ONESHOTS-Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens)

The Switch

Crowley was unused to being in Aziraphale's body. It was much different than his own, and to truly fool Heaven and Hell, he had to pick up Aziraphale's habits as well, which meant he had spent the last week fidgeting nervously, sitting up straight for the first time in his life, and pretending to care about the books in Aziraphale's newly restored bookshop. He had never really noticed the height difference between the two of them in any meaningful way, but he realized just how much harder it was to be Aziraphale. He found himself struggling on several occasions to reach the highest bookshelf, and he had to resort to either the humiliation of a stepstool or miracles. He wasn't sure what to do with himself now that he was Aziraphale. He organized books, brewed gallon after gallon of tea. He played solitaire and the other little games Aziraphale liked to play. He even performed a few miracles to make people's lives better. Still, he was bored without a little mischief.

Finally, the day came when he wouldn't have to pretend anymore. After a stroll in the park, the couple were kidnapped and brought to their respective headquarters, or so the angels and demons thought. Crowley sat through their rants, trying to stifle his anger at how poorly these angels treated Aziraphale. He thought angels were supposed to be kind, nice, and loving. He thought they spread peace and love, when really they were just vengeful sons of bitches who couldn't see that, really, Aziraphale had been helping them all along. They didn't need a war, and these angels were just as Hell-bent on wreaking destruction on this planet as the demons from literal Hell were.

It had been a while since Crowley had been up in Heaven, and he had to admit, he remembered it much differently. Things had changed. The angels were stiff and robotic, obsessed with rules and some Greater Good that no one seemed to be able to explain to him. Gabriel continued his rant, and Crowley's eyes scanned the pristine white room. He could feel himself growing angry, a quality that was very un-Aziraphale. The more Gabriel talked, the more Crowley just wanted to throw himself at the archangel and beat him to a pulp. Even if he couldn't kill the bastard, he could inconveniently discorporate him if he tried hard enough.

Crowley tried to focus on happy thoughts and memories to calm his anger. Thoughts of Aziraphale, wine, and crepes. Going to the Ritz with his angel over and over and over again. Long walks in the park, then just sitting on benches enjoying each other's company. His thoughts turned to what could be happening to Aziraphale down in Hell right now. If those assholes hurt his angel in any way he would personally tear Hell itself to shreds. He was pulled back to reality by the eruption of Hellfire. Crowley briefly protested, which prompted a rather pissy Gabriel to remark, "Shut your stupid mouth and die already."

That was it. Crowley snapped and lunged at the archangel, tackling him to the ground. He attempted to hiss, but Aziraphale's body didn't necessarily comply with that. "Don't you dare talk to my husba—boyf—best friend like that ever again."

"I am very confused, what's going on here?" Gabriel asked, as angels rushed forward to pull Crowley off of Gabriel. Crowley continued to kick, and got in a real good blow to the angel's crotch.

"You've got the wrong man, Dickwad," Crowley said. "And you've just pissed me off. I will literally tear Heaven to shreds if you say one more word."

"I still don't understand," Gabriel said, picking himself up off the ground. "Listen, Aziraphale. Nice act, but I've had a piss-poor day, and I would really like for you to just go ahead and die already. The fire's right there. Someone just shove him in."

The two angels holding Crowley shoved him toward the fire, while staying a safe distance away, and Crowley stepped into the flames, laughing in delight at the shocked faces of Gabriel and the other angels.

"It's Crowley, bitch," he said, blowing hellfire at Gabriel. He stepped out of the fire, still laughing. "You lay a finger on my best friend and I promise I will smite you. I will make you feel pain you never even imagined possible. You leave me and Aziraphale alone or I will personally tear Heaven and Hell to shreds, destroying everything you love, wreaking havoc on everything you stand for. I will make this hellhole called Heaven worse than Hell. This pristine halls will be burning with the wrath of my hellfire by the time I'm done with you, and if that's not enough to convince you to leave me and Aziraphale well enough alone, remember that I already fended off Satan—you're not the worst I've faced."

"That was Adam that got rid of Satan—" Gabriel suttered.

"Yeah, but I gave him some pretty sound advice!!"

Crowley thought back to that moment, the sheer horror as they realized Satan was coming. The way Aziraphale looked at him, broken, and told him that if he didn't think of something, he'd never talk to him again. It wasn't a threat. It was the truth. If Heaven and Hell went to war, there was no way they could see each other, and that terrified Crowley. He lived for Aziraphale. There was nothing in this world for him without his angel. Crowley would protect him at all costs.

With Gabriel significantly terrified, Crowley snapped his fingers and miracled himself out of there.

"I think it worked," Aziraphale said proudly once they switched back bodies. It felt good to be back in his old body. Crowley was sick of having that stuffy bowtie around his neck, though it looked cute on Aziraphale. He was even cuter once he started gushing about how he had splashed holy water and had Michael miracle him a towel. "It was really quite fun. How did it go for you? Did they believe the lie?"

Crowley shrugged. "I'm not so good at acting like you do. They saw through it, but trust me, they'll be giving us our space, at least for a while."

"Well then, that's good," Aziraphale said. "Say, would I be able to tempt you for a bite to eat?"

"I thought tempting was my job," Crowley snickered, and the two left for their romantic dinner at the Ritz.