Newt x Reader || A13

13 | selfless

Julian sits down next to me; our backs rest against my white twin bed.

For the last three years, we've been hard at work on the project he introduced me to. She likes it, Dr. Paige. It allows for a greater study of the subjects, she says. Julian's a genius, I think.

"Good work today." He says, nudging my elbow with his own.

"Remind me, whose idea was it again?" I swat at him and he laughs.

"Mine, but you've made it your own as well." He says. I smile.

"Well, I do have some good ideas." He looks at me as I speak, and then reaches under my bed to pull out a white package wrapped with discarded blueprint scraps from the lab and a piece of string.

"Speaking of hopefully good ideas," he hands it to me, "happy fifteenth." I stare at him,

"How did you know?" I ask. Birthdates are withheld information here. Julian chuckles.

"Paid one of the workers in records to find your birthday, of course." I smile at him, warmed by the kind gesture.

"Thank you." I say. He gestures towards the package.

"You should open it now." I nod and take the package from him, tearing at the wrapping. From the paper emerges a brown, leather bound book. A journal. The edges are carefully rounded, and it's wrapped in a matching string.

"It's beautiful." I say.

Finally, something for myself rather than the log books I record data in. Julian's kind gesture surprises me in the best way possible. "Really, Julian. Thank you." He nods.

"I just thought it would be nice if we could-" he stops, trailing off as I look at him expectantly.

"What?"

"If we could write to one another." He finishes, obviously forcing the words out as he nudges the book. "In there." I give him a strange look before unwrapping the string. The book falls open, revealing the first page. It's full of writing, all in Julian's black, slightly messy scrawl.

"Am I supposed to read it now?" I ask him.

He meets my eyes, but his flicker away within the second. He nods tersely. My attention turns back to the journal in my lap. I flip open the front cover and begin.

- - -

I close the book. My heart beats in my throat. Julian's watching me; I can see out of the corner of my peripheral vision, and I can feel his gaze on me just the same, but my eyes don't leave the paper before me.

The words dance across the page.

Lies, I tell myself.

But Julian would never lie to me like this.

"Is it true?" I ask, my voice barely a whisper. He doesn't say anything, so I turn to look at him. He's watching me, waiting to gauge my reaction, an expression I've never before seen written across his face.

The subtle pink flowering across his cheeks is confirmation enough.

I feel my own start to warm.

I can't lie to myself; I've thought of him like this too, but I never would have imagined he'd tell me this.

Julian nods slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. He's still searching, searching for a response, but I have no idea how to comply, if I can comply.

"Please say something" he says, his voice as he whispers my name pleading. Soft. Testing. Unsure.

I've known him for three years. Three years, we've worked side by side, every day. In this time, we've known only each other with no exceptions spare Dr. Paige and the other lab staff.

I can only stare at him. He looks down, trying averting his eyes from mine. I don't let him, quickly reaching out and grabbing the side of his face, pulling it back up to face mine.

He keeps his eyes down, the light red intensifying on the tan of his cheek. My lips part and a breath steals from my mouth, blowing strands of his hair away from his eyes.

When we met, he and I were merely children, he with goofy, boyish features, and I, throughout the years we've known each other, blind to what he's just told me.

Now, he's outgrown the boyish face. It's become narrower, his features sharp rather than rounded. His completion has become honed by the blade of science and darkened by the shadows of ambition.

He's devilishly good looking in a fierce, distinct way.

The blush on my face deepens.

"Look at me, Julian." I say, palm warm against his cheek.

He brings his hand up and covers mine on his face, holding it to him as he turns his face into it. He parts his lips, but does not speak.

I stare, conflicted. He stares back now, still searching. I close my eyes, taking a breath, and then I lean in and kiss him.

I'd never imagined Julian and I would end up here; I'd never imagined I'd give him my first, but now, with his lips on mine, I know I wouldn't have it any other way.

I bring my hand up from my waist and wrap it in his black hair, pulling him closer. After a moment's hesitation, he responds, cupping my face gently. His mouth moves on mine in gentle synchronization.

The journal falls from my lap and to the floor as he holds me. His arms tightening around my waist. I lean in closer, eager to be with him, needing to be closer.

Finally, our mouths still.

I pull away.

When my eyes flicker to his face, he's not smiling, rather looking intently at me with a mixed expression between awe and confusion.

"Ava will be so pissed." He finally says. I laugh, glad he hasn't changed a bit.

"Not if she doesn't find out." I say. He chuckles.

"Guess not." I pick up the book and rest my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes. I feel him relax beneath me. Moments later, his head rests atop mine.

We spend the rest of the night talking about mindless things, side by side, as we always have.

- - -

I open my eyes and gasp for air, my head spinning from the glitch.

I didn't just know Julian.

I became involved with him.

Shit.

I lean against a wall of the maze, helpless against the onslaught of impending tears.!

Julian knew. He remembered, but he didn't tell me, leaving me to find out on my own, and leaving him-

What did he feel as soon as I came up in that box- my memories of him, us, completely gone?

As he watched my lips, still marked by our kisses, spell out how I could not even remember my own name?

As he witnessed me fall for one of his best friends, as he felt himself slowly become replaced-

No.

Julian was many things, but he was not replaceable. He is not replaceable.

I suppose I'll have a while to come to terms with that fact now.

My blood pounds in my ears.

Perhaps he withheld our past to protect me, to avoid confrontation so that I didn't feel pressured into-

He was so selfless.

And now he's gone.

I never got to thank him for saving me during those years in the lab.

And never again will I have the chance to.