Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 14

I've started to feel a bit better again. Getting out of bed and connecting with the outside world has become easier. I still get sad and sometimes a little mad but I'm getting stronger.

I'm now twenty weeks along in my pregnancy and today I'm going for an ultrasound to find out the gender of the baby. I'm excited but I wish he was here. Cameron would have been so excited too.

I arrive at my ultrasound appointment and while I'm sitting in the waiting room I read through an old issue of Rolling Stone magazine.

My name is called ten minutes later. I exchange greetings with the female ultrasound technician. I lay down on the bed and pull up my t-shirt to show my continually growing baby bump.

The technician squeezes the cool ultrasound gel onto my lower stomach.

"Oh that's cold." I wince.

There my baby is on the screen. The technician does all the measurements and checks the heartbeat. I cannot get over hearing my baby's heartbeat, it's the most incredible thing I've ever heard.

"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?" She asks.

"Ah yes please." I reply.

"Do you want me to write it down and put it in an envelope for a gender reveal?"

"No just tell me. I'm not having a gender reveal party or anything." I respond.

"Okay well... you're going to have a baby girl." She reveals.

"Oh wow. A baby girl." I always wanted a baby girl growing up.

She takes some pictures for me and I clean the gel off my belly and I head home.

My girl.

Our girl.

A daughter.

Our daughter.

Cameron would have been an amazing dad. If he was here he would have loved her and doted on her. Played dress up and tea parties with her. I miss him and it makes me sad that our daughter will never meet her father. So much of life he will never get to experience.

I get home and I call Libby to let her know the news. I have to go into work this afternoon for a board meeting, so I quickly eat lunch and get dressed for work.

I look in the mirror and turn to the side and put my hands on my bump as I feel her move in there. I close my eyes for a moment...

Cameron stands behind me and wraps his arms around me and places his hand on my belly feeling our daughter move. He rests his head on my shoulder as I feel the comfort and warmth of his embrace. Neither of us say a word, just being together and taking in this precious moment is enough.

I wish he was here. I wish he got to feel our baby girl kick and move around. But its just me... I miss him so much.

I finish getting ready for work and I go to the meeting. We're organising our first major public event for the foundation. Sometimes its difficult to sit in a room and listen to people talk about Cameron and what he "would have wanted". Sometimes I just want to scream that he's not here and that there is every chance that we're getting this all completely wrong.

This is why people who were close to him are on the board of the foundation. But it can still be hard sometimes.

After the meeting I go home and eat dinner I sit on the couch looking through my photo albums. I miss seeing his face so much.

I still love Cameron. I don't think I'll ever stop. I still cry for him and what we had and the future we won't get to experience. I still reach for him and ache for him. I will forever hold on to our memories and pull them out on rainy days to remember the feeling of loving him and being loved by him.

My life changed in an instant and I've been holding on to what was and what never will be.

***
A/N: sorry I didn't update yesterday. I was just really tired and couldn't get creative.

How are you liking the story?

I'll try and get another chapter up later today or early tomorrow.