The Best Baker in the Universe and Encounters with the Sword of Ultimate Truth

The Plot moves forward exactly two inches

Marty and Note gazed long and hard into each other's eyes, simultaneously thinking about Mary Sue as they obsessed over their opponents' next move, their every thought, their every desire, their every wish.

"I'm not sure I'm completely ok with this character dynamic," Note the Flighty grumbled, continuing to gaze longing into Marty's eyes because the outline I didn't write said he has to.

It's a Love Dodecahedron. There has to be some DRAMA!!!

"No," Note growled. "No there doesn't."

Well, I don't care what you think, the plot's been stalled out for the last 20 pages, and I'm pretty sure the reader is about to fall asleep, so I gotta add some excitement.

Note, you're a wizard, right? I think you're a wizard. Note, have a prophecy come to you suddenly and without warning.

"And what does the prophecy say?" Note the Flighty asked.

Umm, It's supposed to say something. I wrote it down somewhere. It's in one of my notebooks. I think it was notebook 3456.

Darn, that's not it. Maybe it was 34?

No? It's gotta be one of these....

THERE! Notebook 2345678934567345678345678345678456784567834567834567!

Ok, here goes nothing.

Note dropped to the floor like two balls tied together by a string that was thrown out the window of a collapsing empire state building as a typhoon ripped through Alabama and 5 sheep flew through the air like blades of grass.

His voice cracked and contorted beyond what should have been possible, and about three vocal cords just snapped in half right there

"The boy called Marty

Home burned and defiled

Quest for his mother

Will make him all riled" Note spoke before looking me dead in the eyes. "Please end this dumb thing right here, or I swear to god, I will leave the story."

Nah.

Note hissed but continued to writhe as more of the dumb prophecy came from his mouth.

"The Mundane Villain

Shall not win

He will be defeated

By the hero without sin" Note grumbled again, but he was going to be forced to continue regardless.

"Though only once he welds

The Sword of Ultimate Truth

Only then can he defeat

The Mundane Villain ruth-

Lessly" Note rolled his eyes and shouted. "OH COME ON!! THAT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME!! YOU HAD TO AWKWARDLY ADD A LINE IN THERE!!"

You try to write a prophecy you ungrateful, chattering lack of common sense! Rhyming and making sense at the same time is super difficult if you haven't noticed.

"Whatever...

But the magic blade

Can only be used

Once the vague parameters of a spell

Have been performed and abused" Note instantly clenched his fist. "DAMN IT, AUTHOR!! YOU COULDN'T EVEN MAKE AN INTERESTING MAGIC SYSTEM?!?! NOPE! Everything just has to be easy and convenient for you, now doesn't it.