After All

Closure isn't What I Need

Marron pouted. "Can I ask you questions? With 'S'." She stressed. 

Bahagyang tumawa ako at tumango. Itinabi ko ang mga kubyertos ko dahil tapos na akong kumain. Sabaw lang naman ang hinigop ko. Hindi muna ako kakain ng karne. Napapadami kasi ang inom ko nitong mga nakaraang araw kaya hinay-hinay muna ako sa pagkain. 

"Si Lisanna ang last girlfriend mo?" 

Nagulat ako sa tanong ni Marron. Hindi ko inaasahan na ganito ang itatanong n'ya. 

I tasted something bitter in my mouth. Ganito na kagaan ang lahat sa kanya. Wala na lang talaga ang nakaraan namin sa kanya. Her relationship with me was just a memory to her. 

I did my best to hide my pain. I smiled at her like I was doing earlier. 

"Yes." Kaswal na sagot ko sa tanong n'ya. 

"Bakit kayo nag-break?" She asked like a reporter. 

I chuckled. "She's going to study abroad. She have to concentrate on that." 

Itinabi na ni Marron ang kinakain n'ya at itinutok na sa akin ang buong atensyon n'ya. "You have every means to follow her. 'Di ba 'di ka na masyadong busy ngayon. Puwede ka nang sumama sa kanya kung saan."

I shrugged. "We're not meant to be. She got tired of waiting for me."

Kumunot ang noo ni Marron. "Waiting for what?" 

I dropped my facade. I sighed then I looked at Marron straight in the eyes. "You sure you wanna hear it?" 

Natigilan si Marron pero maya-maya ay tumango naman s'ya. 

I licked my lip then I took a deep breath. "She got tired of waiting for me to move on from you. And I was honest with her that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over my love for you. Alam namin pareho na kung kami man ang magkakatuluyan, hindi ko ka n'ya mapapalitan kahit kailan sa buong sistema ko. Because until this day, loving you is still life for me." I smiled gently at her. "Kahit may iba ka na. Kahit hindi na ako 'yong mahal mo." 

Marron dropped her jaw. 

I chuckled. "Love, don't look so surprised. Every knows. That it's still you that I love." 

"Y-You're avoiding me." She uttered. Na para bang mapapasinungalingan n'on ang lahat ng sinabi ko. "Sa party kagabi." 

"Tanggap ko na may Frigate ka na, Marron. Pero hindi dahil tanggap ko, ay hindi na masakit. If I didn't avoid you last night, I might pull you away from him. Dahil sa totoo lang, Marron, gustong-gusto ko na ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko sa'yo. Gusto ko nang magmakaawa sa'yo na ako na lang ulit ang mahalin mo. Gusto kong ipangako sa'yo na buong-buo na ako ngayon. Kaya na kitang mahalin sa paraang gusto ko, at sa paraang karapat-dapat sa'yo." I bit my bottom lip. "Pero ayoko na mahirapan ka. You love him, and I don't want to put you in a difficult situation." 

I looked away. Why do I have to confess to her? 

"Halika na." Seryosong deklara ni Marron matapos ang ilang sandaling katahimikan. I can feel the weight of her stare at me.

I nodded then I went out first. Lumakad ako pabalik sa motor na hiniram namin sa resort. Lubak-lubak ang kalsada at maputik and daan papunta dito sa kainan kaya iniwan namin ang kotse ko at humiram na lang ng motor. 

Kapwa kami naging tahimik pabalik sa resort. Nang makabalik kami ang nagdesisyon ako na kumuha na ng kwarto. 

"We don't know where they are. I'll stay the night here. Ikaw?" I asked in a serious tone. 

Kanina lang ay masaya pa kaming nagkukuwentuhan. Nakakalungkot na ganito na kami ngayon. Nakakalungkot na itong nararamdaman ko ay hadlang sa kahit pagkakaibigan na lang sana namin. 

"Dito na lang din muna." 

I walked towards the reception desk. "Two rooms." 

The receptionist typed on her computer after staring at me for a while. "Sorry, sir. We only have one room available. Fully booked po kasi kami ngayon, may isang nag-back out lang ng reservation." 

I looked at the woman beside me. "You can take the room. I'll find another hotel." 

Marron shook her head. "We'll get that room." She said on the receptionist then she looked at me. "It's fine. Baka matawagan na din naman natin sila mamaya. I won't stay." 

I nodded then I gave the receptionist my card. After filling out the details, we went to the room. It was a deluxe room with a queen size bed. I think I'll be staying here for some time. I don't think I can participate on the HHF celebration after what I sadi to Marron. It will be awkward for her. 

"Trey." Marron called after I settled my things on the cabinet. She's seated at the edge of the bed. "Let's talk."

I turned to her. I forced out a smile. "Just forget about what I said."

"No, Trey." Mariing sabi ni Marron at sa tumayo para harapin ako nang mas maayos. "You need closure." 

I sarcastically laughed. "I don't need fucking closure, Marron." I said in a serious manner. "What I need is for you to come back to me. Kaya mo ba 'yon?" Hamon ko sa kanya. 

Marron gave me a shocked expression. Ano naman ang nakakagulat d'on? Hindi ba halata na mahal na mahal ko pa din s'ya? Ano naman ang nakakagulat na mahal ko pa din s'ya at gusto ko pa din na kaming dalawa? Nananalaytay na nga ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya dito sa buong sistema ko. 

I bowed my head. "Patayin mo na lang ako kaysa sabihin sa akin na h'wag na kitang mahalin." 

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12 August 2019 - 16:58