It's complicated// snowbaz✔️

Chapter 5

Simon

I wake up in Baz's arms and my heart sinks I'm so fucking selfish and I know it, but fuck I don't know what I'm doing. I slowly pull out of his grip and my stomach drops as the loss of contact makes me feel empty. I turn to look up at him and he looks so peaceful, his messy black hair falling past his chin and framing his sleeping face. He slowly starts to stir and I try to hurry and get out of bed before he opens his eyes, but the blanket gets in my way and Baz is awake before I know it.

I turn back around to look at him and he greets me with a sleepy smile, his gaze hardens as he notices the way I'm already halfway out of his bed. "Were you planning on leaving?" He asks, the sadness hanging off each of those words twists my heart painfully. "You were, weren't you?" there are tears already welling up in his eyes.

"Baz..." I trail off, I don't know what to say... fuck why is everything so messy?  I just can't allow myself to be this, whatever this is. Love isn't something that I've ever gotten to really experience, and I don't know how it's supposed to feel, but this can't be it. This is all too painful to be what love is.

"No! No. You don't get to explain whatever the fuck you were about to do. You're fucking low and shallow and selfish." his gaze is icy as he gets up, throwing the blanket off him angrily and leaving me sitting speechless. He pulls on a hoodie and slams the door on his way out, and now I'm alone in our room and everything hits me.

I force myself up to standing and drag my feet into the washroom. I look myself in the eye as I stare into the mirror. I place my shaky hands on the counter to steady myself as I feel hot tears stinging my eyes. I give up on standing and sink down to the floor, the cold tiles burning my skin. I don't know why this is all so hard for me, but it is, and I've probably just lost the best thing in my life. I think about what Penny would say if she were here, but I can't and I don't know if I could face her right now.

I give in and pull out my phone, and go straight to facetime her. I don't feel the relief I thought I would when she picks up, instead i"m washed with overwhelming anxiety and feel the tears rush harder. "Simon? Simon? What's wrong?" she asks, and I feel even worse when I hear the concern in her voice.

"It's- I- I don't really know." I stare at her through the screen and she just bites her lip anxiously. "I've fucked everything up, and I think it's too late to fix it," I tell her, and instantly regret it. I know now that I've said, that she's going to ask what happened, and I don't think I can tell her.

"Simon, it's okay. Just tell me what happened and we can figure it out together." She gives me an encouraging smile. Fuck... I don't know how to respond to that, I feel my breathing speed up as I try to come up with a believable lie... but I can't. My thumb hovers over the end button, I don't even think about it my brain forces me to do it, and I hang up. I see myself in the black reflection of my phone and hate what I see. Hate how easy it is for me to just break down like this, hate how easily I get feelings, hate how scared I am of my feelings... my sadness does a three-sixty suddenly and my pain becomes rage. I instinctively throw my phone using as much power as I can muster. The screen shatters, and it feels good.

Then the adrenaline leaves and the anger is gone and the sadness is back and there's nothing I can do about it. If my situation wasn't shitty enough I'm just now hearing the relentless knocking that's been going on for I-don't-know-how-long, I think about just leaving it, but it isn't stopping and is starting to give me a headache. I pull myself up off the floor, and turn to look in the mirror I splash some water on my face until I don't look like I've been crying, then go open the door, praying to a god  I don't believe in that it's not Baz.

I open the door and it's Penny, and I don't know if I'm relieved or not... "Simon?" She furrows her eyebrows and uses her thumb to flick away the tears that have already started falling again. She wraps her arms around my torso and pulls me into a tight hug. I close my eyes and hug her back. "Simon, please, just tell me what's going on." She pulls away to look me in the eyes, and it makes me feel a bit better.

"Okay, but can you promise that you won't hate me?" I ask, I can't lose another person today, I just can't.

"Simon, I could never hate you." She assures me.

"Okay, um there's like two things," I tell her, and I think we both know I'm stalling.

"That's okay." She presses.

"Okay um, well... I think I'm, I think- fuck!"

"It's okay, take your time, you're safe, I promise." She holds my hand in hers and gives it a light squeeze. "Why don't we sit down?" She suggests. I nod and follow her over to my bed and we both sit down. "Okay Simon, what's going on?" She asks.

"I'm gay." I say it, I actually say it and I hate it. I want to take it back I've said it and now it's real and it's out in the air. If I had never said it then it'd just be feelings and that doesn't change how other people see you, but now... now Penny is hugging me? and I force myself to listen to what she's saying.

"Simon it's okay, I'm glad you were able to tell me. I promise I don't think of you any differently, okay?" She asks pulling back to make eye contact.

"What?" I ask, lost for words, I don't know why I was so sure this wasn't going to go well, but now I'm so relieved that I can't find words. I pull my hand out of her grip to wipe my eyes again.

"Simon, I love you so much, and you loving someone could never change that." She smiles, and I feel tears spike to my eyes again. I grip her in a tight hug, hoping that she can feel my gratitude because I don't know how I could ever put the relief I feel into words.

"Thank you, that means a lot." I tell her earnestly.

"Of course Simon." She rests her chin on my head. I pull away feeling myself finally calming down.

"You okay?" She asks smiling comfortably at me.

"Kind of" I tell her honestly. 

"Why?" She asks her smile disappearing.

"It's kind of messy." I shrug, not wanting to burden her with more of my baggage.

"That's okay, I'll help you figure it out. What's going on?" She urges.

"Okayyyy. Well, um Baz, and I are, um... well I don't really know what we're doing, but I think I really hurt him." I know how lame that answer was, but I really don't know how to put it all into words.

"Baz?! What?" She doesn't look upset or anything, just really confused maybe worried.

"Yeah...." I scratch the back of my neck nervously. "We kind of... um well it turns out he's gay too and, you know.....?"

"What do you mean? " She asks gently.

"I promised Baz that we could be something, and like, I really like him, Penny, I do, but I was really fucking scared and just kind of left him this morning and he flipped out at me. Like I know I deserved it, it was a shitty thing for me to do, but I don't know what to do now." I explain. I catch myself picking at the skin on the back of my hand, and stop myself.

"Simon, I know you aren't going to want to hear this, but you need to talk to him. You have to be honest or it really won't work." She tells me. And she's right I really didn't want to hear that, there are so many ways for that to go wrong, but she's right.

"Fuck, you're right Penny." I frown half-heartedly.

"Of course I am." She laughs lightly. I lean my head against her shoulder and she wraps an arm around me.

________________________________
(Thanks to @simon_snow for editing this:)) Thanks for reading:) if you liked it please vote :) if you have any comments criticisms or suggestions I'd be happy to hear them:)