The Senior Trip

Chapter 29

HARPER

I watch the sweat run down his forehead. His eyes squint against the bright sun. I want to tell him everything, but maybe I'd be too much. I've learned to keep most insecurities and fears inside so I don't scare off friends, especially boys.

"What's the last picture you thought about posting?" he asks.

It takes a minute for me to think about it. It feels like it's been years since I had my phone in my hand.

"On the way to the airport," I answer.

Asher nods.

I'm watching him to see if he's going to laugh at me. "I took a selfie with Ezra and his brother."

"How romantic," he teases.

"Stop it," I scold but can't help but smile.

"So why didn't you post it?"

"Lots of reasons," I tell him. "I didn't like how I looked. I didn't know what to say about it...I never do." Finn makes me nervous. It's also a dangerous game to play, not wanting to hash tag some friend statement and not wanting to misstep and let on that I like him as more. "I decided to keep the picture for myself."

"First of all," he starts, turning back around to keep the sun from his face. "You're beautiful so I can't imagine it was a terrible picture. Second, just be you. Say what you want and if you don't want to say anything, then don't. Social media is a lot of pressure."

"Ok, now your turn."

"Well," he says slowly, "I don't post about all the times I've felt like I might be making a mistake."

"A mistake?" I ask.

"It's weird. I've been in a relationship so long now that I question what it would be like to not be attached to someone. Maybe I'm making a mistake being committed to someone so young. Maybe we're both missing something or we'll regret not having the experience of dating and finding other people." He looks down to our feet as we walk. The sun at our backs, but the relief still minimal.

"Or maybe you'll miss having had the experience of loving someone the way you love her." I wonder all the time what it would have been like to get to love Finn in the open. "Being single isn't all that great," I tell him. I purposely bump his shoulder with mine when he doesn't look up. Finally I see his eyes. My smile is uncontrollable.

"You mean you aren't out there partying it up?" he jokes.

I shake my head. "All partied out."

"Maybe you're right. I couldn't ever let it go while we were together so being single and what I might be missing must not have been as compelling as staying with her."

We're very close now. The space between us never got reestablished after the bump. It's hot, but I don't mind. He's feeling more and more familiar to me as the time passes.

"Tell me another one," he says. His fingers accidently brush mine. I realize if he tried to hold my hand I'd let him.

"Graduation."

"You didn't post a picture from graduation?" he asks incredulously.

"No. I took one, but didn't post it."

"Tell me about it," he says. This time it's his shoulder that bumps mine and I realize that I was the one mesmerized by our feet.

"I thought senior year would be different," I tell him. "I worked really hard for a long time to get honors at graduation. It was so important to me throughout all of school, but then I looked around at all the friends taking group pictures and realized what I'd sacrificed for it."

"Wait," he starts, his hands coming up in front of him. "You can't regret doing well in school. That's amazing and you should be proud of it."

"I would change a few things," I say honestly.

"Like what?"

"I would say yes more." I have turned down so many invites that eventually they stopped coming.

"Fair enough," he agrees. "I'd spend more time doing me."

"Eww," I tease.

"Jesus, do you always have such a dirty mind?" His arm wraps around me for a second as he pulls me in. He taps my head with is strong finger and then lets me go.

"You're the one who said it."

"I meant," he states clearly as if I'm serious, "I would do things I wanted to do and talk to people I wanted to spend time with. I feel like I've been running my schedule past a secretary for years. Couldn't make plans without checking with her first. It's not her fault, I just sort of lost footing in there somewhere. It became more important to make her happy than to spend time doing things that made me happy."

"So much freedom now," I whisper. I pinch his side causing him to laugh from the tickle.

"I guess that's one way to look at it."

"Our brains are very powerful. They believe what we tell them, or they tell us what to believe. It's up to us to reinforce the correct information." I tap his head this time. His eyes stay on mine a second longer than necessary.

"I wish I would have met you sooner," he says as the sun finally adjusts its position in the sky and begins to give us a reprieve.

"I wouldn't have said yes to hanging out," I tell him sadly.

"That's ok, the date never would have made it past my secretary."