Souncheck went as usual, as well did the meet and greet - thankfully no familiar faces. When I joined Linkin Park and moved away from Arizona - from Charlie - for good, I hadn't even thought about him appearing at my shows. He still hasn't to this day, but it always makes me on edge when we play in Arizona. I suppose it was the downside to being a successful musician, you still can't hide. Charlie was older now though, so he has probably forgotten about me and moved on, hopefully not to a new victim.
Mike was trying to stay close to me while we waited for the show to start, but he was in charge of a lot, being a workaholic, so he was being pulled every which way. Brad, having been Mike's friend the longest of us all, tried helping him the best he could - leaving Phoenix, Joe, Rob, and I unattended. In our early LP days, the four of us became prank masterminds and would constantly fuck with everyone while we were waiting. Slightly less immature now, Phoenix and Joe would play video games on their Switch and Rob would read a book, I'd normally be by myself.
Joe and Phoenix took off to lounge while they play their games, but Rob stuck behind with me. After our talk, I wasn't shocked by his choice, but I was surprised he'd rather sit with me than read his book. He just sparked a small conversation and kept talking with me. Mike passed by with some band equipment and threw me a smile, which I returned. I seriously appreciate him and Rob for trying to help me.
Eventually, the show was about to begin and I was getting jitters. I couldn't help the paranoid thoughts that Charlie would be there. I wasn't ready to go through the same thing at tomorrow's show. Mike tried to reassure me, it helped a little.
The crowd was big tonight, we sold out both Arizona shows. Tomorrow we'd be accompanied by other bands, but it was just us and an opening band tonight, who had just finished their performance. We came in and I couldn't help feeling better as the crowd cheered for us, some calling out my name specifically - I felt I didn't deserve such praise, but the fans always made it clear they believed I did.
We open up the show and it goes normally, the setlist is as planned and everyone seems to be having a good time. I'm forgetting about my problems on stage until I see someone in the crowd. My heart drops, but I force myself to continue the song. As soon as it's over, I go straight to Mike. I'm somewhat fuming, growing angry as my anxiety kicks back in full force. I ask him to play Qwerty.
"We hardly ever play Underground songs at shows, are you sure?" He asks, clearly confused by my request. I nod and he shrugs his shoulders, gathering the guys together to tell them my plan. Since Charlie is here, I might as well express how I feel. We make eye contact throughout the song, but he doesn't seem phased.
Your lies!
Yeah
I didn't think that I had a debt to pay
'Til they came to take all I had left away
You said you wouldn't put me to the test today
But I remember you saying that yesterday
There was a time when your mind wasn't out of control
Every memory and confession pouring out of your soul
Like a pill you couldn't swallow and it swallowed you whole
Another lie hard to follow 'til it followed you home and like that
Broken down
A victim of your lies
You hide behind lies
You don't know why
You crossed the line
Wrapped up inside your lies
You hide behind lies
You're lost inside that cold disguise
Behind your lies
I hoped the chorus of the song would at least make Charlie feel awkward, but I swore he smiled. I was starting to feel like this wasn't a good idea, I shouldn't have lashed out like this, but I still wanted him to feel guilty for all the pain he caused me. The fact that my words didn't reach him the way I wanted them too brought down my confidence and raised my depression and hopelessness.
I don't know what I thought I might say
Seems like we never were taught the right way
Every other minute I fought for my place
And drop what I made and thought you might stay so
I'm guessing that you probably know
When your inside's hollow then you ought to be cold
Like a pill I couldn't swallow and it swallowed me whole
Another lie hard to follow, 'til it followed me home and like that
Broken down
A victim of your lies
You hide behind lies
You don't know why
You crossed the line
Wrapped up inside your lies
You hide behind lies
You're lost inside that cold disguise
Behind your lies
You're faking, you're mistaken
If you think that you could climb out of this hole
Forsaken, what we take when
All our lies have all the power of control
Broken down
A victim of your lies
You hide behind lies
You don't know why
You hide behind lies
You don't know why
You hide behind lies
You don't know why
You hide behind
Wrapped up inside your lies
You hide behind lies
You don't know why
You crossed the line
Wrapped up inside your lies
You hide behind lies
You're lost inside that cold disguise
Behind your lies
I hoped the strong ending and screaming would show Charlie how mad I was at him, hoped the words reached him. He didn't care, I don't know why I expected him to, he never cared about the way I felt. Seeing that my actions did nothing to falter him inspired another underground song I wanted to play.
Mike was curious about the devastated look on my face, but I didn't give him a chance to ask as I requested another song. His eyes lit up in recognition as I mentioned the song and he immediately asked if Charlie was here. I just shrug, not wanting to answer his questions. He tells the other and we prepare for the next song - Pretend to Be. Fans seem excited about the underground songs, so I get a little bit of my confidence back as the song starts.
You say that you're proud of me
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
And you take something out of me
So predictable
Why do I have to see this through?
Why do I have to take this?
Isn't there something I can do
To make myself finally say this?
No
You've taken this too far
Exposing who you are
For all to see
You're not the one that you pretend to be
You start with apologies
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
Then take another shot at me
So predictable
Why do I have to see this through?
Why do I have to take this?
Isn't there something I can do
To make myself finally say this?
No
You've taken this too far
Exposing who you are
For all to see
You're not the one that you pretend this
No
You've taken this too far
Exposing who you are
For all to see
You're not the one that you pretend to be
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah
No
You've taken this too far
Exposing who you are
For all to see
You're not the one that you pretend this
No
You've taken this too far
Exposing who you are
For all to see
You're not the one that you pretend to be
YOU ARE READING
Purified - Bennoda
FanfictionChester is clearly reliving his past through his nightmares, but is unwilling to open up to the rest of the band. Uncomfortable and confused, he's unaware of the hurt he's bringing to himself. His heart and soul feels lost, it's up to someone to bri...
