Speaking for myself

Beth

—Fuckoff, Janet —I said lighting up the cigarette hanging out of mymouth.

Itwas 9 a.m. at the beginning of summer holidays. I was sitting on apark bench whereas Janet was standing in front of me. People alwaystalk about how hard breakups are, but what they don't tell is howfucking annoying can an ex get when they don't understand that you'renot dating anymore. Maybe it's because Janet was the only one who hasever been like that.

—Comeon. I've heard it's a great film -she said putting her handstogether, like if she was praying to me. Like if I was a fucking God.She might thought I was.

Ifyou have seen us together, the last thing you would've ever thoughtis that we were a couple. Janet is a fucking ray of sunshine, theclosest thing to an unicorn vomit. I'm definitely not. My wardrobedoesn't know what non-black clothes are.

—Yes,I'm sure I'd love to watch a fucking Disney movie -am I always thissarcastic? No, not at all.

Janetwas wearing a brown dress that day. Her favourite colour is rainbow,but because she thought I broke up with her owe to our differences,she decided to copy me. Okay, all brown, but she was wearing aheadband. She looked like a ten years old girl going to the church ona Sunday morningwith her family. She was adorable. And that's why Ifucking loved her.

UntilI didn't. I really don't understand what happened. One day I wasdisgustingly in love with her, and the next day I was fucking deadinside. Except that I didn't tell her that, because that sounds likeI'm a psychopath. I probably am. That's why I told her all thedifferences shit. "You're too cheerful for me. I'm toodepressing for you. We will end breaking up sooner or later, so whywait?". She cried, and it broke my heart, but not as much asrealizing that my stupid brain can let me be in love with the bestthing that've ever happened to me. It took my feelings away, nocontext. Like if I didn't hate myself enough before breaking up thepurest heart ever.

—Thelyon king can be dark —for God's sake.

—Janet.No.

—Youknow what? You're being selfish —she said crossing her arms, like alittle girl. It was like if a puppy tries to be mad —. We couldhave a good time together. All I asking is for you to be my friend.

—Ex'scan't be friends, Janet.

—Yesthey can!

Herpersistenceforcedme to stand up and say something that I didn't want to say.

—Look,I don't want to be your friend.

Iwas face to face with her. I was still smoking, which I know shehates. She was always saying that smoking is a slow way to killmyself. I once joked about speeding it up and she cried for an entirefucking hour begging me to not do anything stupid. I clearly didn'tlisten to her because we split up two weeks later.

—Fine.

Ithought she was going to cry, I thought she was going to beg on herknees for me to be friends with her. What I didn't expect was thatcold answer. I'd never seen her that calm and serious. It creeped thefuck out of me.

Andthen she just left.

Now,three months later, I have to see her face again. I thought highschool couldn't get worse. I was completely wrong.

Myleather jacket always makes me confident, but I'm obviously notwearing leather in fucking September.

—Butif it isn't my favourite lesbo.

—Growthe fuck up, Mike.

—Jeez.Someone's in a good mood.

—Okay,first of all, the word "good" doesn't exist in myvocabulary. Second of all, it's the first fucking day of school. Whatdid you expect?