Death

Chapter 1

It's been a few years since I've started having thoughts about the topic 'death'.

To be honest, I'm not sure what my thoughts are on it. At times, to me, it is my greatest wish. However, some other times, it's my nightmare, it's my greatest fear.

During those times, I lie in my bed, curled in the corner with my phone, trying desperately to get rid of the fear. There'd be a heavy feeling in my heart, but it's not sadness or jealousy. It's pure fear. I'd shiver uncontrollably, or, when I'm really scared, toss and turn to try to get the fear out. There are times when I would shout too. I'd do anything, just to get the thoughts out of my head.

Just like now.

I tossed around and curled up once again, tears streaming down my face and body shaking with sobs that I had to keep quiet since my sister was sleeping in the bed below mine.

"Oh God! If you're there, please, please, get the thoughts out of my head! Please!" I quietly sobbed. I was no Christian. In fact, I was a freethinker. But like I mentioned, I would do anything to get the thoughts out. He probably wouldn't help me even if he existed though.

The thoughts continued. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Death.

I imagined myself dead, unable to move my body, with no thoughts, no conscience. With no memory and unable to control my own body. I was dead. Just lying there. And wondering where I would go.

Writing it down just isn't the same. It doesn't convey my fear. The fear that takes over my entirety. Really, writing it down it sounds kinda stupid. How can you imagine yourself dead when you haven't felt it? How can you imagine yourself with no thoughts and unable to feel? I have no idea. I just do.

Grabbing on to the sides of my head, I silently screamed, thrashing around my legs but trying to make as little sound as possible.

"Death is just eternal sleep. I don't fear sleep. I enjoy sleep. Death is just eternal sleep. Death is just eternal sleep." I tried to convince myself, "okay. Positive thoughts. Yeah, I'll be going out with my friends tomorrow. Yeah. Now think about what you're gonna do tomorrow..."

That's how I fell into death sometimes. Or sleep. Same thing. Except I actually wake up and sometimes I dream. But most of the time I'm kept awake by the thoughts until really late into the night. That's why I like to sleep late. So I don't have to face all those scary thoughts.

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Hey, Jess here. This story is really just a sort of a diary I guess. I mean, there will be a plot and everything but it's a really normal plot,which is a probably cliche plot blah blah blah.

Yeah, sorry the first chapter is short but it was necessary since I wanted to end it at where the 'I' fall into deep death and you know, death, no thoughts no feelings? I'll begin the story the next chapter.