*Welcome to "Random thoughts with EJ", episode two. Now for our host... EJ!*
Okay, so there was this guy, I'm just gonna call him Cal, for all intensive purposes because Cal is one of my actual book characters. So anyway. I met Cal in a class I hated, right? He hated the class too and we didn't actually talk to each other or anything until the last 3ish months of the school year, and in that time we got really close. I was kinda seeing another guy, and he was dating this other girl so that was chill.
Then I broke things off with the one guy because I realized that I had a stronger connection to Cal (even though I didn't even think about dating him because he had a girlfriend of a year and I'm not a purposeful homewrecker) and I realized I needed that kinda connection if I was gonna date a guy.
Soon his girl broke up with him because she thought he was cheating on her with me (hell nah, I didn't even have romantic feelings for this guy yet), and he looked to me for support so we kinda bonded more over that because idk he was sad and I wanted to make him not sad I guess.
After like a week or two of playing Xbox and stuff together and FaceTiming to do homework, ya know, he starts asking if I like him. Of course, me being the wimp I am, I always replied, "AHAHAHAHAh-- What do you-- PSHHHHH-- I don't-- We're just friends... I only think of you as a friend!" But he saw right through my bullshit lol
And at this point, he kept telling me to open up to him, saying shit like "I don't know what you want unless you tell me" and "you gotta tell me what's wrong"
Then school ended and we started hanging out outside of school, doing normal teenager stuff, like going to a secluded place and just hardcore cuddling for hours on end. It was pretty great, not gonna lie, but my parents didn't trust this guy because he's like three years older than me, so we only got to cuddle once because after that we were supposed to stay in "public places with people around." Anyway, I was REALLY crushing on him at this point, and he was into me too.
After that, we would text all day every day. Like, even when he was at work, he'd be texting me, and even one time he was late getting back from his lunch break because he wanted to hang out with me (we weren't even alone, my two girl friends were there too, but he just wanted to be with me). He would always tease me about how much of a wimp I was for not kissing him first, but after I told him to do it if he wanted to kiss me so bad and he agreed.
I mean, we never got the chance to because of what happened next, but I found that sweet anyway.
He told me he loved me. I was freaking out and stuff because wOAh ANxieTy aNd trUST IssUeS, but he was super smooth throughout the whole thing and was hella understanding. So two weeks later I told him I loved him too. It wasn't really a great time because he was arguing with his parent or something was up at work or something, so he was pretty snippy about saying it was important when apparently he didn't find it that important, so that hurt, and I cried jusst a bit that night.
Later on we hung out again, with all my friends though, so we couldn't cuddle or kiss or anything, but he was acting all sweet on me, and looked at me like I was his world, the whole shabang. At this point, I was hardcore in love with him, right? Like, madly, deeply, entirely in love with this guy.
He started getting distant right about here.
Sometime way before all this, I got bored, so I asked him to send a pic of something I could draw, and he sent some corny ass love and support meme and I refused to draw it because I thought it'd be too hard. But I LOVE THIS MAN, right? So after he's had a really rough day at work and didn't talk to me all day, I decide to stay up from 11pm to 3am to draw him this fucking picture because it was almost his birthday and I love him and stuff, and we had plans to go on a date two days before his birthday. I finished it, and sprayed it with some vanilla perfume I bought JUST because he said he loved vanilla. I wrote this sweet af note on the back saying happy birthday and stuff, and I love you so much, etc.
The next day, well, the next night after I'd texted him good morning and stuff like I always do, he texted me and said "yea I got kicked out of my house and had to move in with my friend (a girl) and I won't have time to visit you because I have to work a lot, and finish school online," so I just started crying and got a lil bit desperate, asking if he could try and make time, asking about our date, just begging him to at least spend some time with me one more time, but he said he couldn't do it, he wouldn't even be coming back to my school next year.
So I legit cried for four nights straight over this man who I loved, and who assured my anxious anxious and untrusting ass that he loved me too, and I had this drawing that just made me cry even to think about because I made it just for him.
Like two days later he texted me saying he was driving to a different state and didn't know how long he'd be gone. Last text I got from him was "idk tbh" after I asked when he thought he'd get back. I was lowkey pissed.
Then after a few days of only texting me one word replies (if any at all), he left me on read for an entire day, and then blocked me on EVERYTHING (except Facebook but who uses Facebook, and he probably just forgot anyway). I was with my friends when this happened too, so I immediately felt SO SICK to my stomach because this guy I loved just shut me out completely with no warning, now "talking and communication" as he'd always tell me was key, NOTHING.
After I got home (because it was a sleepover) I just cried for the longest time, a few days, actually. I just kept looking through our old texts (a lot were lost due to him blocking me on Instagram), and it all just hurt so bad. Then the night after we were supposed to have our date, my parents saw him with another girl at the store in my town. The town he sAID HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO VISIT ANYMORE BECAUSE HE'D BE "TOO BUSY." So when my parents told me that I just felt really sick, I didn't eat for a while because I still loved him, and the next morning (at 12am, because I FUCKING LOVED HIM) I sent him the snippiest text happy birthday through Facebook. It was:
"Happy birthday, bud. Glad to know you got back to *my town name* safe." And he knew I was pissed because I only ever used periods when texting him when I was either really pissed off or I had a lot of stuff to say and din't want to quadruple text him or something. Then at like 11pm on his birthday he only said "thanks." That's it. I was hella pissed so I just spitefully left him on read then started posting a bunch of stuff about how I used to love a guy, and how I used to miss him, and men ain't shit kinda stuff (men are cool tho, and pretty hot, not hating on men here). That's where I left it tho.
I'm not sure if I still love him or not tho and sometimes I want to friend him on Snapchat or something because I didn't have Sc until recently so he couldn't have blocked me on it, but I'm also pissed at him, but I also still kinda love him.
Damn this was long, but I needed to get that out really bad, and I don't want to contact him, but I still might because I kinda really love him still, so anyway bye.
Thanks for listening to my TED talk.
(Also if anyone wants to see the pic I drew for him I can post it, I just might cry a little bit while taking the pic)
*the end of this episode of Random Thoughts With EJ*
