Ghost of You ▸ Roger Taylor

Pt. 10 - July 1976 - Summer

The mirror in the quaint little washroom at her work offices did a poor job of reflecting how tired Lena was.

It had been a long day that had begun poorly; while making an unusual stop for coffee on the way to work she had been mobbed by Queen fans. Granted, they all had been kind and sweet and just wanting to meet her, but the experience had still left her hands shaking. The young women who had stopped her had all really been delightful, and in another situation she probably would have liked to be friends with them, but the fact that there had been so many of them, all demanding to say hello and tell them what it was like to be Roger Taylor's girlfriend, had put her into a foul mood. Primarily because she had a panic attack at meeting them. Not because they had wanted to meet her, but rather the effect that it had on her.

Now, looking in the mirror she was not surprised to find that she looked tired and sad, her hair a little flatter than she normally liked it. The orange turtleneck that had looked so good with the brown skirt this morning now gave her a sallow glow. She hoped it was just the light of the washroom though.

Regardless, she turned away from her unfortunate reflection and changed into her favorite pair of bell bottoms, accompanied by a loose white blouse. When she returned to mirror she found that the change in color did wonders for her complexion and hoped that it would be enough to hide from Roger that she was so tired. Pulling her hair up and into a fashion that was less recognizable as belonging to 'Roger Taylor's pretty blonde girlfriend,' she almost wished that they were back on tour where it was acceptable to look tired all the time. And where she could exist in a state of trying to be ready to meet fans and not take it as such a shock when they did come. And being able to be with Roger all the time. That was the part she truly missed. Glancing at her watch she found that Roger should be arriving any moment and she hurried down many flights of stairs and to the street level.

It was rare they spent any time with each other outside of their house these days. They were just too busy now to plan occasions anymore, and when they did, it almost always ended with Roger gripping Lena's shaking hands after crossing paths with mobs of fans. Lena considered this and hoped that whatever he had planned would be devoid of any fans, because she was not sure she could handle any more of that today.

"How are you my love?" Roger asked as Lena stepped into his car. He floored the engine, speeding away from the curb as she answered.

"A little tired. But okay I think."

"I hope you can be more than okay. I have the perfect little adventure planned for us. No drama, no nothing. Just you and I."

Lena smiled and hoped that it would be true.

After a much longer drive than she had anticipated, which in itself had put her in much better spirits, they arrived on the outskirts of a park. With the sounds of some old rock ballad that she couldn't recall the name to echoing in her ears, they departed from the car, Roger grasping an astoundingly large picnic basket and blanket.

"Where did you find that picnic basket?"

"I borrowed it from Freddie."

"Of course, everything outrageous always comes from Fred doesn't it?" Lena laughed

"Most definitely."

They hiked together though the park, running into no one but several families who paid them no notice. But Lena though that might have had to do with the fact that Roger had his signature blonde hair tucked up underneath a very ugly hat and was wearing dark sunglasses that obscured his face. She supposed the hat was acceptable if they could avoid being talked to by fans.

Finally they settled upon a hilltop that looked out over the rest of the park and Roger spread the blanket out and began to unload the picnic basket. A warm breeze blew steadily across the hill, ruffling the starched summer grass.

Lena finally felt comfortable and nearly forgot to be afraid of potential fans as the hours passed and the sun began to sink low behind a distant hill. She had her head in Roger's lap and was staring up at him as he stood out against the blue sky. Far off they could hear the screams and laughter of children running and playing, blending in with the even further off sound of London traffic.

A kid came barreling up the hill toward them in pursuit of a dog that had evaded him. The little dog ran up and licked Lena's face before taking off, with the child still in pursuit. Laughing, Lena sat up and watched them go, a little girl joining the boy as they chased the dog. The dog looked pleased that it had both the children chasing it.

"I hope that we can have that one day," Roger said suddenly as the children's laughter faded.

Lena turned to face him, her heart dropping to the pit of her stomach, "What?" she said in almost a whisper.

"Oh, I just meant I hope that we can have kids one day and-"

"Rog," Lena said interrupting him. She had been avoiding this conversation for a long time, and immediately felt immensely guilty that she had not brought it up before.

"Yeah?" he said absentmindedly, still watching the kids run off after the dog.

"Remember, remember a while ago when I told you not to worry about, about, you know, stuff, because I was on birth control?

"Yeah," he said, still lost in his daydream.

"That wasn't exactly true," she said in a whisper.

That caught his attention and he looked at her with a joy, an excitement she rarely saw to be so genuine.

"Are you-" he breathed, his eyes wide.

Lena pressed her lips together, trying with all her might not to cry. This was way worse than any moment in which she had been surrounded by fans.

"No Rog."

"Oh."

"I, I, fuck- I'm sorry I did not ever tell you this-"

"Lena, are you okay?" he said, watching as the careful walls he knew she had built around herself begin to fall.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Rog. I just didn't know how to tell you. I-" She hiccuped and swallowed hard. "I can't have kids. I should have told you this an eternity ago before we became so, I don't know, real. But I can't have kids. Something happened when I was a teenager. It was either me or my ability to have kids, and obviously I'm still here ...I'm sorry, so sorry Rog," she cried, suddenly bawling into his chest, as she watched a little light in his eyes go out.

He was silent for a second before whispering that it was alright, rocking her in his arms. He told her it would be okay, if they wanted kids they could adopt. And really did they even need kids of their own? They would always have John's or eventually Brian's or even Freddie's to look after?

Lena continuously apologized until her hiccups faded, and then she began apologizing afresh for her overly emotional state. Besides reassuring her that it was not her fault and it was okay, she noticed that Roger was unusually quiet for a long time, so long that the park had all but begun to fade into darkness. Lena lit a cigarette in the dim light and the instant of flame from the little French lighter illuminated his eyes for a brief second. Then it was gone.  

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a/n: my sincerest apologizes for the shortness and lateness of this chapter... but I only have two more weeks of this term of school left and then I shall hopefully be able to finish this story. Let me know what you think so far!

xx