The Oldest Tale Ever Tale

The Oldest Tale Ever Told I

Our tale begins in the deep forests of Endor as we see a struggling poet contemplating suicide.
"Once upon a midnight dreary as I threw up weak and weary!" Shouted Poe,"How will I ever become a writer! I only speak what's true and yet no one loves me!" Suddenly there was a deep rustling in the pit of the forest Poe's keen eyes have not been able to see because of his rampage alcoholism and keen to rustling in the bushes role-play, it you catch my drift. Poe continues to descent into the moons trees as a beautiful, suggestive princess steps out behind from a tree.
"Poe, I have something for you". Whispered the princess. Poe stumbles back in amazement. It's Princess Leia he thought. For Poe has spent many lonely nights in the universe and he has dedicated himself on the memorization of every princess he could study. Poe starts to drizzle out every fact he can remember about Lady Organa and when she touches Poe his literal essence is drained onto the floor as she delivers her message. "Edgar, something is coming, something awful and must be stopped; you will be the one to stop it."
Poe looked frantically around and thought he saw something approach him, so he rubbed his eyes and took another swig of scotch from his jacket. It was Stephanie Meyer! "Quickly." Leia said, "All the bad writers of time are coming after you Poe! Save the literacon and make sure to add me to your will if you die!" Just like that Princess Leia disappeared in a flash of red and orange light just like a Phoenix. Poe didn't know what to think, so much information coming at him in so little time. The Literacon? What was that? Poe tried to think for himself. Stephenaie Meyer approaches Poe with her usual ostrich like features and pulls out a copy of twilight from presumably her anal cavity. "You wanna take a look"? She says with a formation of a creepy grin. "NEVER"! Shouted Poe as he smashed his bottle of scotch across her head. Poe never carried any alcohol under 100 proof. Poe's rage accelerated from such an understanding of  non and fire came busting through his lungs setting the author on fire. "WAHHABI"! Screamed Stephanie. "I haven't been in this much pain since New Moon"! Poe was utterly astonished at his amazing feats, and decided to finish the job. Poe proceed to work with a local Ewok village to crucify Stephanie Meyer for all eternity. A simple spell but quite effective, an Ewok witch doctor gave Poe a serum to make Stephanie live forever, even in Crucifixion. The last nail went inside the right hand of Meyer as she gave a child killing scream from her throat. Poe looked at Meyer with death in his eyes and said, "Before I give you the serum, where is the literacon?" Meyer shot up in a flash and screamed, "You'll never find it out of meeee"! Poe shoved his fingers down his throat and threw up on Meyer, for she was still on fire; and there was a lot of scotch in him! Meyer finally started talking after applying little traces of the serum to Meyers throat. Her body only grew in more flames as the pain engulfs her body only to sit there for eternity. "You messed with Poe, Poe messes with you". Poe quickly turns around in need of a better catch phrase. He musters his spirtual enlightenment and turns around to the burning corpse that is Stephanie Meyer. "Where and What is the literacon? If you answer me, I will let you go". Poe got out, slowly opening his eyes. "Promise?!"? Shrieked the burning author on the stake. Poe shakes his head up and down as Meyer begins to talk. "I visited the Literacon once, it's an ancient piece of literature, so grand that is doesn't materially exist, it's on another plain of reality". Poe being a more acclaimed and better writer than Meyer, at least that's what he thought, never heard of this before and was completely curious. Meyers continued at the stake, "It can be used as a dangerous weapon, and the perfect cure for the dying universe." Poe has heard enough and only needed one more piece of vital information. "Where did you visit this Literacon?" Meyer's body began to throw up on the cross. Poe gave her more Serum and then took a swig himself. "It's located at the very heart of the universe. But you need the key to get there, different tolls for different trolls. That is my final message. So will you help me down." Poe spat on Meyer's face the remaining serum and started to sprint away. Poe needed a recap in his mind, he was on an alien planet, and encountered a strange race of teddy bears and an author of vampire porn. I'm descending into a deeper madness than from which I have been placed before. Poe ran and ran back until he found the blue box that brought him to which he stood. The Doctor stood behind Poe as his smile slowly began to grow again. "Ready?" He asks, adjusting his bowtie. Poe steps into the TARDIS. "YUP"! Poe runs for the pannel and begins to go nuts.