On Living With An Eating Disorder Not Bad Enough For Treatment

I pick at the food on my plate

Not because I'm not hungry

But because I can't stand

To have food in my body

This body

Which was gifted to me

And I have done nothing

But destroy

I stand up and throw away my food

Barely having touched a morsel

But not having the guts

To nourish my guts

I go to bed

And I get on my laptop

And look at pictures of girls half dead

And wish that I could look like them

And dear God why can't I look like them

Why am I such a failure?

I lay in bed

I can't sleep because the hunger pains won't stop

So I get back on my laptop

And watch Netflix until 3 am

Who needs sleep if it means you can be thin?

Around 3 I go back out to the kitchen

My soul screaming from within

Begging me to stop don't do this don't do this don't. Do. this.

I get the spaghettios

And maybe some Honey Combs

And maybe even some pickles for a snack

And maybe some coke to wash it down

And I head back to my room as quiet as a mouse

I eat as fast as I can because I know if I don't I won't go through with it

So I eat and I eat and I eat

And where does it stop

I don't know but I keep eating like a pig feeding

And finally

I stop

I put away the bowls

I go back to my room

And go to bed

With a full stomach

And nothing but shame in my head

And the next day it will just repeat

It never stops

It never ends

I will never be free