The Heart Mender

Chapter 29: McDonald's & The Great Witch

"Bieber! Man please don't tell me your girl is in the car.
Man I'm gonna throw in a cherry pie too!
You're gonna need it.
So the usual..
3 cheeseburgers-hold the onions.
1 medium fries- fresh and not too salty.
1 M&M Mcflurry.
2 apple pies.
1 cherry pie.
And a Coke for you.
Anything else man?"

"I think that covers it for now.
Thanks Phil."
As I began to pull the car up to the window, I could feel the heat coming of off my wife in waves.
"So your on a first name basis with Phil?
Is this where you go to talk wife problems?"
She poked me again for added effect.
"Babe, this place has saved my ass too many times to count.
Phil understands.
He says I'm not alone either.
Theirs more of us out there.
This place solves problems babe!"
I rolled my window back down when Phil appeared.
I was about to fist bump him...but he looked at Hails and gave me a "Not today brother" look.
No biggie, I'd probably see him again tomorrow.
He handed me the goods.
I gave him the nod.
We both knew that in less than 2 seconds, I'd be forgiven.
As I drove off, I handed Twinkles her bounty.
With half a cheeseburger in her mouth, she leaned over and kissed my cheek.
Food and Forgiveness.
Man, I should have a blog on being an expecting father!

Hailey's POV:
My defenses against against the dark arts of food bribery are weak.
Those apple pies were everything.
I can't even be mad at Ogre,he's right....Phil is basically keeping my husband alive.
Look, unless you've been pregnant...you just wouldn't get it.
This lil lady in my belly has high jacked my ability to reason.
She only allows me tidbits of sanity, but she requires McDonald's cheeseburgers as ransom.
I'm 7 and a half months pregnant now.
And I have that proverbial "swallowed a beach ball" glow.
Gone are the days of the nymphomaniac mad woman.
Now I just want junk food and reruns of the Baby Story.
Poor Justin walks around like a celibate monk just reminiscing about the days when his dick was overworked.
Now it's just on standby.
He vehemently hates my pregnancy body pillow, he says it's replaced him.
It's true though...that thing is soft in all the right places.
I try to let him cuddle me, but his body heat and hairy legs are a pregnant girls worst nightmare.
I feel bad. I do.
But the pillow is gonna win everytime.
Man, I'm becoming a bitch.
But right now, I'm a happy bitch.
All thanks to Ogre,Phil, and the McDonald's drive thru.

The Lamaze class was under way.
We met our instructor, Cassidy.
You could tell that Justin found her to be a little too new agey.
When she handed him a crystal for meditation, he about lost it.
We were setting up our yoga mats when he whispered,
"Twinkles, what the actual fuck?
I am not about to participate in some crazy ass witch shit.
Cassidy reminds me of that dark haired chick from that witch movie!
You know, the one where those girls all become witches and fuck with all the guys...

"The Craft?"
He nodded his head with a worried look in his eyes.
"Ogre, you need to chill. It's just a crystal.
And I love that movie!"

"Hailey, all I'm saying is that if Casssssssidy starts lighting candles and if I even see a pentagram,
I'mma throw my bible at her!"

"Justin! You did not bring your bible.
Did you?"

"I googled this lady,Hails.
So yeah...it's in my bag.
Just in case."

He was dead serious.
I kid you not.
My husband may or may not attack my Lamaze instructor with a bible.
At this point, my McDonald's high had worn the fuck off.

Justin's POV:
Casssssidy had instructed "The Partners" to sit down on the yoga mats and spread our legs out like a flower opening it's petals as an invitation for our partner to nestle in a safe cocoon.
I couldn't help myself.
I laughed out loud.
Loudly.