Jayla (My Story)

shattered

Hylis is a year old and Jax is almost six. Brice had went to work at a night club in Atlanta as a bouncer. I didn't really care for it because he was never home and when he was he was sleeping not to mention the women hanging on him.

On the weekend Jax would go to Mama's house and Hylis would go to Brice's mom's house. Then I would go to the club with him. I'd have to watch the girls flirt and hang on him. Hear him flirt back. Then he'd tell me we are going to be swingers. I don't even think so I'm a one man woman. I got tired of sitting and watching him so I started enjoying myself while he worked. I would sing karaoke and dance and drink rum n coke until it was time to leave. I made friends with all the bartenders, bouncers and the owners. It was like a family there.

Then Brice got to where he was making jokes about selling me to the highest bidder. I didn't like that at all. They'd start shouting amounts and I got even more pissed. One day I had enough and I screamed at all of them I'm not fuckin for sale. He is married to me but he don't fuckin own me therefore he can't fuckin sale me. And I walked out the back door of the club for air.

The owners brother came out to check on me. He was one of my favorite people at the club. We stood out and smoked a joint before going back inside but that was the last time I went to the bar.

Brice would come home from work drunk then he started going to parties in motels after work before coming home. The more time he spent at work the worse he treated me when he came home. He started doing stupid things to scare me making me think he was trying to hurt his self.

One night while I was sleeping he ran a hose from the tail pipe of the car up into the window and left the car running when I got up and looked out I almost lost it. But he was sleeping in the spare bedroom. And one day I was washing dishes he said he was tired of everything and was just going to end it. He went into the bathroom in our bedroom and locked the door. I banged on the door but he wouldn't open it. I went back into the kitchen to get a knife to pry it open but as I turned the corner I heard a gun shot.

I lost it. I hit the floor screaming crying and shaking his brother who was staying with us at the time came running into the house. He came over to me asking what happened I told him and he went and broke the door there was Brice just sitting there. There were several incidence like this until I mentally couldn't take it anymore. I told him I was leaving. He didn't want to lose his kids. I understood that and he was always good with the kids. He was a good dad a great friend but not a good husband.

When I told him I was leaving he pulled his gun and put it to my head and told me he would kill me before he let me go. So of course at the moment I told him I'd stay.

The next weekend Jax went with Hylis to Brice's mom's house. Like I said before he was excepted as Brice's son. Something that is still true today.
Jax came home and turned my whole world up side down. This is apart of my story that I refuse to tell because although it is my story I don't have the right. That right belongs to my son alone. All I'm willing to say is that things happened that should have never happened. If I ever in my life thought I was broken I had no idea the meaning. My life was shattered into pieces. I fell into a darkness that I didn't know existed. I was so hurt. Yet Jax was so strong. He was only six but as I cried and got angry he would hug me and tell me it was OK. I was angry at the world and most of all at myself.

I was his protector and I failed. Then I got angry at God. It was a new feeling to me. I had always depended on him. Now I didn't even want to know him.

As I fell farther and farther into my hole. The only people I wanted around me was my kids. I went to the doctor who put me on Prozac and xanx. I took it everyday but it just didn't take away the anger and hurt that I felt. I found no relief. Drinking didn't help. smoking didn't help.. the pills didn't help. I just wanted it to end. The hurt the pain....life. I was tired of fighting and being strong. Crawling when I couldn't walk anymore. Well I was now at a place I couldn't even drag myself. It times like this I always depended on God but what kind of God was he that he let this happen? I believed it was in his plan that Jona didn't want us. I believed in him when mama had cancer and granny died and uncle Terry died. I believed in him when I was being burnt and beat cheated on and used. I always believed in him I always keep my faith I trusted him. Then he wasn't there.. I couldn't understand I dared someone to tell me it was part of his plan.

It was done over with two years had past. Jax was fine you would never know anything had happened to him unless you were told. But I still wasn't ok. I still took Prozac and popped xanx like it was candy. I still hasn't spoken to God and really didn't even have a want to. The pills put a smile on my face for everyone to see but on the inside their was a storm brewing. One that I had lost control over.

While I fought the battle inside the world went on without me. I was living in my own world and the only people that existed in my world was my kids and I. I can't say my marriage was effected because it was over before the incident. One day Brice had taken a shower and he was still in the bathroom his mother had called and wanted to talk to me. As I was on the phone with his mom he was shaving his arm where his tattoo was and cut himself. As I saw the blood running down his arm I started shaking unable to take my eyes off of it. I handed him the phone unable to form any words and grabbed the toilet paper try to stop the blood. After his arm stopped bleeding I was trying to wash the blood off my hands but it done no good. I scrubbed with soap and water but the blood wouldn't go away. Brice took me by the shoulders and led me into the living room. I could hear him talking but I couldnt make out any of the words.

I dont know how long I sat there before I got up and went to get a shower. I stood in the shower letting the hot water run over me and cried. For the first time in years I called out to God....

God I don't even know how to talk to you right now. I'm hurt. Worse than I've ever been before. I don't know how to overcome this. I can deal with physical pain I can deal with anything that hurts me... Physically mentally or emotionally. But God I can't deal with my kids being hurt and not being able to do anything. I should have seen. I should've known. Somehow but I didnt. I had dreams that Jax had gotten hurt several times but they were always different. I held him close to me only letting him out of my sight with people I knew I could trust to keep him safe. Lord I have fought so hard to keep him safe. Why lord did you let this happen I know its not right to question you but as his mother I need to know. How am I supposed to praise you and worship you after this? I know he's fine and I thank you for that. Kids are amazingly resilient. They just bounce back. But I didn't I don't know how. I can't eat or sleep I don't know how to be happy anymore. I'm broken Lord and im not even sure I still have all the pieces to be fixed I need peace or I need out I am trying so hard not to be defeated I have my babies that need me but lord I am so tired of the fight....

I don't know how long I was in there but sometime the water had ran cold and I was on my knees. I slowly got up turned the water off and got out. I don't know how to explain it but I walked out of that bathroom with a peace that I didn't have when I went in. And I was truly grateful.