The Introspective Thoughts Of A Broken And Suicidal Man

second

Can anyone imagine life like this?
Who would want to live it?
I surely wouldn't chose it.       Although I do every day I decide to keep going.
  It's getting harder and harder to do.
I want nothing more in life than to be useful, wanted, even needed. Loved would be great too.
So many people have tried to love me, I am a very lovable person, but damn, my issues make it so hard on anyone, everyone that tries that they eventually have no choice but to give up. I certainly don't blame them. I might even tell them I do blame them, but it's my uncontrolled emotions talking. Once I have time to contemplate, I always beg forgiveness, because I can see why they have to leave me. For their own sanity usually.
  With my skills, abilities, intelligence, selfless love, etc...   You might think it would be easy to do, but I promise it's not.
  I get way too needy, I need constant attention and continual assertion that you love me.
I contact you way too much. I can't control my impulses to reach out when I'm feeling the almost constant self-loathing that dwells within me.
  I need so much to be needed, that if you show me I'm not, here comes the old self loathing again.
  I truly am and always have been a broken human. And there doesn't seem to be a fix or way to compensate for my weaknesses.
  So often in my life I have dreamed of having a frontal lobotomy. I need these overwhelming emotions to go away, even at the cost of my intelligence. What a beautiful dream for me.
  I have been to so many psychiatrists and therapists that that avenue seems a dead end as well. It's not a normal mental issue that I have, but rather a physical one, from the brain damage I suffered. So the medications don't work on me that work on others. They do partly, but at the expense of any sort of quality of life if I take what is required to alleviate the symptoms.
  What a conundrum. A miserable one.