cigarettes ☹ alex turner

VIII

THE DAY IN which we had to come back to school had unfortunately arrived and my parents were to be back tonight, which wasn't the happiest occasion for me. After all, all my mum would do is worry.

Self consciously, I look at myself in the mirror. I hate my body. Other people would examine their perfections, whilst I examined my flaws and nothing else; probably because I have no perfections.

My skirt was hiked a little bit before my knees, at mid thigh and my white blouse was tucked somewhat neatly into it whilst a tie was wrapped around the collar of my blouse. I had put slightly see through tights on my legs; hoping that they would look much better. Over the knee socks were placed on top as well.

They didn't look better.

I shrugged. Who cares? I look horrible no matter how I dress, so I might as well wear whatever the fuck I wanted. Placing black ankle boots on my feet and grabbing my bag, I left the house and skated the way there.

The grey sky was at its best. The clouds blended perfectly with it as the sun struggled to shine through. A cold breeze glided along with me as I ran one of my legs against the concrete road before it joined the penny board again.

Surprisingly, I hadn't had a panic attack in about two or three hours which was a relief, but was a huge stress in the sense that I was still awaiting another. Lucky enough, the centre in which my therapeutic sessions were held wasn't too far away.

Rapidly, I jump off my board and stuff it into my bag before walking into the centre; Bev could never know that I was travelling alone, but what she also didn't understand that it was that kept me sane.

I stepped into the elevator and pressed the same button I always pressed, Level 3.

Swiftly, the elevator approached its destination and I stepped out of the metallic, suffocating cubicle. Making my way to Beverly's room, I shyly greet the people around my and mentally face palmed after.

Beverly looked stressed yet alive, very much unlike me. She wore bright hippie colours whilst she eyed my new attire of 'school uniform'. "Morning Kim. You alright? Come on in then. You look lovely."

Sure I do. You look twenty years old too Beverly. What else is new? I simply nod and smile with a small 'I'm fine' which didn't sound too convincing. I realised that I had to tell her everything.

Even Alex.

Rubbing my hands together in nervousness, I let out a shaky breath before entering Beverly's room. We both take a seat as I await her to bombard me with a few questions.

"How've you been lately?" She begins, smiling at me approachably.

I rub my lips together, trying to think of something pretty general but believable. "The usual. I found an anxiety trigger and the past two hours I haven't had a panic attack. Oh!" I remember in realization, "I passed out from lack of sleep and food."

She sighed and noted the statements I told her down. "What was the anxiety trigger, Kimberly?"

I licked my lips, picturing Alex's than perfect appearance; his large brown eyes that I could look into forever, his perfect face shape and jawline, his flawless naturally pink lips, his slender long legs and husky voice.

"Kim?" Beverly spoke, trying to bring me out of my fantasy life.

"Yeah?"

"What's your anxiety trigger?"

Oh god.

I rub my forehead and laugh quietly. "Oh right," How could I forget? You're fucking thick Kim. "It's not a thing to be honest," I say and bite my lip. "It's more of a person."