Depression

Story of you

Eyes closed mumbling song "If I love you was a promise. Would you break it if you were honest? Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before, I don't wanna be you anymore".  The mind is messed up with lots of thoughts. Pillow is warm cause of my deep warm sighs. Trying to cry but I'm failing. Took my phone checked it "3:00 am" showing. Took a sigh. Closed my eye, still trying to cry, trying to let out everything. But it's like it doesn't want to be out. It wants to give me pain. The pain which I'm tired of suffering. Tired of everything.  Tired of this world, the peoples, the judgments, the bullies, the lies, the truths. Tired of living, surviving in this bulls*** world. I want to feel. Want to feel alive. It's like being dead inside but living outside just like a zombie. I want to cry but it's like all the water end from my eye.

AFTER THREE HOUR

~Alarm ringing~

Eyes opened. "6:30 am" showing. Got up from the bed. Went to the bathroom. Washing face. Looking in the mirror. Messed up hair. Ugly face. Bulls*** eyes. Disgusting figure. LOL, I'm total "LOL".  Suddenly noticed all the stitches in my hand.  The marks didn't go yet. Took the concealer and hide those. Dressed up. Combed hair. Wear clothes. Took a deep breath. Put a smile on my face and went outside of my room. Oh well~ I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Aalin. A 15-year-old depressed teenager. Who hope to live and fed up to live. Fed up of acting. Well, I love to sing and art stuffs. In my family, there is a super busy mum and me. Thinking my father is dead? Oh no~ He is alive. He is happy with his another wife and his kids. My mom works in a bank. She is super busy. She totally has no time to talk to me not even about important stuff. Well, it's not her fault. She does this so that we can survive. I had a best friend. Yeah "Had". Well, she didn't cheat on me or anything. It's just we transferred. And my new school is "Bullsh**".  No friends. I used to have a lot of friends and now I have no one. Well, we are still connected but still. It sucks! Well, my life sucks! There are always some students who are like "Oh look~ THE BOLD NERD IS HERE". "She is so ugly". "EWW~ How she lives with this face". "She should hide her face with makeup. She looks gross". "She has no style, no choice. Her style is just like her face".  ETC, ETC, ETC. And I?!  Pass-through from all this. I sign in Instagram. Posted edited pictures. Using filters and beauty cam. Comments were like "You are so gorgeous". "Perfect". "Cute" etc etc. One day a boy knocked me. We talked only for 2 days. On the internet of course.  One day he proposed to me. I was kinda shocked. That how can he fall in love with me who didn't even talk 2 days properly. He even didn't see me. He saw the fake me. After proposing I told him everything that that's not the real me. You even don't know me properly and stuff. So, he asks for a real picture of mine. With no filter and editing. I gave him and it was my biggest mistake. He didn't reply. I don't know why but I deleted that photo but I didn't know he already saved that. He trolled it all over social media. Made memes with that, made funny jokes with that. After that incident, I deactivated my account. You are thinking that I'm sad because of this but I'm not. I'm sad about my life. Sad about the peoples. They will bully you if you do makeup. They will bully you if you don't do makeup. They will bully you if you act fake you. They will bully you if you are the real you. 

My life is sad. I also want to end up my life maybe like you want to.  But look for hopes to live. I used to have some awesome crazy friends but they are not with me now but we still love each other. They care for me. I live for them. I live for my mom.  Her husband left her when her only girl was only 5 years old. I don't remember him that much. But she suffered a lot. She is also in depression. But she lives for me. She loves me but fails to show that. You also have at least someone who wants you to survive, live for them. They may fail to show that they care but they really love you. You are very important to them. And don't think you are not pretty. You are pretty how you are. Don't let others control your life.  Just don't listen to them. Listen to yourself. Believe you that you are beautiful. Humans are the best creature god made. And always remember that your creator loves you. He is just testing you. Just keep patience. Everything will be alright. I know this is super lame advice. But everything will be fine one day.  And to others, If you know someone who is in depression. Support them. Care for them. Tell them to believe you. Love them. Make them realize that Suicide is not the answer. Tell them you are there too. Please, help them to survive before it's too late. And to all the bullies, maybe you, yourself don't know that you are a bully. Maybe you think to be straight is a good thing. Well, Yes it is. But not always. Just think how you feel if you were in my place?! Maybe a new girl/boy in your school came. Maybe he is ugly or anything of him/her is funny just don't criticize them.  Be nice to everyone. Change your view to see things. Search the beauty of people. Trust every single person is beautiful in away. Like, maybe their voice is cute/beautiful. Maybe their smile is beautiful, or the eye is beautiful. Maybe their face structure is beautiful. Maybe they are so nice person. They are honest. Etc etc. Search their beauty. Not their lackness.  This story is not about heme. It's about you, the teenagers in this world.  

#iamsheretoo