My Journey

my first pride (yes it's late)

A/n hey guys I have been preoccupied for a while with a bunch of different things but I'm now able to write about my first pride every

The night before the pride in my area was pretty hectic for me. A group of friends desired to have a sleepover so we can all go together the next day, as for me being there made me nervous and anxious so I need some attention maybe some hugs or cuddles. funny story I am a COWARD and can't speak up for my self, if I need something like attention or a hug cuz I'm breaking down I can't cuz I'm weak like that. (Yes I talk down on myself 24/7)

When I finally built up the courage to ask for what I needed someone else took the spot and everyone forgot that I was the one that need the love and affection and support and person close to me. But me being the push over I am, I did nothing about it put a blanket on the floor and tried to sleep.

Long story short it didn't work I was up till 7 almost 8 am crying no one heard me and if they did they didn't say anything about it. So we left the house for pride aroun 10 which shows how much sleep I got. Only about 3 hours cuz I woke up at 9 to get ready and eat.

During pride I saw so many different people and so many different booths everyone was so nice. There were a bunch of free mom hugs I was there for about half an hour getting hugs from all of them because I went with out my mom knowing I was at pride she thought I was having a picnic at a park in cosplay.

Here is the sad part I felt like my friends didn't see me or hear me at some points in time. But maybe that was just me being depressed, or extremely needy in my opinion. I don't know why I think like that, if someone one told me a the same thing I tell others I would tell them "it's ok you needed to that for your own mental health, it's fine." But if I do it I think  "oh just your just needy, they think your annoying because you always want attention of some sort, no on is ever going to love you."

I don't even know but at one point I just stopped, I just broke down. I couldn't see my friends or the others that were our supervisors. I was so close to crying when someone I didn't even know came up to me and asked if u was ok. I told them I was cuz I didn't want them involved with me and my "stupid" problems. Now there is going to be someone who says "but Victor, your problems are stupid. And if you need something just let someone know I'm sure they will help you if they truly care." I'm sorry but if I'm at the point where I'm crying in a crowd, I can't even think about that. My brain just stops when I break down.

Soon one of the friends found me they ask if I was fine, "yeah of course just me enjoying this nice hot pavement. Who ever made that pavement did I great job I could just stare at the ground all day cuz of it. " NO of course I'm not ok. I cried myself to sleep only had 3 hours of sleep and felt unwanted for maybe 5 more hours. Sure I had seconds where I felt vaid I found strangers who I could relate to (because they t posed back at me or because they were cosplay DEKU (bnha) BigBootyBakugou yes I'm talking about you) I felt good after talking to other people about that day way after it had pasted helped me feel better about it.

But beside me being a basic salty bicth. Pride was the best ever ever one was so nice, and so pretty, and valid, I cried over these people I didn't know cause they looked like they needed love and they gave me love. I know have a new flag, some new pins and a new side to myself I'm willing to share because of pride.

If you haven't been yet cuz your still closeted or you just can never make it. I hope one year you do. Because it is one of the best things to ever experience. Make sure to have fun when you go, don't be a salty bicth like me. Enjoy yourself.

Ok that's it for now. It's 4:31 am on 7/19/19 till next time bye

A/n that was a lot more writing than I thought I would write. If you went with me and read this I'm sorry if I ruined your pride cause of me being jeaulous and basic af, it wasn't the best thing for me to do as a friend. And I made genuinely sorry about the trouble I may have caused for you. Please know I ment nothing personal if I said something rude, I'm truly sorry and will say it to your face if I hurt you during my pity party. Anyways that's enough from me see you next time my demons
Sorry again