The Secret Life of Carmin Carter

The Perfect Life

My life appears perfect. That's how it's always been. I've always been the girl with the perfect parents, the perfect grades, the perfect behavior, and the perfect life. No one's seen what happens behind closed doors though. 

My parents like to keep up appearances, so nobody knows that we are broke. Nobody knows we are losing money each month. Nobody knows that we are struggling to get by. People think my mom got a job because she was bored sitting at home. The truth, we needed the money, and sometimes it's still not enough.

People think because we have nice things that we are rich. We are not rich. We did not have the money. My grandfather did. He bought and paid for most things, so we had money to buy less important things like cars and toys to play with. That made kids envy me at school when I brought in my mom's camaro for show-n-tell.

However, the money came with sacrifices. My mother was never home. Always working for my grandfather at his restaurant, doing everyone else's job and only getting tips as pay. She was being used and abused by everyone in that business, but she never complained as for she was looking at the future. The future that I would enheirant the restaurant. 

When it came time to move out of the house he owned, he locked us out of it so we could not get our belongings. He called the cops on us for trespassing too. That was the end of any relationship I had with my grandfather because he only cares about himself and money. If you are not useful to him, he will not even bother with you. He didn't even attend his own mother's funeral, which he was invited to. 

He used my family and abused it. He tried to tear us apart. He tried to break up my parents and blame my dad for my sister being sexualing abused by someone at our babysitters. He spreads lies about us and accuses us of horrible things. He even claims to have sent my mother to jail, which isn't possible considering we were having a girls weekend when he said it happened. 

Nowadays, he continues using and abusing people. My grandmother has even shown up with suspicious bruises on her face, but claims she fell. People have tried to get her out of their relationship, but she refuses. 

He is incapable of feeling and she is a compulsive liar. However, people love them because they throw their money around and call it friendship. 

...

When I was growing up I went to a local babysitter. I loved her, but as I got older I started to hear bad things about her from other adults. 

She didn't have too many kids to look after, but it always seemed she was never around. When I was six, a boy, who was older, got me to look and touch him inappropriately. I was so young I don't remember too much. I remember thinking it looked like a carrot, I remember the red, plastic chair he was sitting in, and I remember the grin on his face as I did it. 

As it was happening I remember thinking I was so cool, but as I got older all I felt was guilt, shame, and regret. I used to believe since his eyes were closed I sexually assaulted him. Until one day, I realized he probably knew what he was doing since he was older, and he was the one who had used me.

To this day, nobody knows about this. I have kept this a secret for ten years. I feel too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone because what if I'm wrong and he didn't actually do anything to me and I did it to him? What if it was just two kids messing around. But if that was all it was, why do I feel this way? 

...

I know they say that kids can't fall in love because they don't know what love is, but I really do believe I was in love with him. 

I don't even know how we ended up friends, all I know is we were inseparable. He made me feel things I had never felt before. I was willing to do anything for him. I loved the way he smiled at me and the way he laughed at my jokes. I loved the feeling of our hands when they were conjoined. I loved just being with him.