Borrowed Time

Part 14 - Roses, Bears, and Hope

She received the first one on her 13th birthday. And every week afterwards, she received another one, until she had 13 bears in all - 13 bears in different colors, different sizes, different forms. But all the bears came with the same short note –

Dear Angela,

For all the birthdays I missed.

And know that I love you so much –

A.

We both knew the bears came from Andy. I honestly don't know how Shereen felt about them. I only know that she looked forward to receiving the bears until she had them all. I know they make her happy and sad at the same time. But I also know that she accepts that there are things which are really difficult to understand. She just has to accept and learn to live with them.

Just as I have learned to accept that letting Andy go was not the same as forgetting. I have accepted that I would never be able to move on, if moving on meant loving somebody else. Because I know in my heart that I will always love only Andy. Just as I finally know that Andy will only always love me.

I don't know if Mildred knew about that night. I could not think that Andy would have told her. It was too personal to share. But I never saw her again after the reunion. I knew it would be more painful for me than for her. I have accepted that the pain will always be with me. Somehow, I also knew she understood that.

But the roses helped, and the calls.

At the time that Shereen started receiving the bears, I started receiving the roses. Just one red rose every time - no note, nothing. But in my heart I knew who sent them. Just as my heart knew that it is Andy who is calling every night – every single night after that night of the reunion. He never says anything. He just listens when I pick up the phone and say hello. Then he always hangs up. He just listens for that few seconds and then he is gone. But I know in my heart that it is him.

And without him saying anything, I knew he was telling me that he will always love me.

I never once thought of asking him to stop. Because to do so would mean I would acknowledge that I know it is him. So I pretend that I do not know it is him. And I think he pretends that I do not know it is him.

I have stopped asking myself how this will end. Probably deep inside I am wishing it will not end. My heart knows we love each other. And the pain of the years gone by has not diminished that love. But I also know that we can never openly love each other. Because doing so would hurt more people.

Suzanne has told me time and again that I am crazy. I believe her. But I have long ago stopped fighting myself. I love Andy. He loves me and Shereen. And we are not doing anything about it because we don't want to hurt Mildred.

My mother has not said anything at all. She knew about the roses, and she is the only other person who knows about the calls - I have never in my wildest dreams thought of ever telling Suzanne about the calls. My mother also remembers how devastated I was when I had Shereen - but she also knows that I could not stop loving Andy, even if I wanted to.

I still live in the hope that one day, I can openly love Andy without hurting anybody. That one day, I can love him without crying and hurting myself. That one day, Shereen will not just receive short notes and unexpected gifts from Andy. That one day, I will not just have the roses and the brief seconds when Andy silently tells me that he loves me.

It may not be soon – but I still live in the hope that that day will come.