changed me. I still think of it today, I still learn from it today, and certain parts I still experience today. The people on these pages are my best friends, and I hope they get a chance to become yours too. And these thoughts and stories that brought me comfort and brought me life, will hopefully bring you many laughs, lots of entertainment, and the chance to know that you're not alone. 

Based on a (kinda) True Story