What if I stayed ?

Chapter 10

Days pass by, Hayal keeps staring at the window sadly. When it raining she gets out for a walk, without umbrella and walks for miles. Tears are mixed with raindrops, this way no one will notice that she's crying. Every time that's raining she gets out with hope that the rain will extinguishes the fire in her body, in her heart. But every day, every week that passes by it gets worse. One day while she is really in much pain and suffering she takes a blank paper and a pen and starts writing :

" I know I don't deserve to be forgiven, but let's start this letter with how sorry I'm for everything that I said to you that day. I'm sorry Yusuf that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I was so unfair with you. You was here for me in my hardships, in my worst days...And I still blamed you. I drowned everything, I destroyed everything. I wish I could go back on time when you were here next to me. I miss your aroma, your smooth voice, your calming words. I miss seeing my reflection in your eyes, I miss your hugs and your lips. I'm sorry that I breathe, drink and eat, while you're not here beside me.

I'm not asking for forgiveness, even I can't forgive myself. I can't forgive myself that I lost you. It's all my fault, but how can I live now without you ? I would give anything just to have you back...Please know this ! It's so hard to live without you, Yusuf.

I never deserved you, but you mean a lot for me. Even now that we don't talk anymore, I still love you so much. I will always wait for you, even that I know that you'll never come back."

One day while Hayal is walking an old woman asks her for help. She asks Hayal to help her find a place to sit under the shade because she's really tired. She helps her and sits there with her too.

" Thank you for your help. I'm really grateful " says the old woman.

" It wasn't much, you're welcome. "

" What's your name ? "

" Hayal. Yours ? "

" Your name is beautiful, so are you. Mine is Eleanor. "

" Your name is really beautiful. "

" Thank you. My father told me that they gave me this name because it means "light". What's the meaning of your name ? "

" I found out lately the meaning of my name by someone I treasure a lot, he told me that my name means "Dream". That's the meaning of my name. "

" Beautiful meaning. He must be someone that you love really much, I saw the expression of your face when you mentioned his name. " Hayal stays quiet; "My husband got into an accident 1 month ago, he is in coma. I can't believe it, I don't want to...that that handsome and strong man is laying in bed sleeping for a month. I stay beside him, and talk to him, but it hurts so bad not to get even a small sign, a word or a reaction. I miss to hear his voice in the morning and eat breakfast together, and everything we did together. That day before he got in the accident we argued a lot, I said to him that I don't wanna live together with him anymore, but I didn't mean to. I wish I could go back in time and hold his hand and keep him closer to me. Sometimes I ask him " are you still mad at me? Are you that mad at me that you don't want to talk even a word with me or anyone else ? Are you that mad that you don't wanna even open your eyes ? " It hurts so much to see someone you love that way, but still I'm grateful that at least I'm able to see him. So no matter what happened between you and the person you love try to fix the issues between you. Because one day you won't even have a chance. "

Hayal hugs her and says " It is really hard for you, I'm really sorry about what you're going through."

Later when she arrives home, she texts Jimmy to hang out for drinks.

"It has been a while since we went out, lets have a toast for that" says Jimmy. She takes the glass but her hand starts shaking, it hasn't been the first time but she always ignores it. He is worried about her health. When she arrives home, sits on the couch, she takes a heavy breath of despair and takes another blank paper and starts writing:

" You may think of me as pathetic, It's OK... I agree with you. I ruined everything and in the end of the day there is nothing else for me to comfort myself, no matter how much I try not to bother you, I can't... I can't live like you never existed, like you never was here, like you never...

Like we never meet, touched and loved each other. How can I forget the most beautiful moments of my life ? How can I forget when you waited for hours in line to get me the special flavored edition doughnuts that happens once a month, but the line was always so long and I never got the chance to try them. When you came home with the box full of them I became so happy and excited, I didn't know which one to try first from joy. Then we both bitted the same doughnut in the same time, it was kinda childish, but very beautiful and precious moment. I don't know how to explain to myself and how to accept the fact that those moments won't happen again. It hurts really bad, but I'm happy to have you safe in my heart. I'm happy to call you a part of my life, I'm happy that you exist here in my mind, in my heart. I'm happy to call you mine, even that it happened for a short time. I'm so lucky to be loved by you. My dear Yusuf, I love you. "