lost ; frerard

intro: lost

I get lost easily. By lost I mean, lost in a conversation, lost in my thoughts, lost in a whole number of different things but this has been a growing problem ever since my mom introduced me to her friend's son.

He goes by the name of Gerard.

It's very easy to get lost around him.

In his eyes, his words, his drawings, his scent.

I like to describe it as coffee and sleep. Ironic considering those are two things that don't mix. But it suits him.

The messy, unkept look to him.

It's hard not to get lost in his beauty, his raw talent or his majestic voice.

But I can't fall in love with him.

Oh no, I can't.

My mom would hate me.

Let me explain myself.

I was nothing but a simple smudge on the page in the drawing of my mothers life. I was an accident.

So she isn't very fond of things not going her way. 'Her way' including my sexuality.

She caught me with a boy once, the boy left and I was forced to face my mother again.

"Mom, I promise, it was nothing." Silence and the sound of rain hitting the window covered the room. I awaited her response, staring at nothing but the floor, the back of her head and the bottle of scotch in her hand.

"Go to bed, we'll talk about it in the morning."

"But m-"

"Frank. I said go to bed." Her teeth were clenched and her eyes were filled with hatred.

She turned her eyes back towards the still TV screen.

After that I knew she didn't like me hanging out with boys but for some reason Gerard was apparently an exception.

She told me it's because I needed a masculine figure in my life again after my father left but I think she wanted him to somehow help my sexuality.

I thought the worst part of my life was over but it's just getting started.
-

"Did you finish the homework?" A faint nasally voice scared me as I was so sucked into my laptop.

"Yeah, did you?" Conversations with Gerard were short, because sometimes it got too awkward but I tried to keep it going as long as I could.

"Sorta, I really need myself a tutor. All this work is really catching up to me."

"I think you should get more than 3 hours of sleep a night." I pretended to be looking at something on my computer and waited for his response.

"Not all of us are rich enough to afford a comfortable ass bed like yours." He gestured toward the mess of blankets and pillows, I couldn't blame him, you fall asleep within seconds when you sleep on my cloud.

I sighed and looked away. "Excuses" I waved him off.

"You're right, you know I never told anyone this but-" I focused my attention toward him.

"I overthink a lot. And I mean a lot. Say maybe I trip during the day or don't get 100% on a test, it sticks with me." He lent back into his seat. "It's all I ever think about when I'm laying in my dark room and I can't seem to get it off my mind." I could see Gerard staring at the ground the entire time, I could also see the regret in his face as soon as he finished his sentence.

A few seconds of silence passed before I finally spoke up.

"My mom hurt me once." I finally closed my laptop and fiddled with the zipper to my bag. I wasn't ready to tell him the full truth but I wanted him to know that I understood what he meant about overthinking.

"She hurt you?"

"Emotionally, she didn't accept a part of me. A part of me that is very very important in staying true to myself. She hated me for as long as I can remember, I think she still hates me." I huffed out an awkward laugh. "I understand, trust me I understand what it means to have many many sleepless nights because I over thought how I greeted my mom in the morning or how I do on my report cards that I show her. I might be making this more serious than it is but I just don't want you to feel alone, because before I met you I was alone and I don't want you to feel that." I picked up my laptop and shoved in into the small flap in my bag.

"Thank you." was all Gerard could muster out. He went back to doing his work before I heard his voice again. "Do you remember when we first met?"

"I do," the memory couldn't help but make me smile.