𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐗 ━━ 𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐤 𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐝

twenty three | scared

"I don't think a scratch justifies absence from work." I squint my eyes at the two before walking out of the hospital.

In the same position as this morning, Izzie stares up at the building, her arms crossed over her chest and words of self-encouragement leaving her parted mouth.

"Hey, Izzie." Meredith's the first to greet her. "You done with the chief?"

"Not yet." She replies.

"Are you alright?" Teeth sink into my bottom lip in concern.

Izzie nods. "I'm fine. What are you guys doing?"

"Lev's regretting transferring to Seattle, Mer's figuring out how to break it off with McVet, and I'm trying to get Burke out of the bell jar."

"Accurate depiction of us, honestly."

"I've got a lunch date with Finn."

"And I've got lunch with. . .myself."

Upstairs in the cafeteria, Meredith and Finn enjoy a fun date at the table across from George, Alex, and Cristina — who enjoy mocking the couple.

But with one miniscule action, their attention draws to me.

Derek invites himself to my table and sits across from me, a cup of coffee in his hands and a gratified grin on his face.

I barely look up from my copy of These Violent Delights.

"You, me, and a corpus callosotomy."

"Kissing up to me isn't going to help you in any case."

"Who said anything about kissing you?"

"I. . ." My head shakes in disbelief, and I finally set aside my book. "Don't make me regret considering your offer."

"So you're considering?"

"What do you think I've been doing for the past week and a half?"

He reaches a hand to the book and reads the front cover for himself. "These Violent Delights. What is it about?"

"It's a retelling of Romeo and Juliet." I grab it back from him. "But I think it's much more. . .prevalent."

"Do you want to scrub in?"

"I'm on scut. Sorry."

Meredith and I sit up in the gallery of the O.R., a clear view of Cristina and Derek working on the patient.

"You said no to scrubbing in to watch him cut a man's brain in half?"

"He was only inviting me so I'd make my decision sooner."

"But you said no?"

"Yes, I said no, Mer."

Her head rests against the edge of my lap, flipping through a medical journal. I go to check the time on my watch but sigh in remembrance.

"Meredith, did you —"

"I checked the dress at least ten times. There wasn't a wristwatch."

"It's the last thing I had of my mother." My fingers graze the empty space. "God, I barely even remember her, and I shouldn't even want to."

"She left when you were five, right?" Her voice grows soft in sympathy. "Guess we have that and dying parents in common."

"God, I wish I could make up my mind."

"What's stopping you from saying yes?" Her head tilts back to look at me. "It's clear you want to be with him as much as he wants to be with you."

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of what happens next."

That night, I walk Scar at the nearby trail with my dad. He and I sit at a bench while taking turns throwing a ball for him to catch.

"Derek's still visiting you, isn't he?"

"Yes, he is." He props his elbows behind him. "To be honest, though, I prefer your presence over his any day."

"Dad, I have to tell you something."

"Go on, then, Levie."

"I. . ." My throat constricts. "Derek said he loves me."

"And you love him back." He assumes.

An exasperated sigh leaves my lips. "Everyone keeps saying that to me." Few tears escape my eyes. "And most of me believes I love him, too."

"But?"

"With all of the problems I have — mentally and physically — he's going to leave me."

"How do you know?"

For the first time since our conversation began, I stay silent.

"How would you know if you won't give him a chance?"