It Was Always You

Chapter Twenty Two

Trigger Warning.

* * *
    
     I kept my head down as I walked, staring at my shoes. I didn't need anyone seeing my ugly face.

     My feet dragged as I walked, but I hardly noticed. There was too many thoughts racing through my brain, over and over and over, making me want to scream.

     You aren't good enough.

     Everyone hates you.

     You've lost everything.

     You'll never be able to love again.

     You should just die.

     Why don't you run that shiny blade across your wrist like a few years ago?

     Why don't you climb the stairs to one of these many tall buildings around you and throw yourself off?

     I felt a nudge on my shoulder.

     "Jey... This was supposed to get your mind off of things."

     "Well it's not working, obviously," I snapped, rolling my eyes and putting my gaze back on the ground.

     Benji sighed. "I'm always here if you need to talk, Jorge. You need to talk about things. Maybe not now, but whenever you're ready."

     I grunted quietly, not having the energy to give a proper response.

     Benji was too good to me. I didn't deserve that.

     About five minutes later, we stood at a crosswalk to go to an ice cream shop on the corner.

     As I watched the cars rush by, my heartbeat quickened and I felt a tightening in my chest. I found myself shuffling closer and closer to Benji as I began panicking.

     I couldn't focus. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

     Fucking breathe, Jorge. Use your fucking lungs.

     My breath quickened and I grasped the front of my shirt.

     It's too tight. I can't breathe. I'm dying. I'm going to die.

     I was shaking all over, warm tears falling from my eyes and striking the pavement beneath me. The light was red, but I couldn't move.

     I'm going to die.

     "Jorge. Jorge it's okay. Jey."

     Hands gripped my shoulders and shook me, just before I was pulled against a hard, warm chest.

     Slowly but surely, I could breathe enough to collect my thoughts and somehow make the short walk back to Benji's apartment.

* * *

     I got back and immediately locked myself in the bathroom, ignoring Benji's voice from the other room.

     I put my head in my hands and cried, big, ugly sobs. I was so numb yet everything hurt. I didn't understand anything.

     "Your worthless."

     "No," I whispered.

     "No one loves you. No one ever did."

     "Please," I pleaded.

     "You'll never find love. You lost everything. You might as well be dead."

     I cried harder and shook violently as I opened the cabinet and pulled out one of Benji's shiny unopened razors.

     You deserve this, I told myself.

     My hand shook as I brought it to my wrist hesitantly.

     And then came the blood.

     A lot of blood.

* * *

I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH. You are beautiful and amazing and you all deserve the world. Whatever you're struggling with right now will pass,and this is kinda cheesy but i felt the need to say it so don't fucking judge me your assholes. Jk your not assholes ily <3

     As much as you might be hurting inside right now, please, never resort to self harm. How you are feeling will fade, but the scars never will.

     I know how hard it is to resist it. I struggled with it for a long time, but I'm better. I still think about doing it sometimes, but it's been six months since I last cut and my life has been so much better because of it.

     I might not know you, but I care about you. Now, you have at least one person who does. And I'm sure theres more. The people in your life wouldn't want you to do that. I don't want you to. Please, please, please, talk to someone. Don't hurt yourself.

      If anyone ever needs to talk, I'm here. Don't hesitate to pm if you need to.

Anyways, like I was saying, you're all as close to perfect as you can get despite whatever flaws you might have and despite whatever you're going through, and you shouldn't forget that. Never let anyone tell you differently. Okay. That's all I have to say. I love you all <3.

~lana