Chapters that were read: I and II
Reviewer's note: "David Schmit's younger sister is bullied, what happens when she starts to fall for the new student in her highschool.... JUST FUCKIN READ THE STORY >_>"
LMAO!!!!!! OH yeah...That definitely brought a chuckle out of me. I also get annoyed with all these synopsis and summaries and shit... I just want to write the fucking story LMAO +2(But now to business..._
Grammar: At best, I would have to say that your grammar is 'inconsistent'. In example, one paragraph is fine and then the next is just the direct opposite. I recall more than a couple typos which resulted in misspelled words along with the terrible usage of the coma. Speaking of the latter, what is going on? It's as if you're having an internal struggle with comas where you use them correctly in this specific paragraph and then you experience amnesia and just butcher it.
Another thing is you need to format your dialogue. Your audience needs to know who's speaking without trying too hard. In other words, do the hard work for the audience. Allow them to focus on the story rather than deciphering who's saying what. Imagine watching your favorite show but the volume is so low that you have to really focus in which irritates and tires you and ultimately forces you to stop watching the show.
This http://homeworktips.about.com/od/writingrules/a/Writing-Story-Dialogue.htm should help with that regard.
Last but not least is the sentence complexity. Please make an attempt to USE CONJUNCTIONS MORE OFTEN. <<<<<<That right there will eliminate your issues with comas. As a person that used to(and still do) have issues with comas, Conjunctions will make your sentences flow better. (Don't overdo them and they'll make your sentences complex and unintentionally run off. I'm guilty of said sin.)
Ex. "I unlocked the door, she ran inside , and towards the couch , she jumped on the couch,and layed down her side."
I unlocked the door which allowed her to run inside where she jumped on the couch and lay down on her side. 12/25
Fluidity: It's hard to judge this early on from what I've read but the fluidity is there. The characters that are introduced so far seem to be in sync. There are no cliches just tropes(Which is good). Characters seems to flow...Nothing out of the ordinary but this is to be continued. 25/25
Overall: I'm not a lovey-dovey type of reader but I sense the potential in this. Despite the 'inconsistent' grammar, this story has ways to go. The plot is fine. No major holes or contradictions. Word of advice is that you should attempt to capture the emotion of a particular seen. I.E, don't just say Cassie is scared and is shaking. Give us a look into her thoughts...her senses...etc. For this particular story, emotion will probably be your hit or miss missile(pun???Alliteraception??) You have two likeable protagonists(Cassie and Thomas), an antagonist(bullies) and tension(between Thomas and what's-his-face) which are great ingredients along with emotion, which i mention earlier, that makes this a potentially delicious story that readers like myself can't wait to gobble. 35/50
Cons: SEE GRAMMAR
TOTAL RATING: 74/100
Percentage: 74.00%
Average of all books: 80.50%
